Friday, April 16, 2010
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Fast foreword my story to today. I'm back on the wagon after a 2 day binder. Not good. Not an easy thing for me to swallow. It was particularly difficult for me because I had convinced myself that I had found a cure. That I had urges that I'd be able to ignore for the rest of my life. I'm not cured, I'm an addict. I'm addicted to food. & I'm unable to control it. Period.
I have found I use food for a lot of reasons. I use food to celebrate. I use it to deal with anger, frustration, & sadness. I especially use it when I feel like I have no control in something in my life.
I also use food to hide behind during social situations. I have social anxieties caused by PTSD. I have found I can be around people & enjoy the social situation but not have to participate in the conversations as long as my mouth was full. When I wasn't chewing I was expected to add to conversation. It's easier for me to only add to a conversation when I want to, rather than when I'm expected to. And food offers that island of safety for me.
I had progressed through the 1st 3 of the 12 steps of recovery. The 4th step is dang hard. I have to make a list of all the people I had hurt & make amends to them. I have to make a list of all the people I have negative feeling towards & what my part in that is. I also have to make a list of all my short comings & of my strengths. Sounds easy at first. Trust me it's not. I've always been a perfectionist. If I can't do something right, I just won't do it at all. And that is exactly the approach I took on the 4th step. I found it hard & wasn't sure if I could finish the step to perfection, so I stopped progressing through the steps completely.
Since I felt progressing through the 12 steps was an integral part of OA & I couldn't finish the 4th step, I stopped everything. I didn't go to meetings anymore, I stopped making out reach phone calls when I felt the desire to eat, & I got rid of my sponsor.
So tomorrow I start going back to meetings, working the 12 steps, go about finding another sponsor, & making out reach phone calls-ok, time for me to fess up, I never once made an out reach phone call. I was to proud & cowardly to ask for help. But next time I have a need to binge I'm going to try to make my 1st out reach.
Stay tuned here to see how my recovery goes. This time I know I'm an addict. I can't be cured. My addiction is something I need to learn skills to live with. My addiction is something I need to deal with on a daily basis. Everyday. I can't do this on my own. I have to work the steps, find a sponsor, follow a meal plan, & turn it over to God because this addiction is bigger than I a capable of dealing with..