God loved me so much...

Hi, Im a compulsive binge eater. What does that mean? I use food to numb my feelings, to comfort, to celebrate, etc, etc…… I've never found a feeling that can't be made better by the use of my drug of choice, food. Most people use food to self sooth, but few do it to such an extreme degree. Binge eating in its self is a painful issue to deal with, but when my love for endurance athletics is added into the equation, then it's a particularly heart breaking issue to deal with. In triathlon, just like all endurance athletics, weight is important. The lighter a person is the faster and farther they can swim, bike, and run.

I’m going to be completely honest and straight forward with you about the addiction that I have. It's not pretty. Many will be repulsed. Many will look at my addiction and think I'm weak. That's ok, every person is welcome to their opinions.

What brought about the courage to write about my deepest darkest demon on my blog for the entire world to see? I’ve come to the realization that God loves me so much He put this addiction into my life. He makes no mistakes, and if He put this into my life I shouldn’t hide from it, and who knows, I may be able to use my story to help others with their dependency problem.

So here’s my story:

In July 2007 I weighed 182 pounds. I was kicking butt at the triathlons I was competing in. In November of the same year I showed up and competed in the Silverman full distance triathlon weighing in at 256 ponds. I’d gained 74 pounds in 4 months while swimming, biking, and running 19+ hours a week. IDNF'd, and after the race another triathlete started teasing me about my weight gain. He pissed me off and motivated me. I started dieting.....again. I got down to 200 pounds, and then POW, just like that I found myself in the middle of yet another binge! I’ve repeated that same scenario more times than I care to remember.

Sometimes my destructive overeating lasts a few days, they have lasted as long as half a year. One year in particular I dropped from 292 pounds to 204 pounds, back up to 269, then back down to 227. It's an emotional roller coaster for me and everyone in my life.

When I binge I often eat so much I overload and damage my kidneys. For me to regain control takes prayer and Gods Grace, and a strong support group. My eating addiction is much too big for me to handle, but it's insignificant for God.

God put this eating disorder into my life to force me to develop a stronger relationship with Him. When I drift from Him I fall off the wagon. When I want to recover, I have to turn to Him or I’m unable to stop my destructive over eating. God loves me so much He put this addiction into my life to keep us in constant fellowship and comunication.

The only way I'll be able to stay abstinent from destructive overeating is by prayer and grace! I've tried everything I could on my own to prevent myself from binge eating, and nothing has worked. I'm not strong enough to handle my addiction by myself, but God is willing to help me. God loves me where I'm at, but "He" loves me too much to leave me there. There's no problem that cannot become a crisis and no crisis that cannot become a disaster -- if I eat to try to escape. Only God can turn a mess into a message, so I’ve learned I need to keep my focus on Him.

In 2007 I realized I was an addict. Addicts are unable to deal with the everyday stress of life without numbing themselves and their feelings with their drug of choice. I became fearful when I realized that if I stopped binge eating I'd be forced to face life, and feel my emotions and my pain.

If I stopped binge eating how would I learn to deal with my emotions? How long would it take to learn healthy ways to deal with my life? The answers to those questions petrified me. But eventually God gave me the answer I needed: take it one day at a time. Lay my addiction on Gods shoulders & concentrate on staying abstinant from destructive overeating this moment, today. Thinking how I'd be abstinant for the rest of my life, or even a few days in a row was to overwhelming. I don't worry about tomorrow, I just worry about staying abstinant today.

When a person experiences pain it causes a person to change, and the best way to change is by turning to God and the bible. I didn’t turn to God when I self medicated with food. I numbed my feelings, I covered them up, and when I covered them up I stunted my emotional and spiritual growth.

My desire to binge eat can be greatly minimized by avoiding sugar (and NEVER EVER going to an all you can eat buffet!!!). Sugar is my one of my biggest triggers. I still have yearnings to binge eat when I see or smell certain foods, but a large part of my cravings go away once I stop eating sugar. So if I’m eating with you or if you cook me a meal, please don’t be insulted if something special you’ve prepared contains sugar and I refuse to try it. Just a small taste may throw me into a tail spin of weight gain, depression, self hate, and possible kidney damage. Never eating sugar may seem extreme, but this disease I'm fighting is extreme.

The most difficult lesson for me to learn about my destructive eating is to be gentle with myself. During every binge I'd beat myself up, I'd punish myself, hate myself. The loathing and stress I had about my binges caused me to binge even more. Even when I was doing well with my eating I'd be obsessing about my past or future binges. Regretting the past causes me to repeat it. Ignoring the past will also cause me to repeat it. The only way I can recover is by learning from my failures. Each time I fall off the wagon I try and learn what the causes were and not regret my action.

In regards to my overeating I sometimes ask myself if I would have done anything differently if I had the chance. "Darn right I would!" But I will not regret the past nor do I wish to shut the door on it. The gift of the past is the realization that it has been the totality of my life experience that has brought me to this stage of my spiritual journey. And I have come to love the man I have become & am still becoming, having learned to love the lessons that come with my struggles to live in the fullness of who God made me to be. It would be hard to imagine an addict coming into recovery who does not regret the harm they have caused themselves & others. If I have committed myself to practicing spiritual discipline on an ongoing basis, in the context of a relationship with my Lord Jesus Christ, I can't see that regret is of much use. At some point I, a recovering food addict has to let go of beating myself up & focus on gratitude for the opportunity to really transform my life for the better.

I realize I am powerless over food & that my life has become unmanageable. I realize only God can restore me to sanity & I have made my mind up to turn my will & my entire life over to God.

Addictions are progressive. Addictions are more powerful than your will power and more cunning than your intellect. If you’re an addict, you’ll never be able to recover on your own. You’ll continue to get worse until you seek the help of someone who has recovered from what you are now struggling with. There is help available, there are thousands of people who would love the opportunity to help. Turn to one of these resources:

http://www.celebraterecovery.com/

google meeting locations for OA, NA, GA, OR AA,

or go to a bible based church.