Wednesday, January 12, 2011

it works if you work it

Last Saturday I'd mentioned I was struggling writing out my character defects & flaws (step 6). I didn't know exactly what it was that I was afraid of, I knew whatever it was I was trying to avoid was a big part of who I am & it frightened the heck out of me!
I finally got over the writers block I had by getting onto a role playing game web page that had an endless amount of character flaws & defects listed. There were a ton of personal flaws that screamed my name all over it. I then had a personal break through. As I was copying down the character flaws that matched who I was I started to see a pattern. aha moment #1. The majority of my character flaws were the same as my Moms & ex-step Dads (for ease of writing the remainder of this post I'll refer to them both as my parents even though my ex-step Dad isn't in my life any longer). My greatest fear is that I'd end up being just like them, & I am, in enough ways that I started freaking out. So this is what I was afraid of the other night when I had writers block!

Aha moment #2. Once I realized that I was so much like my parents, I was thankful that I have what I call "good child syndrome". Since I had a Mom who was a narcissist, I learned the only way I could get her to focus on anything other than herself was to be the best son imaginable. By doing things that were above & beyond what most children were willing to do to make others happy I was able to force her to focus on me, at least temporarily.

Shortly after I realized I am just like my parents I had aha moment #3! I feel like as long as I am able to continue to be the "good child" in all relationships & aspects of my life then I'm able to feel like I'm not at all like my parents. & that's when a big truth hit me, aha moment #4! Anytime I start to feel any of my personal defects that's similar to my parents start to bubble up, I become uncomfortable, so I self medicate with food. Once I get a good food buzz going the traits that were similar to my parents go away & I'm left feeling good about myself again while simultaneously hating myself because I am binge eating & am unable to control myself.

So, every time the person I am deep inside pops up, I eat to send him away. The only way I can control myself is by losing control of myself. The only way I can like myself is to hate myself. The only way I can be myself is by not being myself. Dang, no wonder I'm an addict.

Aha moment #5. If I eat to send who I am away, then I am a fraud. Not only do I not know who I am beneath this shallow exterior, but neither does my friends, my wife, or even my own precious children.

Aha moment #6. As I continue my abstinence I'll be allowing this person who I've been hiding to come out. I'm hoping & praying that person & the good child I've always forced myself to be will combine into someone who is honest with myself & others, who isn't an addict, and who others & I like. Gulp.

I'm getting close to hitting a month of abstinence for only the 3rd time in my life!

I now understand why the 12 steps is so effective at helping people to find abstinence. The emotional & spiritual growth & healing I've gone through recently is truly amazing; a gift straight from God. The progress I've made hasn't been easy, at times it's even been painful. But it's worth it. I'm worth it.


  1. Great post! Very excited for you and your breakthrough.

  2. 30 days! Dude - AWESOME! And all kinds of revelation on top of that! What a great month!

    Thanks so much for the info on cycling, I definately would never have though of that! I haven't owned a bike in a long time because riding it had always bothered my knees and made them ache, but maybe with my added activity it might be a good time to look into it again. :)