goal weight

Many ages ago my 1st sponsor told me I needed to decide what my ultimate goal weight is. After 2 years I have finally decided what my goal weight will be: 177 pounds! I'll start trying to drop more weight after I complete Ironman Arizona in November. Right now I weigh aproximately 182.

The big book

Last night I was reading the big book (alcoholics anonymous). It's an amazing book. It sure seemed to me that God had His hand in writing it. Last night I read something from page 33 that was written for me in particular:

Most of us have believed if we remained abstinent for a long stretch, we could there after eat normally....once a compulsive over eater always a compulsive over eater. If we are planning to stop destructive eating, there must be no lurking notion that someday we will be immune to food.

I've learned on multiple occasions that when I stop thinking I have a problem my compulsive binge eating comes back with a vengeance. I have to realize I'll never be a normal eater. I have to continue working the program & keeping in mind that I am & always will have an addiction. I need t take steps daily such as following a food plan, avoiding trigger foods, never eating at buffets, and praying so that I can stay abstinent or I will relapse!

a new sponsor!

I have been looking for a sponsor, but I was only willing to take on a sponsor who was a follower of Christ. I feel I need the spiritual guidance only another christian could help with. Last week I went to my 1st meeting in a couple months. I was nervous, there was no reason to be but I was. I had a great meeting, got tremendous support, as usual. While at that meeting I saw someone who I believed was a christian. After the meeting I asked what his spiritual beliefs were & he admitted to being a Southern baptist. I knew immediately God put him there that day for my next step of my recovery. I asked if he was open to being my sponsor & he agreed! I'm so excited for this opportunity to grow as a recovering food addict & christian!

Just for today

I will be agreeable, will look as well as I can, dress becomingly, talk low, act courteously, criticise not one bit, not find fault with anything and not try to improve or regulate anybody except myself.

I will have a program - I may not be able to follow it exactly, but I will have it. I will save myself from two pests: hurry and indecision.

focus on the positive

As I've been reflecting on the last few months I realized one of the reasons I hadn't gone to any OA meetings was I'd feel obligated to admit I hadn't found a new sponsor, I hadn't been working the 12 steps, & I hadn't been to any meetings. Although those things are true, it would be better for me to focus on the positive things in my life.
- I'm 110 pounds lighter than when I 1st realized I was a compulsive over eater
- I've maintained my weight for the 1st time in my life. So far I've been maintaining for over a month.
- I did the Sandia crest climb on my bicycle! I've tried that before but had never been successful.
- I've been abstinent for over 8 months. Before this stretch I've never made it before 2 3/4 months!
- I've continued to have a strong relationship with God.
- I'm training for an Ironman for the 4th time & am making gains like I've never seen before!

I'm only in charge of me

Last week I had posted on this blog that a few people in my OA group have been Jesus bashing. Their comments bothered me & they were a large reason I was no longer attending OA meetings. I believe God has spoken to me about that issue. I believe He told me that He doesn't need me to be His defender. If He wanted those people to change their view or change what they were saying He is completely capable of handling that Himself. My only job is to keep a strong relationship with Him, follow His word, & do my best to be the best example I can be because I may be the only bible someone ever reads. I cant control what people say, more importantly I shouldn't try. I need to focus on myself & my relationship with God. If someone else hates Jesus that's between them & God. It doesn't have anything to do with me & God wants me to stay out of it. The only thing I have the right to do is love others not because of who they are, but IN SPITE of who they are.

relapse imminent

After almost 3 months of not going to any OA meetings I've come very close to falling off the wagon & ruining my 8 months of abstinence. The last 3 days I've ate a little more calories than I had planned on my food log each day. A few meals I've changed at the last minute & ate something completely different than I'd planned. I'm perilously close to falling off the wagon. Yesterday I didn't eat the lunch I'd planned, instead I ate some take out my wife had been saving. Her feelings were hurt that I ate something she had been saving & asked me not to eat. Unfortunately she's seen me like this many times before. It's not pretty. I don't make moral or honest decisions when I relapse.

