Monday, July 22, 2013

CrossFit and binge eating

I could very well be the only athlete in the world who became fatter doing CrossFit. In the last 3 months I've gained 40 pounds- obviously I'm binging again. I'm up to 267 pounds. I haven't worked out at all in 3 weeks- my 3 year old has been in the hospital with pneumonia. I've spent the last three weeks contemplating quitting CrossFit. Everyone at my CrossFit box sees me working out hard and still gaining weight. I'm embarrassed. I'm the heaviest person there by at least 50 pounds and still getting heavier.

Today I showed up fully expecting this would be my last CrossFit workout ever, but when I showed up all the people I've worked out with at my CrossFit box were genuinely excited to see me, and I realized I missed them a lot too. CrossFit is more than a gym. We're people who are doing the workouts together day in and day out, supporting each other, suffering, sweating, and getting better together. The people there are more like a family.

Even after not working out for three weeks I still set a personal best back squat of 285 pounds. I finished the workout of the day in last place even though I was using the weight the girls were using. No surprise there, I usually finish in last place. Before I had a chance to feel bad about myself all the members of Zia CrossFit clapped and said wonderfully supportive things to me. I left feeling good about myself. That always ends up happening. My fellow CrossFit'ers make me feel good about myself and good about my effort. They don't know I'm a compulsive binge eater, but I don't think they'd care. I'm the fattest person there, but it doesn't seem to matter to them. I'm the only person there who is overweight and not losing weight- but they don't seem to care about that either. They are the most supportive people I've ever met. They accept me exactly as I am. They've always known me as a fat dude, but they have no expectations of me to lose weight. They don't know me as the athlete I used to be. They don't have the high expectations for me that I do for myself. They don't see me as the failure that I see myself as when I look at myself in the mirror. They are fully accepting of me. They don't see me as a failure because I keep showing up.Why would I want to leave a place that makes me feel so good about myself? Why would I want to give up something that makes me healthier and is countering much of the damage I'm doing to myself when I binge?

1 comment:

  1. Stay with it, and don't think about leaving the group. We all need a support system. Just remember the more muscle you build the more calories you will burn on a daily basis. So, gain some weight now, and burn the fat latter. And start going with how you feel not what is on the scale.