Yesterday I completed 9 days of abstinence & completed an 82 minute bicycle ride! It feels so good to be able to say I've hit over a week of abstinence! It's rare for me to have hit a full week of abstinence from compulsive binge eating.
Last night I received a call from someone who is in their 2nd week of going to overeaters anonymous meetings. I now know why service is one of the tools of recovery. We talked almost exclusively about his recovery, but by the time we got off the phone I felt like I was the one who had become closer to abstinence. He was telling me how he feels hope for the 1st time in his life. And he told me about his new plan for recovery. We talked last night for an 1 hour 20 minutes, after the call I felt closer to God & farther along in my recovery than I have ever felt. I felt strong & refreshed. Mostly I just listened to his excitement about his recovery from a life of overeating, & that in turn made me excited about both of our recovery.
I gave him two pieces of advise last night. One was not to confuse success or failure on a diet with recovery. I have failed following my plan for weight loss but was still able to follow my diet plan for recovery. A diet & recovery are different & shouldn't be confused as the same thing.
He told me one of the tools he was going to implement was to bring his lunch to work to avoid temptations at restaurants. The other advise I gave him was that if he was going out to eat he should figure out what & how much he was going to eat for appetizers, main entrée, & dessert before he got there. That way he didn't have to worry about opening up the menu & seeing all those temptations & trigger foods. Early in my recovery I'd arrive at a restaurant with a VAGUE idea of what I should eat, but once I opened my menu I fell apart. Either I'd see something I knew I should never eat & I ordered it anyway which caused me to to relapse into compulsive binge eating. Or I'd order something that was on my list of foods I could safely eat, but ended up eating too much of it, & eating to much at one meal is one of things that can trigger a binge for me. Adjusting my meal plan at a restaurant even a little bit was often times the 1st step to unraveling my entire recovery. So I suggested he know what he was going to order so that he never even has to open his menu. & also how much he was going to eat before he got there. I've found asking for a to-go box to be brought out at the same time as my meal has helped me stay true to this.
I'm excited about receiving more out reach & crisis calls. I felt amazing afterwards. I suspect I'll be making more than a few outreach phone calls myself the next couple days. 2 of my biggest triggers in my life present will be present:
1) celebration: I relapse most frequently because of celebrating! I'm happy & feel good, so food makes me feel even better.
2) My Mom: She is the biggest trigger in my life. I try & avoid contact with her as much as possible. She's an unhealthy person who is an expert at making me feel unhealthy & unhappy also. She seems to find absolute delight in ignoring & crashing through any boundaries I put up to make myself feel safe around her. Anytime she doesn't like the way anything is going she claims to be a victim & makes others look like abusers when it is all to often the other way around. She's a control freak & I feel unsafe around her, which sends me diving head first into the nearest food. I find comfort, security, peace, & unconditional acceptance from food, which are things I've never felt from her. The only way I'll be able to stay abstinent this weekend is by grace! In the past I've tried every single thing on my own that I possibly could to stay on the wagon when I'm around her & nothing has ever worked. I'm not strong enough to handle her on my own. God knows this & He is willing to help. God loves me where I'm at, but "He" loves me too muchto leave me there. He'll help me if I simply throw myself at His feet. I must try to remember that food doesn't make me ok. Eating doesn't make me safe or secure. I'm not dealing with things when I eat, I'm sedating myself & my feelings. There's no problem that cannot become a crisis and no crisis that cannotbecome a disaster -- if I eat to try to escape it. Only God can turn a messinto a message, so I need to keep my focus on Him this weekend.
I will be at my most vulnerable to my disease this Christmas weekend & I ask for your prayers from you out in blog land.
Dear Jesus give me strength!
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