Wednesday, November 6, 2013

an olympic weight lifting coach

Great news! I talked to the Olympic weight lifting coach here in Santa Fe and I'll start training with him on Monday! I'm very excited. I've been dreaming of Olympic weight lifting for almost a year now, and this coach is a top notch coach. He has numerous athlete's who are world record holders.

Since I've been completely sedentary for the last few months he's going to have me working exclusively on partial lifts. If after a couple weeks I seem to be responding well to the partial lifts he'll move me into the next phase. My first goal is to drop down to the heavyweight division which is 206 to 231 pounds. This morning I weighed in at 280 pounds which means I'm in the super heavyweight division of 232 pounds and above.

Since I'll start training on Monday I'm going to go to an OA meeting today to try and get my eating under control. Like I said, my first goal is to get into the heavy weight division which means I need to lose 48 pounds. I can't do that without OA meetings, phone calls, prayer, a sponsor, and God!

I'll keep you updated on how things go.

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

looking for a new motivation

For me working out and eating are intimately connected. When I'm training regularly it's easier for me to avoid binge eating. When I don't workout regularly I am usually binge eating. Since 2004 I've kept myself motivated and my eating somewhat under control with triathlon. A couple years ago I got ran over by a vehicle while cycling and since then I've been too afraid to bike and I've been gaining weight so quickly it's frightening. I'm currently 275 pounds, 100 pounds heavier than when I got ran over while cycling. Because of the weight gain I'm starting to have problems breathing when I sleep. My step dad had sleep apnea, and I'm pretty sure I'm in the beginning stages of what I saw him go through. I'm only 37 years old. Sleep apnea killed him in 2006. Scary huh.

I've finally come to the conclusion that I need to give up on my dreams of getting back into triathlon. I'm too heavy to run without destroying my body, I get too freaked out when I bike on the road, and I'd certainly crush my carbon fiber bike if I tried to ride it on the indoor trainer. I need to find something else to fill the void of triathlon. I definitely can't workout at a gym or run on a treadmill. I need to TRAIN! The difference between working out and training is when someone trains they are preparing for a competition. I love to compete. Competition fuels me and makes me motivated like nothing else can. The only other sport I can think of that I could get into that has competitions and doesn't involve riding a bike is Olympic weight lifting. Olympic weight lifting would be great for me because there are weight divisions and to be competitive I'd need to get into the lowest weight division possible.

I contacted the local Olympic weight lifting coach here in Santa Fe. There is a chance he wont call back or wont let me train with him. He rents a space from a local CrossFit gym that I used to workout at. I ended up canceling my membership with the CrossFit gym, and I'm afraid the Olympic weight lifting coach wont want me to train with him for fear of causing hurt feelings with the owner of the CrossFit gym. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that the owner of the CrossFit gym will be ok with me switching over to the other business under his roof.

In the last 2 years I haven't gone more than a day or two without binge eating. I still haven't got another 12 step sponsor, gone to any OA meetings, made outreach phone calls, or found a sport to be dedicated to, and until I do I will continue to struggle with my eating.

Friday, September 20, 2013

The 2013 Santa Fe triathlon

I'm washing 2 years of dirt off of my road bike. I'll be competing in the Santa Fe triathlon tomorrow morning. It's only a sprint triathlon, but ANY triathlon will hurt since I haven't trained at all in two years. Tomorrow is a race to celebrate being impulsive and unprepared, but doing it anyways.

I'm choosing to race on my road bike instead of my triathlon bike because I'm currently tipping the scales at 266 pounds and I'm relatively sure I'd crush my carbon framed tri bike.

Because of my weight and how I look I'm embarrassed about racing tomorrow. But I"m doing it, and that's all that matters.
Tomorrow's triathlon will be my 85th multisport race. I'm still working to hit my goal of finishing 100 triathlons and duathlons someday. Back in my heyday I was averaging 16 multisport races, a half dozen running races, and a few centuries a year, so 15 shouldn't be that hard.

