Friday, August 24, 2012

suffering and defeat in 2012

Last year was a great year. I maintained between 175-180 pounds all of 2011. I was abstinent from binge eating for a total of 16 months, qualified for the USAT national triathlon championships, completed an Ironman, and rekindled a relationship with my Dad whom I hadn't seen or heard from since 1988.

This year has been a painful one. In March of this year I fell of the wagon. I've gained 60 pounds and there's no sign of my binge eating or weight gain slowing down.

My Dad's girlfriend gave him the 3rd degree about having a relationship with me and my family so he's no longer calling and isn't returning my phone calls. He never responded to the birthday invitation my son sent him. I told my son lies to cover for my Dad, it seemed to make my son feel better, but it doesn't make me feel any better. He's done this to me my whole life, and now he's abandoning and hurting my kids too.

In July I cut my my Mom out of my life. She has borderline personality disorder, is a love addict, allows men into her life that is/was abusive to her child or grand-children, and is severely emotionally abusive. Although it's what's best for me and my family it is still painful. 2 parents out of my life within a couple months of each other. It hurts.......

I have a tremendous amount of guilt the way I ended things with my last sponsor. He was awesome and was there for me day and night. He deserved more.

I'm still meeting with my current sponsor, but I'm not working the steps or writing. I should be working the steps but it feels too painful, just too overwhelming. There's a lot of pain and junk I haven't dealt with that I have buried inside of me, bringing it to the surface now with all that's going on would be too much for me to handle.

I stopped going to church, reading the bible, and praying a couple of months ago.

Early in the year I registered for a triathlon, that race is next weekend. I am petrified of going. I haven't trained in a few months, but that wouldn't be a problem, I know I could gut check the race. I'm embarrassed, petrified of racing this weekend because of my weight. Everyone who knows me knows me as an in shape and fast guy. I'm everything BUT those things now. I don't want to show up, I'm afraid they'll say to each other, "what the hell happened to him?" I don't want that.

I haven't been this fat since 2006. My stomach is so big I can't get into the aero position on my bike, I'm too fat to fit into any of my workout gear, my rear end is so fat it looks like my ass swallowed the seat when I ride my bike, my body shakes and jiggles when I run like a big bowl of jello, so I've stopped training. This is the 1st time I've stopped swimming, biking, and running since 2004. Regardless how I was doing with my eating the one consistent in my life was training and triathlon racing. It kept a level of normality in my life. It kept me from becoming too self destructive. It kept me sane. Now that I'm no longer training I feel lost. I feel like I've given up on the one thing I was good at. Triathlon was more than a sport to me, it felt like a part of my personality. It made me feel normal, productive, dedicated and successful. Now I'm just a fat slob sitting around eating myself to death.

I'm hurting physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I've given up. I feel like only divine intervention could pull me out of the slump I'm in right now.

1 comment:

  1. Dude, I hear your pain. But go do the tri! Yes, you may be embarrassed, and those who don't know you might say stupid stuff, but you know what? You will be proud you did under such crappy circumstances and your kid(s) will be proud. You may inspire someone who needs it. I knew I would not finish my half IM last year and my weight was back up to about 390 and I could not wear my wetsuit or finish the bike, but I stepped up to the line and gave it my best. People were staring, but forget them, you and I deserve nothing less than going for it! You are about to come out the other side of all this. And the painful stuff? One small bite at a time, and it's okay to look away for a while. Email me if you want to chat.