the cycle of self abusive binge eating

I miss my Dad and that has me felling depressed. I'm grateful my Mom and I are no longer a part of each others lives, my only regret is that it took me this long to get her out of my life.....and that makes me feel like crap.

I hate this time of year. It's all about families and food. My family is dysfunctional. My relationship with food is dysfunctional. I'm feeling down in the dumps, so I did what I always do when I'm upset. I ate. $58 worth of crap from Walmart. Oatmeal cream pies, swiss rolls, chocolate ice cream, a pecan pie, corn dogs, a turkey pot pie, burritos, nutty bars, milk, and coffee. Eating doesn't make me feel better, but it numbs the pain. Thankfully my drug of choice is food. My drug is cheap, easily accessible, no matter how hard I try I cant over dose, and it takes a lot longer to kill myself this way......

When I was a kid my step dad used to beat my Mom. After the beating they'd get along great for awhile, kind of like a honeymoon phase. Then tensions would start to build until he'd grab her by the throat and pound on her for awhile. Then they'd love each other again and life would be great for awhile. Cycle repeats.....

I think I do the same thing to myself with food that my step dad used to do to my Mom. When I binge eat it's an unhealthy and abusive release of stress. Then I diet and it's a honeymoon phase. I feel like there's hope, I'm happy, healthy, and I'm looking froward to what I can accomplish now that I got all the binging out of me. I honestly feel it wont happen again. Then something stresses me out and I binge again. The cycle repeats.....

do the work dummy

Today's the 4th day in a row working out and 3rd day without binge eating. I haven't been on a row like this in months!

I recently watched a movie called "everything must go" with Will Ferrel. It's a movie about an alcoholic who fell off the wagon and lost everything. It was a bad movie, but there was a part in the movie that will change my life forever. Will Ferrel is talking to another alcoholic who was sober. The other alcoholic told Will Ferrel that the reason he's been able to maintain his sobriety is because he does the work, goes to meetings. Up until I saw that movie I was confused about why I fell off the wagon. I try so hard to not binge eat, to the point where I'm obsessed thinking about it. I have a tremendous knowledge of nutrition and try so hard to aply it. I have a ton of knowledge about triathlon and am usually able to workout consistently. And most importantly I've been praying nonstop for abstinence from destructive overeating. I knew God would help me if I asked, but I couldn't figure out why I wasn't able to put it all together and why God wasn't stepping in and helping me. Now I know, I haven't been doing the work. When I'd struggle I'd go to meetings, meet with sponsors, and work the 12 step when I started to struggle, but once I was on a roll I'd stop. I treated the program like chemotherapy. Once the cancer (binge eating) went away I'd stop treatment. God will help me if I'm willing to help myself, but He wont do it without me doing my part. I'm going to a meeting in the morning, I've scheduled an apt with my sponsor and will start meeting with him once a week, I'm calling other OA members twice a day, and I'm working the 12 steps again. Now that I'm doing the work I should be able to be successful in my recovery.

a little bit of a roll

Yesterday I rode my indoor trainer for half an hour. Today I ran for half an hour and haven't binged on food. I go to work tonight and have packed my lunch, there's no place for me to get any food other than what I bring with me. Looks like I may hit an entire day of abstaining from destructive overeating and two consecutive days in a row of training!

1.5 days of success

Today I didn't do so well with my eating, but I got 1.5 days of abstinence and that's the best I've done in a long time. There's hope.

Hot danm! Day one of abstinence

God answered my prayers yesterday, I ate within my definition of abstinence. I've completed one day of abstaining from destructive overeating. I also rode my bike!

Today I have 3 goals:

1) to pray and keep God in my heart.

2) To be abstinent for today. I'm only going to worry about my eating today. I'm not going to worry about being abstinent tomorrow, or the next.

3) to do a run workout

for today

I'm hoping and praying I can eat right today. I don't care one bit if I can go longer than one day of abstaining from destructive binge eating. Right now I desperately need just one day. I can't remember the last time I was able to eat well from the time I woke up until the time I fell asleep, and I desperately need one today. I need to know I still can, because right now it doesn't feel like it.

one fat overeating triathlete

Today I tried to put on a pair of jeans, but none of the jeans in my closet fit. I went out to my shed and brought in my fat clothes. Those were to small also. So I got my XX-large box of clothes that I hadn't had to wear since 2006, those didn't fit either..... I was heart broken, embarrassed, and angry. So I did what every binge eater does when they've had enough; I ate a box of donuts at work to sooth the pain. Crap. I'm miserable right now, and the more miserable I get the more I eat, which makes me more miserable, so then back to the eating again.

mourning sucks

I've always been able to cut people out of my heart and out of my life easily. The moment I feel like I'm in danger of getting hurt, or things are becoming too difficult I simply drop them out of my life. Last night I realized one of the reasons my eating has been so out of control is that I miss my Dad. He was only back in my life for a little more than a year, but during that year I thoroughly enjoyed the visits, the phone calls, etc. It was wonderful feeling loved and wanted by a parent, that's not something I've had much of in my life. When my Dad disappeared again last month, it hurt me. Usually I could just slam my heart shut, but I can't this time. I wish I could give my Dad what he needs to be content with me, my wife, and my children. I wish he wanted to be in my life half as much as I want him in mine. I think of him daily. I miss him, and I love him. I've never allowed anyone to effect me this way before. I think the feeling I'm having is.... mourning. It hurts. I don't like it.

