Thursday, August 30, 2012

1.5 days of success

Today I didn't do so well with my eating, but I got 1.5 days of abstinence and that's the best I've done in a long time. There's hope.

Hot danm! Day one of abstinence

God answered my prayers yesterday, I ate within my definition of abstinence. I've completed one day of abstaining from destructive overeating. I also rode my bike!

Today I have 3 goals:

1) to pray and keep God in my heart.

2) To be abstinent for today. I'm only going to worry about my eating today. I'm not going to worry about being abstinent tomorrow, or the next.

3) to do a run workout

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

for today

I'm hoping and praying I can eat right today. I don't care one bit if I can go longer than one day of abstaining from destructive binge eating. Right now I desperately need just one day. I can't remember the last time I was able to eat well from the time I woke up until the time I fell asleep, and I desperately need one today. I need to know I still can, because right now it doesn't feel like it.

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

one fat overeating triathlete

Today I tried to put on a pair of jeans, but none of the jeans in my closet fit. I went out to my shed and brought in my fat clothes. Those were to small also. So I got my XX-large box of clothes that I hadn't had to wear since 2006, those didn't fit either..... I was heart broken, embarrassed, and angry. So I did what every binge eater does when they've had enough; I ate a box of donuts at work to sooth the pain. Crap. I'm miserable right now, and the more miserable I get the more I eat, which makes me more miserable, so then back to the eating again.

Saturday, August 25, 2012

mourning sucks

I've always been able to cut people out of my heart and out of my life easily. The moment I feel like I'm in danger of getting hurt, or things are becoming too difficult I simply drop them out of my life. Last night I realized one of the reasons my eating has been so out of control is that I miss my Dad. He was only back in my life for a little more than a year, but during that year I thoroughly enjoyed the visits, the phone calls, etc. It was wonderful feeling loved and wanted by a parent, that's not something I've had much of in my life. When my Dad disappeared again last month, it hurt me. Usually I could just slam my heart shut, but I can't this time. I wish I could give my Dad what he needs to be content with me, my wife, and my children. I wish he wanted to be in my life half as much as I want him in mine. I think of him daily. I miss him, and I love him. I've never allowed anyone to effect me this way before. I think the feeling I'm having is.... mourning. It hurts. I don't like it.

Today I was planning on eating healthy and going on a run. I ate healthy, I didn't binge. I missed the run, but I feel getting my eating under control is the most important thing, and I did that. Tomorrow morning I'll be going to an OA meeting and then going to church. This'll be the first time I've done either in a long time. Hopefully I'll still be abstinent from binge eating and start running and biking again on Monday. I weighed in at 236 this morning. I cant believe earlier this year I weighed 175.

I had an old blogger buddy comment on yesterdays blog post. He convinced me to go and race this weekend. I'll be humiliated racing at my current weight, but I know I'll feel better for having raced. I shouldn't give up on myself because of the possibility of being judged or mocked. Thanks couch potato to Ironman, I appreciate the support.

Friday, August 24, 2012

suffering and defeat in 2012

Last year was a great year. I maintained between 175-180 pounds all of 2011. I was abstinent from binge eating for a total of 16 months, qualified for the USAT national triathlon championships, completed an Ironman, and rekindled a relationship with my Dad whom I hadn't seen or heard from since 1988.

This year has been a painful one. In March of this year I fell of the wagon. I've gained 60 pounds and there's no sign of my binge eating or weight gain slowing down.

My Dad's girlfriend gave him the 3rd degree about having a relationship with me and my family so he's no longer calling and isn't returning my phone calls. He never responded to the birthday invitation my son sent him. I told my son lies to cover for my Dad, it seemed to make my son feel better, but it doesn't make me feel any better. He's done this to me my whole life, and now he's abandoning and hurting my kids too.

In July I cut my my Mom out of my life. She has borderline personality disorder, is a love addict, allows men into her life that is/was abusive to her child or grand-children, and is severely emotionally abusive. Although it's what's best for me and my family it is still painful. 2 parents out of my life within a couple months of each other. It hurts.......

I have a tremendous amount of guilt the way I ended things with my last sponsor. He was awesome and was there for me day and night. He deserved more.

I'm still meeting with my current sponsor, but I'm not working the steps or writing. I should be working the steps but it feels too painful, just too overwhelming. There's a lot of pain and junk I haven't dealt with that I have buried inside of me, bringing it to the surface now with all that's going on would be too much for me to handle.

I stopped going to church, reading the bible, and praying a couple of months ago.

Early in the year I registered for a triathlon, that race is next weekend. I am petrified of going. I haven't trained in a few months, but that wouldn't be a problem, I know I could gut check the race. I'm embarrassed, petrified of racing this weekend because of my weight. Everyone who knows me knows me as an in shape and fast guy. I'm everything BUT those things now. I don't want to show up, I'm afraid they'll say to each other, "what the hell happened to him?" I don't want that.

I haven't been this fat since 2006. My stomach is so big I can't get into the aero position on my bike, I'm too fat to fit into any of my workout gear, my rear end is so fat it looks like my ass swallowed the seat when I ride my bike, my body shakes and jiggles when I run like a big bowl of jello, so I've stopped training. This is the 1st time I've stopped swimming, biking, and running since 2004. Regardless how I was doing with my eating the one consistent in my life was training and triathlon racing. It kept a level of normality in my life. It kept me from becoming too self destructive. It kept me sane. Now that I'm no longer training I feel lost. I feel like I've given up on the one thing I was good at. Triathlon was more than a sport to me, it felt like a part of my personality. It made me feel normal, productive, dedicated and successful. Now I'm just a fat slob sitting around eating myself to death.

I'm hurting physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I've given up. I feel like only divine intervention could pull me out of the slump I'm in right now.