Tuesday, April 26, 2011

back into my skinny clothes

Last winter I gained back all the weight I had struggled for so long to get & keep off. I was forced to take all the clothes I could no longer fit into out to the shed & bring in all my fat clothes. It was one of the most painful experiences of my life. I was once again the fat man.

In January I got back on the wagon. I've lost a large portion of the weight I'd gained. Today, I'm proud to say, I was able to bring my skinny clothes back inside & throw all my fat clothes outside once again! It felt so good!!!!!

3 cheers for skinny clothes!!!

PS. This weekend I was able to avoid binge eating for the 1st Easter ever!

Monday, April 25, 2011

day 1 training for Ironman Arizona!

I went to my 1st OA meeting in a couple weeks. I got my 4 month chip. It felt great. I'm promising myself that I'll hit at least 1 meeting a week from here on out. Not only do I feel better after the meeting, but I'm going to need the extra help for the next 7 months.

Today was my 1st day of a 7 month training program for Ironman Arizona. I'm so excited, but I'm also frightened. Training for Ironman distance triathlon causes massive problems with my eating.

1)I know light is fast, so I try & get to as low of a body weight I can handle. When I get to low it makes me hungrier, which all to often throws me into a binge.

2) the massive training load for an Iron distance triathlon stresses the body out physically, emotionally, & even spiritually. In times of stress I tend to binge.

3) The training makes me tired, which makes me want to binge for comfort.

4) The massive amounts of training needed for an Ironman makes me HUNGRY! The amazing hunger that can accompany Ironman training can make me rationalize eating in ways that are destructive to my abstinence.

5) The 2 months before my Ironman I start to get worried, excited, nervous, etc, which makes me binge.

The last time I trained exclusively for an Ironman my body weight shot from 204 in September to 237 on race day in November. The Year before that I shot up from 187 in July to 250 in November.

I'm very excited to be training for an Ironman. My dream is to go sub 12 hours someday, which I believe I could do IF I'm able to show up on race day weighing under 190 pounds. But since I'm a compulsive binge eater that's a mighty big IF!!! & by the way, if you know of any endurance athletes who have an eating disorder & are available to become a sponsor, please send them my way!

Thanks for tuning in, you are helping in my recovery.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

weight, triathlon, sponsor, sci-fi, and other things on my mind

I'm a couple weeks away from hitting the 5 month mark of abstinence from compulsive binge eating. I'm following a strict food plan, following my definition of abstinence, & staying strong with my Lord God. Those are the only things keeping me on the wagon because I'm not working the steps, nor do I have a sponsor. I haven't even started looking for another sponsor. If I see another compulsive over eater who is or was an endurance athlete and is looking for a sponoree I'd jump at the opportunity, but the likely hood of that happening are as good as me qualiying for Kona. As promised I'm going to start looking for a sponsor once I've read the Star Wars books that's been released & I haven't read. Since my sponsor & I parted ways I've read The Old republic & the 1st & 2nd of the Darth Bane series. I need to finish the 3rd of the Darth Bane series, & the Fate of the Jedi series. Anyways, enough of my nerdiness & my excuses of not actively looking for another sponsor.

My weight is now 197 pounds. I'm 7 pounds away from my goal weight of 190. 190 isn't my "dream" weight, but it's the weight I'm shooting to get to for now. I'm planning on maintaining 190 until September, then I'm hoping to drop down to my dream weight of 180 by Ironman Arizona in November. I'm very excited about reaching my goal weight (190). I've been dieting since January. For the last three & a half months I've been cutting 1000 calories a day from my diet and have lost 38 pounds! I'm now 4 weeks from my goal. Once I reach my goal I'll be able to start eating my metabolic rate, which right now is 3,200 calories a day- I love triathlon training! It makes my metabolism run hot like a fine oiled machine!

I raced this weekend. I pushed myself hard the entire race. One of the best efforts I've ever had, but my time wasn't anywhere near the time I finished with last year at the same race. Last year I didn't have the focus or drive that I did this year. The difference between last years time & this years slower time is my weight. I'm 10 pounds heavier. I'm still searching to find a balance between getting to as low of a weight as I can without binging. The lighter I get, the hungrier I am all the time, if I get too hungry I end up binge eating. It's a balancing act I've yet to learn to balance. Last year I got down to 184 pounds before I fell off the wagon, I then shot up tp 235 pounds in a couple months. So I'm hoping if I stop trying to lose weight once I get to 190 pounds, I can maintain that weight until September. Then in September drop to 180 & maintain 180 forever. I'll keep you posted on how it goes. Thanks for tuning in, you are instrumental in my recovery!

Monday, April 11, 2011

Recovery means healing & learning

Yesterday I talked to my Mom for the 1st time in a couple months. As usual, it didn't go well. First I was angry, then I felt like crying, & then for half an hour my eyes kept welling up with tears, & I thought to myself that eating would deaden those feelings, but I wasn't having a desire to binge. But that was just a thought, not a deep desire or need for food. I'd never had that happen before. I always either ignored the problem or I ate my feelings. This was progress. For the 1st time I felt feelings like a normal human being. For the first time I felt without needing to dump food into the emotion. This is progress. Sunday night I took my 3 babies to Hoots for a birthday party. I spent three entire hours chasing, jumping, & running with my babies. I had more fun than I can ever remember having. I couldn't have done that when I was 300 pounds. Recovery has not only helped me get in touch with my feelings, it's also helped me become a better father. Sunday night my 19 month old was teething. He was SO tired from a busy day of 2 church services, a lunch with another couple from church, & then the birthday party. But he was up until late last night teething & crying. I finally laid down on the couch with him on my chest & cuddled up under a blanket. He slept soundly the rest of the night. He was still in pain, but me holding & loving on him made him comforted enough to sleep through the pain. I enjoyed the bonding moment with him, & I realized that as much as I love my son & will always do everything I can to help relieve him of the pain he's going through, God loves me that much & more. And He's even more willing to help me through times that are painful or too much for me to bare on my own. All I have to do is ask God for help & He will. Just as I enjoyed helping my son in his time of need, God would find great fulfillment from helping me & having fellowship with me. Recovery isn't easy, but it heals physically, emotional, & spiritually. It can help better our relationships with our family, friends, co-workers, God, & even ourselves. I'm so happy. Thank you Jesus.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

another race, another few mile stones.

Amazingly I'm still abstinent! 111 days! 9 days until I hit 4 months! I competed in a triathlon this weekend, ran 7:36 minute miles for 3.2 miles, averaged 19 mph on a 15.5 mile bike, and a 10:30 500 meter swim. 5th place AG, 33rd overall out of 250. I'm weighing 201 pounds, down 34 since Jan 1st!!! I fit into a large work pants for the 1st time since last Aug! Happy happy joy joy!!!