do the work dummy

Today's the 4th day in a row working out and 3rd day without binge eating. I haven't been on a row like this in months!

I recently watched a movie called "everything must go" with Will Ferrel. It's a movie about an alcoholic who fell off the wagon and lost everything. It was a bad movie, but there was a part in the movie that will change my life forever. Will Ferrel is talking to another alcoholic who was sober. The other alcoholic told Will Ferrel that the reason he's been able to maintain his sobriety is because he does the work, goes to meetings. Up until I saw that movie I was confused about why I fell off the wagon. I try so hard to not binge eat, to the point where I'm obsessed thinking about it. I have a tremendous knowledge of nutrition and try so hard to aply it. I have a ton of knowledge about triathlon and am usually able to workout consistently. And most importantly I've been praying nonstop for abstinence from destructive overeating. I knew God would help me if I asked, but I couldn't figure out why I wasn't able to put it all together and why God wasn't stepping in and helping me. Now I know, I haven't been doing the work. When I'd struggle I'd go to meetings, meet with sponsors, and work the 12 step when I started to struggle, but once I was on a roll I'd stop. I treated the program like chemotherapy. Once the cancer (binge eating) went away I'd stop treatment. God will help me if I'm willing to help myself, but He wont do it without me doing my part. I'm going to a meeting in the morning, I've scheduled an apt with my sponsor and will start meeting with him once a week, I'm calling other OA members twice a day, and I'm working the 12 steps again. Now that I'm doing the work I should be able to be successful in my recovery.

9 months abstinant

Today I hit 9 months without binge eating.

Since September I've been meeting with my sponsor once a week & had started working the 12 steps again starting with step 1. I'm currently on step 4. The 1st time I worked step 4 my list of people I am upset with or have animosity towards was huge. Now that I'm closer to Christ and am living a more harmonious 12 step life my 4th step list was so small it surprised me! I'm currently praying twice a day for the people who I have any animosity or negative feelings towards. After only 4 days most of those negative feelings I had has dissipated and feelings of acceptance and compassion are building in it's wake. Living a life for Christ and continuously working the 12 step is making me a much better person. I believe I'm much easier to get along with & be around. I'm more forgiving with myself which in turn has made me more accepting and loving to everyone around me.

I'll be going to an OA meeting to get my 9 month chip Tuesday morning!!!!!!

a new sponsor!

I have been looking for a sponsor, but I was only willing to take on a sponsor who was a follower of Christ. I feel I need the spiritual guidance only another christian could help with. Last week I went to my 1st meeting in a couple months. I was nervous, there was no reason to be but I was. I had a great meeting, got tremendous support, as usual. While at that meeting I saw someone who I believed was a christian. After the meeting I asked what his spiritual beliefs were & he admitted to being a Southern baptist. I knew immediately God put him there that day for my next step of my recovery. I asked if he was open to being my sponsor & he agreed! I'm so excited for this opportunity to grow as a recovering food addict & christian!

focus on the positive

As I've been reflecting on the last few months I realized one of the reasons I hadn't gone to any OA meetings was I'd feel obligated to admit I hadn't found a new sponsor, I hadn't been working the 12 steps, & I hadn't been to any meetings. Although those things are true, it would be better for me to focus on the positive things in my life.
- I'm 110 pounds lighter than when I 1st realized I was a compulsive over eater
- I've maintained my weight for the 1st time in my life. So far I've been maintaining for over a month.
- I did the Sandia crest climb on my bicycle! I've tried that before but had never been successful.
- I've been abstinent for over 8 months. Before this stretch I've never made it before 2 3/4 months!
- I've continued to have a strong relationship with God.
- I'm training for an Ironman for the 4th time & am making gains like I've never seen before!

I'm only in charge of me

Last week I had posted on this blog that a few people in my OA group have been Jesus bashing. Their comments bothered me & they were a large reason I was no longer attending OA meetings. I believe God has spoken to me about that issue. I believe He told me that He doesn't need me to be His defender. If He wanted those people to change their view or change what they were saying He is completely capable of handling that Himself. My only job is to keep a strong relationship with Him, follow His word, & do my best to be the best example I can be because I may be the only bible someone ever reads. I cant control what people say, more importantly I shouldn't try. I need to focus on myself & my relationship with God. If someone else hates Jesus that's between them & God. It doesn't have anything to do with me & God wants me to stay out of it. The only thing I have the right to do is love others not because of who they are, but IN SPITE of who they are.

Recovery means healing & learning

Yesterday I talked to my Mom for the 1st time in a couple months. As usual, it didn't go well. First I was angry, then I felt like crying, & then for half an hour my eyes kept welling up with tears, & I thought to myself that eating would deaden those feelings, but I wasn't having a desire to binge. But that was just a thought, not a deep desire or need for food. I'd never had that happen before. I always either ignored the problem or I ate my feelings. This was progress. For the 1st time I felt feelings like a normal human being. For the first time I felt without needing to dump food into the emotion. This is progress. Sunday night I took my 3 babies to Hoots for a birthday party. I spent three entire hours chasing, jumping, & running with my babies. I had more fun than I can ever remember having. I couldn't have done that when I was 300 pounds. Recovery has not only helped me get in touch with my feelings, it's also helped me become a better father. Sunday night my 19 month old was teething. He was SO tired from a busy day of 2 church services, a lunch with another couple from church, & then the birthday party. But he was up until late last night teething & crying. I finally laid down on the couch with him on my chest & cuddled up under a blanket. He slept soundly the rest of the night. He was still in pain, but me holding & loving on him made him comforted enough to sleep through the pain. I enjoyed the bonding moment with him, & I realized that as much as I love my son & will always do everything I can to help relieve him of the pain he's going through, God loves me that much & more. And He's even more willing to help me through times that are painful or too much for me to bare on my own. All I have to do is ask God for help & He will. Just as I enjoyed helping my son in his time of need, God would find great fulfillment from helping me & having fellowship with me. Recovery isn't easy, but it heals physically, emotional, & spiritually. It can help better our relationships with our family, friends, co-workers, God, & even ourselves. I'm so happy. Thank you Jesus.

