Tuesday, August 20, 2013

in gods time

I've been binging consistently for a year and a half. In the last year and a half I've gained 90 pounds, I've stopped going to church, I've stopped going to meetings, I've stopped making phone calls to other overeaters for help, I've stopped reading the bible, I haven't ran or biked in over two years. I've been lazy. In between work shifts I just sit in my lazy boy chair eating, not working out. This isn't rock bottom, but its uncomfortable enough that I want to change. I've gone to two meetings this week. It felt great. Next what I need to do is find a sponsor and start working the steps with. I've tried 4 different sponsors. 3 of them I didn't make any progress with, but one of them I made GREAT gains with. I've been searching for another sponsor that has what I'm looking for. during this process of searching I'm getting fatter and more desperate. Then this morning an old OA friend was at the meeting and announced he's available for sponsoring. Shortly after than I saw this picture and it made me feel better. I know, I'm not searching for a love story, I'm searching for a sponsor, a relationship with god, and a healthy relationship with food. But it made me feel better anyways.

Monday, August 19, 2013

God and I

Somewhere around a year and a half to two years ago, back when I was on the wagon, I hit 9 months of abstinence from binge eating, I lost 120 pounds, and was at my dream weight. I realized now that one of the reasons I fell off the wagon was that my goals were all wrong. My main goals were that I wanted to hit my goal weight and rack up as many days of abstinence from binge eating as I could. I was willing to pray and develop a relationship with God if it meant accomplishing my goals. It should have been that my relationship with my god should have come in first in my list of priorities above and beyon days of abstinance, a dream weight, and being a fast triathlete. A couple days ago I started going to meetings, reading the bible, praying, and writing again.

I did a writing that asked, "write the similarities between your heavenly father and your earthly father". I was horrified by what I wrote. I wrote things like, "both are very harsh and quick to anger if I don't do what he wants."
  "They are quick to punish."
  "It's almost impossible to be the person they expect me to be." "It's better to be out of sight and out of mind than to be seen and be a disappointment."
   "And that I'm an annoyance to him when I need help or am struggling."

Somewhere in side of me I know that isn't who God really is. But I'm having a difficult time convincing myself that he loves me ALL the time. That he's kind and gentle. That he wants to there for me. He will be gentle in his dealings with me when I need to lean on him. God actually wants to be a part of my life, he has enough patience and time for me. He won't turn on me like mean dog when I start to feel comfortable in our relationship.

For some reason I don't trust god yet. I'm afraid of him. The problem is me, not him. But I don't know how to fix me.