Tuesday, December 21, 2010

a heart breaking transition

Although I've been abstinent for awhile, I'm not losing weight. Mostly, I'm ok with that. My concentration right now should be on my recovery, not worldly things like looking like a triathlete should & wanting to be physically attractive. I'm well into my recovery (for me at least). I'm making outreach phone calls, I'm working the 12 steps, I'm calling my sponsor regularly, & most important is I'm praying & turning to Christ. Like I had said in a post last week I've gained a lot of weight & have grown out of most of my clothes. I'm having to go out & buy new XX-large shirts, larger pants, & larger under wear. I think I could handle my habitual weight gains & losses much better if I had bigger & smaller clothes available to grab & wear without having to go buy more. Up until now I'd get so excited when I lost weight & was on a roll I'd throw out my fat clothes, I was so sure I had made a LIFE LONG life style change. When I gained a bunch of weight I'd be so upset I'd end up throwing out all my skinny jeans because I was convinced I was a failure & I'd never be thin or attractive again. I've realized some of the things that is so upsetting to me when I gain weight is wearing my clothes that no longer fit until they are so tight it's intolerable, & having to resign myself to go buy more fat clothes for this new fatter & miserable person I had become. I'm almost certain if I had clothes on hand that I could simply pull out & wear, the transition would be so much less heart breaking & disturbing to me. So from here on out I promise myself I will no longer throw out any clothes that no longer fit. I'll keep all the clothes I get to big or to small for & have them available for me to grab without a ton of hassle & misery. I also am promising I'll be gentle with myself. If I gain or lose a ton of weight I'll do my best to turn it over to my Lord Jesus Christ & I won't dwell on the weight & beat myself up. I'll try my best to remember that my eating disorder isn't a moral issue. I'll try & remember when I binge I'm not a bad person.


  1. I have been reading your recent posts and I want to encourage you to stay with your plan. Your are blessed and are blessing others like me with your story and your experience.

    It's unfortunate that you are experiencing the ups and downs of weight gain/loss. But it just shows that you are human and I admire that you don't give up on yourself.

  2. You have to remember that this is a fight. There will be ups and downs, but like you said so yourself, you have to focus on the recovery. What would be the point of losing weight but you never overcame your binge eating ?

    You're doing well. Keep up the good work ! :)


  3. I completely understand this. As someone who has frequent, substantial weight fluctuations, it always bothered me when people would say that once you lose weight, holding onto your bigger clothes is akin to giving yourself permission to get fat again. I never agreed with that; it smacks of the very same superior, all-or-nothing kind of thinking that I have been trying to let go of in my life.

    Clothing is by far one of the biggest contributors to me feeling bad OR good about myself. It's really astonishing how terrible something too tight can make you feel. Good for you for for your abstinence, are you doing #7daychip on Twitter? It's been a great community, check it out!