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

in gods time

I've been binging consistently for a year and a half. In the last year and a half I've gained 90 pounds, I've stopped going to church, I've stopped going to meetings, I've stopped making phone calls to other overeaters for help, I've stopped reading the bible, I haven't ran or biked in over two years. I've been lazy. In between work shifts I just sit in my lazy boy chair eating, not working out. This isn't rock bottom, but its uncomfortable enough that I want to change. I've gone to two meetings this week. It felt great. Next what I need to do is find a sponsor and start working the steps with. I've tried 4 different sponsors. 3 of them I didn't make any progress with, but one of them I made GREAT gains with. I've been searching for another sponsor that has what I'm looking for. during this process of searching I'm getting fatter and more desperate. Then this morning an old OA friend was at the meeting and announced he's available for sponsoring. Shortly after than I saw this picture and it made me feel better. I know, I'm not searching for a love story, I'm searching for a sponsor, a relationship with god, and a healthy relationship with food. But it made me feel better anyways.

Monday, August 19, 2013

God and I

Somewhere around a year and a half to two years ago, back when I was on the wagon, I hit 9 months of abstinence from binge eating, I lost 120 pounds, and was at my dream weight. I realized now that one of the reasons I fell off the wagon was that my goals were all wrong. My main goals were that I wanted to hit my goal weight and rack up as many days of abstinence from binge eating as I could. I was willing to pray and develop a relationship with God if it meant accomplishing my goals. It should have been that my relationship with my god should have come in first in my list of priorities above and beyon days of abstinance, a dream weight, and being a fast triathlete. A couple days ago I started going to meetings, reading the bible, praying, and writing again.

I did a writing that asked, "write the similarities between your heavenly father and your earthly father". I was horrified by what I wrote. I wrote things like, "both are very harsh and quick to anger if I don't do what he wants."
  "They are quick to punish."
  "It's almost impossible to be the person they expect me to be." "It's better to be out of sight and out of mind than to be seen and be a disappointment."
   "And that I'm an annoyance to him when I need help or am struggling."

Somewhere in side of me I know that isn't who God really is. But I'm having a difficult time convincing myself that he loves me ALL the time. That he's kind and gentle. That he wants to there for me. He will be gentle in his dealings with me when I need to lean on him. God actually wants to be a part of my life, he has enough patience and time for me. He won't turn on me like mean dog when I start to feel comfortable in our relationship.

For some reason I don't trust god yet. I'm afraid of him. The problem is me, not him. But I don't know how to fix me.

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

the countdown starts.... yesterday

After almost 2 years of searching for something to fill the spot of triathlon I've finally found something I'm excited about. I'm going to try my hand at olympic weightlifting! My 1s t event will be in Sept. The one in Sept I'm doing just for fun. I wont be trying to throw around big weights or impress anyone. I'll just be trying to get some experience and have some fun. My 2nd olympic weightlifting competition will be held in early November. Not only will I be taking the 2nd event more seriously, I'm hoping to no longer be a super heavy weight. I need to weight 230 pounds or less to no longer be a super heavy weight, which means I need to lose 32 pounds in just over 3 months. I started my diet yesterday, and as of yesterday I had 7 days of abstinence! That's the 1st time in many many months that I've hit an entire week without binge eating. To bad there's no 1 week chip.

Wish me luck and abstinence!

Monday, July 29, 2013

olympic weightlifting for me?

A couple months ago I posted that I retired from triathlons. The sport of triathlon was great for my eating disorder. I love competition, so the races fueled me with passion and motivated me to be dedicated. No matter how much I worked out if I binge ate I'd be overweight and slow. And if I didn't eat enough I'd be to weak to finish my workouts. The healthiest I've ever been was when I was training for Ironman Arizona in 2011. Since I retired from triathlon I've been looking for a sport to pick up to help me stay active and keep me from being obese, which I am VERY obese right now. I've been doing CrossFit for awhile and I love it. But I've been content being the slowest and fattest person in my CF gym.

 There's a lot of Olympic weight lifting in CrossFit, and I've found I really enjoy the olympic weight lifting. One of the things that attracts me to that sport is that it's important to get and stay as light as possible. Olympic weight lifters compete in a division determined by their body weight. The men's divisions are:
123 lb
137 lb
152 lb
170 lb
187 lb
207 lb
231 lb
and over 231 lbs

Currently I weight 265 pounds, so I'd be in the 231 and over division. Virtually all of the athletes in the 231 lb and over division are freakishly strong. That's NOT the division I'd want to lift in. Probably the best division for me would be the 170-187 pound division. I'm still strong and healthy at 190 lbs, and I could cut a few pounds the day before the competition to make the 187 pound category. There's an olympic weight lifting competition here in my home town on September 7th, and another on November 9th. I'm going to compete in them to see if I enjoy it as much as I think I will. I'll keep you posted.

