Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Addictions are progressive by nature

I haven't posted on my blog in a long time. I didn't stop posting because I'm cured of my binge eating. Quite the opposite really.

In July I was approaching three months abstinence from destructive eating when BAM! I fell off the wagon. I stopped posting from humiliation & embarrassment. Like most addicts, when I get overwhelmed by my disease I hide, become a hermit & cut off as much contact with the world as I can. I didn't want people to see me for what I was becoming yet again.

There's never been any doubt in my mind I'm a compulsive overeater. No one could binge eat like I do & have any doubt. Within 6 weeks from the day I fell off the wagon in late July I had gained 40 pounds. That averages to 6 pounds a week. Wow, that's even hard for me to believe. But the scale doesn't lie. As a matter of a fact the scale is brutally honest. I hate my scale.

This year I trained for triathlons like I had never trained before! I was on top of my diet more than I ever have been able to do before. All year I was impressing everyone who knew me. Everyone who had always known me as a big IE fat triathlete of average speed was amazed with my transformation. I was getting faster & thinner every week & each race the results were even more amazing. From February of 2010 to July 2010 I placed top 10 overall at triathlons multiple times & top 5 overall in 3!

In September I was scheduled for my last A race of the year. By then I had gained a ton of weight, but I was still fast. I knew even though I was weighing in the mid 220's I would tear that course up! The night before the race I put on my racing uniform & saw myself in the mirror. Not a pretty sight. I had more than an ample belly & a massive butt! They both jiggled like a bowl full of Jell-O just from walking. What would it look like when I ran? I knew what it would look like, & I wasn't willing to humiliate myself like that regardless of how many hours I had trained for that race. That night I unpacked my race bags, took my bike off my roof rack, & sedated my feelings with massive amounts of food. I wanted to race so bad. I deserved to race. But how could I show up to a race that all my friends were at with me looking like that? Having those same people there who had been amazed by my weight loss, then to see me put on a years worth of weight loss on in a little over a month was more than I could tolerate.I had been triathlon training daily since 2004. It was helping me fight my obesity & minimize my overeating behaviors. This was the 1st time in 6 years I had stopped training. Why did I stop? Humiliation. I was embarrassed my neighbors, friends, family, or co-workers would see me jiggling & shaking as I ran. Remember the dance Chunk was forced to do on 1980's hit movie The Goonies? Ya that would be me, only worse. I wasn't willing to bike either because my butt was so big no one could see my bike seat, it looked like my ass swallowed it.

Since then my weight gain has slowed down slightly, but I'm still gaining. I'm about 235 now. My size regular work pants don't fit anymore & I can barely move in my size X-large. Tomorrow I am going to a specialty store to buy a pair of XX-large pants. I have to get them from a specialty store because there aren't many in law enforcement officers that get as fat as I am right now.

I'm hoping this is my rock bottom. I'm hoping everything will get better from here. I tried to motivate myself by buying a slot to an out of state 70.3 that is scheduled for April 2011 & an out of state Ironman scheduled for November 2011. I chose races that are at least a 12 hour drive from my home because one of my 2 greatest fears is being seen in my current state of obesity by anyone I know or love. I'm far enough into my disease right now that I'll only leave the house for work, to pick up my daughter from school, & for church. I won't even go to the grocery store for fear of being seen in my new Jabba the Hutt physique. -BTW my biggest fear is that I continue to progress in my disease to the point where I'm living a life of total isolation, wearing a moomoo, & have a dozen cat's as my only friends who's only mistake was getting caught in my massive gravitational pull- anyway, back to my triathlon training for my upcoming races. I'm in my 5th week of working out. Do to my embarrassment I will only ride my bike on my indoor trainer, & I'll only run on an isolated dirt trail not far from my house- but dang it I'm training again!

So this is my story thus far. I'm hoping this is the part of my story that I start my recovery from my compulsive overeating, where I start a long & continuous career in triathlon, & that my Lord Jesus Christ hears my pleas for help & saves me from sinking any further into my addiction.I'll be posting regularly from here on out. It'll help me stay accountable & dedicated. Perhaps me posting my story of attempting recovery will help someone else with the same problem. Or perhaps it'll help others who don't have an eating problem understand. I thank you for tuning in, without knowing it you are instrumental in my recovery.


  1. Life is full of ups and downs. I'm really glad you've decided to take back control of your life. It's unfortunate that emotions took over when you were on the right path, but it happens to us all. We all fall; just make sure you pick yourself back up again.


  2. Great to read your blog, and I'm glad you discovered mine. You are not alone. And yes, God loves you and Jesus is with you. Remember what Christmas is all about... Emmanuel, God WITH us...

    I want to encourage you to surrender. Don't try to take control of anything. You're powerless. We all are. Surrender that reality to God, and pray for willingness to follow a program of recovery. For me, the OA-HOW program really, really works. I'm so grateful to have found it.

    Keep in touch!

  3. Wow. I read your comment on my blog and came to see yours. Such pain . And absolutely so familiar. Keep posting. I read a few of your old posts and I encourage you to go back to whatever to support that side of your life. I am going to a new meeting at Oa and just talked tuesday night absout how the disase is progressive. I may not binge exactly the way I did 20 years ago, but when I am in food addict frame of mind and in my binge frame of mind it is much worse. Because I know better . I know what I need to do. I know I'm avoiding people and feelings. I know I have a choice in that moment and I took the wrong choice. Why? I see a therapist weekly and it helps me tremendously. We do an exercise to try to calm that injured part of me that thinks food is the answer. Essentially, it is to imagine taking that part of me ( I see it as a child me since that is when all this food addiction started) to a safe place and let that child know that I, the adult, am in charge and taking care of things. Sunday night we were supposed to go to church ..desserts / hot cocoa involved. I did that exercise, pulled myself together and said won't do that. Better not to go and to just feel strong about that. That little kid / food addict me-kicked and pouted just a little bit and then relaxed. Because I had been obese for so long I forgot how good it feels to move and dance and feel strong. You have all that excellent training and experience in using your body to the max in ways that many people can't. Keep that in mind keep that as a are on the right path.

  4. Mr Edinburgh & Mrs Geek, thank you from the bottom of my heart for those heart felt comments. It's sound advise. I know it's true. I will do my best to follow your advise. I kmow all those things are the only way I can become sane.