I seem to fall off the wagon around 3 months before any of my big priority triathlons, & I have Ironman Arizona in 13 weeks. I cant count the times I've fallen off the wagon & gained 50-70 pounds before a big race. Happens every time!

I haven't worked out 2 days in a row, I've not followed my food plan 3 days in a row. My working out & eating are conected somehow. When I fall off the wagon with my food I stop working out. If I take too many days off from triathlon training I fall off the wagon with my eating.

I went to an OA meeting yesterday & found a long time OA member who is a christian & I asked him to be my sponsor. He gave me my 1st assignment. I got up to step 7 with my last sponsor a little less than a year ago so my new sponsor's having me read from the big book up to step 4. We're fast forwarding to step 4 because he knows I have a strong relationship with Jesus.

on my way

Yesterday we celebrated my middle child's birthday. My mother and father who have been divorced since I was 2 years old were both at the party. This was the 1st time they were together at a function for my children. I was stressed. Before my kids were born if something bad happened between them I could handle it because I'd dealt with them squabbling my whole life, I was used to it. But it was different yesterday. I want more than that for my babies. Some how, some way everything turned out ok & my sons birthday party was a success. The 1 big mistake of the day was I worried about it rather than praying & asking God for help. I should have put it on His shoulders, He's strong enough to handle those kinds of things, I'm not.

All the worry & stress I was going through triggered me & I overate on pizza. I went about 1000 calories over what I had on my food plan. I believe God had me come so close to falling off the wagon last night to motivate me to go back to OA meetings. After I write this I'll be on my way to my 1st OA meeting in 8 months. I'll be picking up my 8 month chip. That will be exciting!

is it them or my addiction that's the problem?

To give those who follow my blog an update, I still haven't found a sponsor, & to top it off I've stopped going to meetings. The last few times I've gone to the meetings there has been comments from people that was down right Jesus bashing. I understand not everyone believes as I do. I try to be sensitive to others & their beliefs, but there seems to be a real anti-Jesus sentiment here in Santa Fe. The 1st couple times I heard those comments in OA meetings I tried to just ignore them & stay strong in my faith & abstinence. The last comment I heard that was the proverbial straw was, "I'm tired of getting a face full of Jesus."

It was more than I could take, so I left the meeting and haven't been back. I've stayed strong in my recovery without the meetings & a sponsor, I'll hit 8 months abstinence this week & I've maintained my weight for the 1st time in my adult life! I went through a 3 month stretch where my staying strong with my recovery was easy. It was like breathing, I could do it without thinking. But I'm struggling more & more. I'm finding myself obsessing about food again. I'll eat a little more at meals than my food plan allowed, I'd then try to make up for it by eating less the next day to make up for the extra calories I'd ate the day before. I seem to be going up & down in my eating & my food obsessions. I'm afraid I'm perilously close to going back to my days of food insanity. Binge, diet, binge diet. Sometimes the pattern would flop back to the high or low in 3 month intervals, sometimes withing hours.... Gaining 50 pounds in 2 months, taking 6 months to lose it.... I don't want that life again, but I'll always be an addict. I'll always struggle, I'm afraid I'll always be in pain. It's painful to see others eat my trigger foods in moderation & see them enjoy it & not use it to destroy themselves like I end up doing. I wish I could eat, enjoy it and move on... I can't. If I eat it I become an addict in the worst possible way. I binge eat to the point where I over load my kidneys. I'm getting closer to that person lost in my addiction since I am not aggressively pursuing my recovery. I now to do some real self inventory very soon or I'll end up relapsing: Am I staying away from meetings because they are insulting my God or is it my addiction being cunning & forcing me back into isolation? Is it them or my addiction that's the problem?

Thanks for listening. I wont take as long to post again. scouts honor...