Today I was planning on eating healthy and going on a run. I ate healthy, I didn't binge. I missed the run, but I feel getting my eating under control is the most important thing, and I did that. Tomorrow morning I'll be going to an OA meeting and then going to church. This'll be the first time I've done either in a long time. Hopefully I'll still be abstinent from binge eating and start running and biking again on Monday. I weighed in at 236 this morning. I cant believe earlier this year I weighed 175.

I had an old blogger buddy comment on yesterdays blog post. He convinced me to go and race this weekend. I'll be humiliated racing at my current weight, but I know I'll feel better for having raced. I shouldn't give up on myself because of the possibility of being judged or mocked. Thanks couch potato to Ironman, I appreciate the support.

suffering and defeat in 2012

Last year was a great year. I maintained between 175-180 pounds all of 2011. I was abstinent from binge eating for a total of 16 months, qualified for the USAT national triathlon championships, completed an Ironman, and rekindled a relationship with my Dad whom I hadn't seen or heard from since 1988.

This year has been a painful one. In March of this year I fell of the wagon. I've gained 60 pounds and there's no sign of my binge eating or weight gain slowing down.

My Dad's girlfriend gave him the 3rd degree about having a relationship with me and my family so he's no longer calling and isn't returning my phone calls. He never responded to the birthday invitation my son sent him. I told my son lies to cover for my Dad, it seemed to make my son feel better, but it doesn't make me feel any better. He's done this to me my whole life, and now he's abandoning and hurting my kids too.

In July I cut my my Mom out of my life. She has borderline personality disorder, is a love addict, allows men into her life that is/was abusive to her child or grand-children, and is severely emotionally abusive. Although it's what's best for me and my family it is still painful. 2 parents out of my life within a couple months of each other. It hurts.......

I have a tremendous amount of guilt the way I ended things with my last sponsor. He was awesome and was there for me day and night. He deserved more.

I'm still meeting with my current sponsor, but I'm not working the steps or writing. I should be working the steps but it feels too painful, just too overwhelming. There's a lot of pain and junk I haven't dealt with that I have buried inside of me, bringing it to the surface now with all that's going on would be too much for me to handle.

I stopped going to church, reading the bible, and praying a couple of months ago.

Early in the year I registered for a triathlon, that race is next weekend. I am petrified of going. I haven't trained in a few months, but that wouldn't be a problem, I know I could gut check the race. I'm embarrassed, petrified of racing this weekend because of my weight. Everyone who knows me knows me as an in shape and fast guy. I'm everything BUT those things now. I don't want to show up, I'm afraid they'll say to each other, "what the hell happened to him?" I don't want that.

I haven't been this fat since 2006. My stomach is so big I can't get into the aero position on my bike, I'm too fat to fit into any of my workout gear, my rear end is so fat it looks like my ass swallowed the seat when I ride my bike, my body shakes and jiggles when I run like a big bowl of jello, so I've stopped training. This is the 1st time I've stopped swimming, biking, and running since 2004. Regardless how I was doing with my eating the one consistent in my life was training and triathlon racing. It kept a level of normality in my life. It kept me from becoming too self destructive. It kept me sane. Now that I'm no longer training I feel lost. I feel like I've given up on the one thing I was good at. Triathlon was more than a sport to me, it felt like a part of my personality. It made me feel normal, productive, dedicated and successful. Now I'm just a fat slob sitting around eating myself to death.

I'm hurting physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I've given up. I feel like only divine intervention could pull me out of the slump I'm in right now.

Back in the saddle

Today I seem to be back in control of my eating. Before I started binging I was at my dream weight of 175, I now weigh 202.4. If I lose 1 pound a week it'll take me over 4 months to reverse the damage I'd done, but at least I'm not binging anymore. I could have been back to 290 pounds before I finally recovered, that has happened to me many times before.

My 1st race of the season will be on April 1st. I was very excited about showing up to race at my dream weight of 175, but it could be worse. My Ironman is in the fall this year, that gives me plenty of time to get back down to a racing weight. Thank goodness for miracles like abstinence!

loss of control

I'm 3 days into a massive binge and no signs of being being able to stop. Yesterday I blew $49 for lunch & hit multiple drive thru's. A man can get a ton of burgers, chili cheese fries, and coney dogs for $49. I now know Satan is real, he is now selling sweet potato tater tots at Sonic.

The last time I was is the grips of a binge this severe I weighed 182 in July 2006, by November 2006 I weighed 256 pounds. Dear God help me. This is too big for me to bare.

I had just reached my dream weight of the mid 170's in July of 2011, and now I see that number in my rear view mirror getting smaller and smaller as I eat myself farther & farther away.

I'm spending a lot of time in prayer, any additional prayers would be greatly appreciated.

sincerely,
memoirs of a binge eating triathlete

Day 1 of SOBRIETY/ ABSTINENCE...again

Last night I fell of the wagon. My destructive overeating has continued all day today. I had 460 days of abstinence, and now I have to start over. I keep trying to stop binge eating by sheer force of will. No matter how hard I try I cant get back to sane eating, and I keep eating, and eating, and eating.... Finally my wife sat me down for a heart to heart. She took my hands into hers and she prayed to help me give my struggles over to God. Then she reminded me to not worry about how many days of abstinence I lost and reminded me to just worry about today. Not to worry about tomorrow, just today. Then she told me to stop beating myself up. To be gentle with myself. And that's when I started to heal again and trust in my Lord Jesus Christ.

In the morning I'll be starting from day 1 again, and I couldn't be happier.

Thank God for my wife and Gods grace.