3 months at last!

I made 3 months of abstinence from compulsive overeating! The night before I hit 3 months was brutal! I was obsessing over food, & had a desperate need to binge eat. I made a couple outreach phone calls, read a few blogs on compulsive overeating, & prayed, & that got me through the night. I'd like to give a big thanks to Charlie who I only knew from his blog, I called him & that made a huge difference in my desire to binge.

The next day, thanks to the good Lord I felt better. I got my 3 month chip at my OA meeting. That felt so wonderful.

Anyways, I need to head out on my bike ride before the kids wake up so I'm singing off for now. Thanks everyone!

3 weeks ago I started reading a book called "understanding the borderline mother." It explains my mother perfectly, I've realized she has borderline personality disorder. On one hand the book was very healing because I was able to realize that my mother's actions & treatment of me wasn't my fault. I also realized her actions aren't because she's mean or evil, it's because she's sick. It was good for me to learn about her problem & to learn some of how to deal with her, but on the other hand it stated clearly in the book that there's no cure for her borderline personality. She will be that way forever.

Recently my wife & I had started going to counseling to try & fix some of the problems between my Mother & us. No matter what my wife or I said my mother twisted what we said or lied about what was said. Unfortunately I learned counseling was futile. There's no fixing her & there's no changing her. I have a choice to make, I can either except her for who she is & what she does or I can cut her out of my life. I'd prefer a life without her, but my wife & church councilor is saying I should keep a relationship with her & just try my best to avoid giving her ammunition to use against me when she gets angry & tries to slander my wife & I, which is what she always does anytime anyone disagrees with her no matter how small the issue it is. In her mind a person is either all for her or against her & she plays dirty when she goes to war against someone.

The good news is now I know & understand her, the bad news is that since I started reading this book I stopped pretty much all my eating recovery. I hadn't gone to an OA meeting in 3 weeks. I haven't worked on any of the 12 steps or done any writings in 3 weeks. & I haven't been able to get a hold of my sponsor, but only half of those missed phone calls were my fault.

Somehow I have been able to stay abstinent & not fall back into a pattern of destructive eating. I believe most of that was because I kept a decent relationship with Christ. Also because I have a very strong food plan that I got into the habit of doing without fail.

This last weekend my wife & I went to Pagosa Springs Colorado for the weekend. That was the 1st time we were able to get away without our kids in over 4 years. Usually being away from home, work, etc will throw me into binge eating. Celebration is also a huge trigger for me, this weekend was both. But I was able to continue my abstinence. I'm now 2 weeks away from hitting 3 months abstinence. I've never hit 3 months before.

I will start working the 12 steps & writings again tonight. Thank God that God is with me, other wise this would have been a horrible 3 weeks of binging & weight gain.

cycling towards recovery

Today our church had communion. As we were leaving I saw there was a lot of flat bread left that hadn't been given out to the church body. I was obsessing about the bread. I kept thinking of how it was probably going to be thrown away, wasted. I was dreaming about all the options there were if I was able to have the flat bread (eat it eat it eat it!). I could put in in queso, if it was stale I could dip it in salsa like chips, I could pop em while driving like little fun bite sized pieces of stress relief, ..... There's no doubt in my mind I'm a food addict. Who else would obsess about old used bread that's been broken to pieces.

I'm usually so busy on Sunday mornings getting our kids ready for church that I can't attend OA meetings. Today I went to my 1st Sunday morning meeting. I was amazed & awed by the meeting this morning. I read out of an OA book, page 128. It said something about a person driving & eating & they crashed their car. I used to struggle with my eating when driving to & from work. I couldn't refrain from stopping for food even though I left the house having just ate & I always brought enough food for work. So 5 years ago I started riding my bicycle to & from work. No matter what the weather is I ride my bike. Last week I rode to work in the middle of a snow storm that had dropped a foot of snow. 2 days ago the wind chill was negative 6 degrees. Any uncomfort or problems from the weather is nothing compared to the pain of being in the midst of a binge. I realized driving to & from work was a problem so I found an alternative. Up until now I never told anyone why I comute on a bike. I felt if I told anyone I commute on my bike to avoid binge eating regardless of how extreme or crazy the weather is it would make me sound like some kind of crazy nut job. Now that I'm going to OA meetings I realize I'm not crazy, it was one of the 1st times in my life I was admitting I was powerless over food & commuting to work is a tool I'm using to bring myself & my eating back to a state of sanity.

Thanks for tuning in & thank you for helping my in my recovery from a life of binge eating....