Tuesday, March 29, 2011

easy big guy!

This weekend I competed in a triathlon. I had a blast! Racing always motivates me to stay on course with my workouts & diet. With my OCD I have to be careful though. I have a tendency to go over board and start pushing myself way to hard on both accounts. Most triathletes who aren't naturally thin time their weight loss to be at the lowest they can get for a particular race, then gain a little weight during their off season. Last year I got a little overzealous, I trained & dieted to hard for way way to long! I got down to 184 pounds at %8.5 body fat. I felt ok at 184 pounds for awhile, but once my body had enough I lost control in a huge way! In a little over 2 months I lost my abstinence & gained 51 pounds. Ouch. I'm trying to stay focused this year on 2 main goals: big numero uno is my abstinence! This is what I care most about. My 2nd goal is to try and get triathlon thin for my Ironman this year. I believe these 2 goals are not exclusive of each other. I'm thinking if I can get down to 190 pounds by May (I feel great at that weight & can stay at 190 forever without problems), then maintain that weight until September 1st, then try & get down to my dream race weight of 180-185 pounds by race day. I think (hope) that 10 weeks will give me enough time to lose the weight slowly and comfortably so I don't get overly hungry, which can make a person overeat. Overeating for a normal person may not be a big deal. In a meal or two they are back to "normal" and able to asses what may have happened & what to do about it. A food addict like me may not be able to get back on the wagon for months or years. I know, I've been there many times! I desperately want to avoid becoming out of control with my eating, but I also desperately want to be a fast Iron distance triathlete, and in triathlon light is fast. If I'm over weight at a race I'm slow, but if I go to over board with my dieting then I fall off the wagon and gain 100 pounds- I've done it. I need to do some praying on this & be honest with myself when I'm in the process of dropping that last 10 pounds or I'll regret it in huge way! Anyone know any endurance athletes who are looking to be an OA sponsor? If so point them my way. I'd really like to find a sponsor who understands the endurance athletes life style while also understanding the compulsive over eaters life style. With how prevalent food disorders are in endurance sports there has to be someone out there who could help me balance both simultaneously.

Monday, March 28, 2011

God's will

The last couple months my sponsor & I had been having a hard time connecting. I was trying to reach her, & I believe she was trying also, things just weren't panning out like we both needed. We decided to part ways. I'm now sponsor-less. I'm ok with the ways things worked out- I'd even be willing to say I'm optimistic. I believe since we were both wanting to do our part but things outside of our control were preventing us, then it must have been God's intervention. I believe He chose for this to happen for the overall good of one or both of us. I've decided to take 3 weeks to catch up on my reading before I attempt to get another sponsor. I'm an avid reader and haven't been able to read much since starting to work the 12 steps. I may be making a mistake by not going out and actively looking for a new sponsor immediately. Perhaps it's my addiction "convincing" me to be selfish for a few weeks. I dunno, but I'm about to find out. I'll keep up my relationship with God, praying, building my food plan daily, working out 6 times a week, and attending at least 1 OA meeting a week. I'm hoping that will be enough to keep me abstinent until I've finished the Star Wars books that's been published since I got into program. Only God knows for sure........

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

3 months at last!

I made 3 months of abstinence from compulsive overeating! The night before I hit 3 months was brutal! I was obsessing over food, & had a desperate need to binge eat. I made a couple outreach phone calls, read a few blogs on compulsive overeating, & prayed, & that got me through the night. I'd like to give a big thanks to Charlie who I only knew from his blog, I called him & that made a huge difference in my desire to binge.

The next day, thanks to the good Lord I felt better. I got my 3 month chip at my OA meeting. That felt so wonderful.

Anyways, I need to head out on my bike ride before the kids wake up so I'm singing off for now. Thanks everyone!

Monday, March 14, 2011

2 months 3 weeks & 6 days abstinent & I'm in trouble

I've made it farther into abstinence than I ever have. Tomorrow I earn my 3 month chip. At least I should...... I'm not sure I'll make it. I've been obsessing about food most of the last 2 weeks. My definition of abstinence is to avoid a pattern of compulsive eating. Today during lunch was the first time I didn't follow my food plan. I didn't go crazy, I ate 1 P & B sandwich, 2 gum balls, & 4 3/8 oz goldfish more than I should have. Usually a small amount during 1 meal over what I should have ate is the breaking point. Once I do that I'm usually completely unable to eat in moderation. By unable to eat in moderation I mean binge eating so severe that I'll completely wreck my families finances from the amount of food I'll buy & eat in a week or less. Ten thousand calories a day would be a moderate day of binging. Sometimes these binges last weeks, but sometimes they last much longer. My binges have lasted a year and a half before. I'm afraid. If I can pull myself together by dinner I may have a chance, but I've never made it past 2 meals of eating unplanned food before. God help me.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

3 weeks ago I started reading a book called "understanding the borderline mother." It explains my mother perfectly, I've realized she has borderline personality disorder. On one hand the book was very healing because I was able to realize that my mother's actions & treatment of me wasn't my fault. I also realized her actions aren't because she's mean or evil, it's because she's sick. It was good for me to learn about her problem & to learn some of how to deal with her, but on the other hand it stated clearly in the book that there's no cure for her borderline personality. She will be that way forever.

Recently my wife & I had started going to counseling to try & fix some of the problems between my Mother & us. No matter what my wife or I said my mother twisted what we said or lied about what was said. Unfortunately I learned counseling was futile. There's no fixing her & there's no changing her. I have a choice to make, I can either except her for who she is & what she does or I can cut her out of my life. I'd prefer a life without her, but my wife & church councilor is saying I should keep a relationship with her & just try my best to avoid giving her ammunition to use against me when she gets angry & tries to slander my wife & I, which is what she always does anytime anyone disagrees with her no matter how small the issue it is. In her mind a person is either all for her or against her & she plays dirty when she goes to war against someone.

The good news is now I know & understand her, the bad news is that since I started reading this book I stopped pretty much all my eating recovery. I hadn't gone to an OA meeting in 3 weeks. I haven't worked on any of the 12 steps or done any writings in 3 weeks. & I haven't been able to get a hold of my sponsor, but only half of those missed phone calls were my fault.

Somehow I have been able to stay abstinent & not fall back into a pattern of destructive eating. I believe most of that was because I kept a decent relationship with Christ. Also because I have a very strong food plan that I got into the habit of doing without fail.

This last weekend my wife & I went to Pagosa Springs Colorado for the weekend. That was the 1st time we were able to get away without our kids in over 4 years. Usually being away from home, work, etc will throw me into binge eating. Celebration is also a huge trigger for me, this weekend was both. But I was able to continue my abstinence. I'm now 2 weeks away from hitting 3 months abstinence. I've never hit 3 months before.

I will start working the 12 steps & writings again tonight. Thank God that God is with me, other wise this would have been a horrible 3 weeks of binging & weight gain.