Monday, July 22, 2013

CrossFit and binge eating

I could very well be the only athlete in the world who became fatter doing CrossFit. In the last 3 months I've gained 40 pounds- obviously I'm binging again. I'm up to 267 pounds. I haven't worked out at all in 3 weeks- my 3 year old has been in the hospital with pneumonia. I've spent the last three weeks contemplating quitting CrossFit. Everyone at my CrossFit box sees me working out hard and still gaining weight. I'm embarrassed. I'm the heaviest person there by at least 50 pounds and still getting heavier.

Today I showed up fully expecting this would be my last CrossFit workout ever, but when I showed up all the people I've worked out with at my CrossFit box were genuinely excited to see me, and I realized I missed them a lot too. CrossFit is more than a gym. We're people who are doing the workouts together day in and day out, supporting each other, suffering, sweating, and getting better together. The people there are more like a family.

Even after not working out for three weeks I still set a personal best back squat of 285 pounds. I finished the workout of the day in last place even though I was using the weight the girls were using. No surprise there, I usually finish in last place. Before I had a chance to feel bad about myself all the members of Zia CrossFit clapped and said wonderfully supportive things to me. I left feeling good about myself. That always ends up happening. My fellow CrossFit'ers make me feel good about myself and good about my effort. They don't know I'm a compulsive binge eater, but I don't think they'd care. I'm the fattest person there, but it doesn't seem to matter to them. I'm the only person there who is overweight and not losing weight- but they don't seem to care about that either. They are the most supportive people I've ever met. They accept me exactly as I am. They've always known me as a fat dude, but they have no expectations of me to lose weight. They don't know me as the athlete I used to be. They don't have the high expectations for me that I do for myself. They don't see me as the failure that I see myself as when I look at myself in the mirror. They are fully accepting of me. They don't see me as a failure because I keep showing up.Why would I want to leave a place that makes me feel so good about myself? Why would I want to give up something that makes me healthier and is countering much of the damage I'm doing to myself when I binge?

Sunday, April 14, 2013


I've been in a Paleo and fitness competition for the last 9 weeks. As of yesterday I'd lost 29 pounds and was within 9 pounds of my short term goal of 220. My diet hasn't been a problem all year. It's as if I've been a normal person in regards to my eating, which I know I'm not. A lot of my food normality has to do with me cutting my Mom out of my life last year. My life has virtually no drama and abuse in it anymore. I constantly hear people say things about family being the best thing in a persons life. I don't agree. My friends are in my life because they make me happy and make me feel better about my life. My Mom doesn't. Most of my family doesn't. I chose my friends, I can't choose who my family is. Life is better without my Mom in it. Looking back I realize what a great mother she was when I was young. But once I hit puberty she turned on me like a rabid dog. I know a lot of it has to do with her dysfunctional view of men, and once she saw me turning into a man I became something to control and abuse..........

Anyways...... One of the things I learned during my short time in overeaters anonymous was never allow yourself to get hungry, anger, lonely, or tired (H.A.L.T.). I've been working a lot of hours recently. By recently I mean just shy of 8 years. I have a wife who is perfect in every way, except her relationship with money, so I have to try to work enough to pay for her spending, which I'm finding is impossible. I've been working 70-90 hours a week for 8 years........ Anyways, I got off of a 16 hour shift and was so tired couldn't even get off the couch to go to bed. But I sure as hell could get off the couch to eat. So yesterday I fell off the diet wagon. I was hoping to regain control of my eating today, but no such luck. I've been abstinent since February 3rd. That was the longest I'd gone abstinent since 2011. I've decided to be gentle with myself for once, something else I learned in OA. I've decided that if I regain control of my eating by tomorrow I won't consider myself having lost my abstinence from binge eating. I don't know if that is cheating the whole "abstinence counting system". I don't really care. I gotta do what I gotta do to be free of this crazy binge eating that will end up killing me. If continuing to count my days of abstinence motivates me to get abstinent again that's what I'll do.