Monday, November 12, 2012

the cycle of self abusive binge eating

I miss my Dad and that has me felling depressed. I'm grateful my Mom and I are no longer a part of each others lives, my only regret is that it took me this long to get her out of my life.....and that makes me feel like crap.

I hate this time of year. It's all about families and food. My family is dysfunctional. My relationship with food is dysfunctional. I'm feeling down in the dumps, so I did what I always do when I'm upset. I ate. $58 worth of crap from Walmart. Oatmeal cream pies, swiss rolls, chocolate ice cream, a pecan pie, corn dogs, a turkey pot pie, burritos, nutty bars, milk, and coffee. Eating doesn't make me feel better, but it numbs the pain. Thankfully my drug of choice is food. My drug is cheap, easily accessible, no matter how hard I try I cant over dose, and it takes a lot longer to kill myself this way......

When I was a kid my step dad used to beat my Mom. After the beating they'd get along great for awhile, kind of like a honeymoon phase. Then tensions would start to build until he'd grab her by the throat and pound on her for awhile. Then they'd love each other again and life would be great for awhile. Cycle repeats.....

I think I do the same thing to myself with food that my step dad used to do to my Mom. When I binge eat it's an unhealthy and abusive release of stress. Then I diet and it's a honeymoon phase. I feel like there's hope, I'm happy, healthy, and I'm looking froward to what I can accomplish now that I got all the binging out of me. I honestly feel it wont happen again. Then something stresses me out and I binge again. The cycle repeats.....

7 comments:

  1. i so relate to this post and i am sending you a hug through cyber space! this is a terrible disease - it is so sneaky and it will kill us like any other addiction left to do its havoc. The only medicine that works for me is to get to a meeting asap and take a huge honest look ask for help and recommit. it gets harder with each relapse to do this and each binge brings more misery till i do. thats all i got and that im thinking of you and sending hugs! Take good care of yourself today.

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  6. Great blog! Very nicely explained about the cycle of self abusive binge eating. Thanks for the info.

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  7. When I feel I am eating more than I should, I just start visiting gym more often. After tough workout I never want to eat. In order to have enough energy for regular workouts I am taking Super Army formula by Military Grade. It gives me tone and strength like nothing else. I am able to workout as much as I want and keep great shape.

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