Friday, February 4, 2011

turns for the worse

Things were on an all time high for awhile. When things are great they are fantastic, but when it's not everything sure turns bad quickly.

On Tuesday I got a text message from my mother saying she doubted she could work through the problems she has with my wife since there is more than one issue. She said if there was only one problem she could see hope, but since there's more than one she doubts they can. This was the 6th time she said this to me in a couple weeks. She then asked if she could call & talk to me. I responded saying she could as long as it was about her & I. I said that because she gossips & slanders A LOT! Many times word has come to me about some horrible lies she has said about my wife & myself. A week earlier I had asked her to promise me that she wouldn't talk negatively about my wife & I to mutual friends and our family anymore. She promised me she wouldn't. By telling her I was only willing to talk about her & I, all I was doing was reminding her of that promise. She responded with the following text. I copy & pasted it so it is exactly what she wrote.

"Dont misinterpret what i said. i said this whole situation has me feeling steamrolled aka overwhelmed. i thought Dr reinhart encourages everyone to express how they feel. didn't realize that is 4 everyone but me. u just minimized my feelings and made me feel really unimportant".

All I did was remind her not to gossip & slander & I got that kind of a nasty message? She is selfish & hurtful.

I could go on & on about why that exchange elicited a defensive response in me. But what it boils down to is since I was a kid she has made me feel like I'm not allowed to have any opinions or feelings of my own. On the rare times I have expressed my opinion she has attacked me & has gone out of her way to make me feel like I'm some kind of abuser & she is a victim. The other reason I felt hurt by her response is that growing up I was not allowed to make or set boundaries to keep myself safe. Anytime I have ever tried to make a boundary, such as not slandering me to someone, she has challenged me & become verbally & physically aggressive so that she could make me feel like I did something wrong. If that didn't make me be submissive to her then she'd make it seem like I'm an evil person & that she's a victim who is being abused by me. A prime example of this was when I was growing up she'd tell me all sorts of horrible things about my natural father in hopes of making me turn against him. When I was in 2nd grade she told me my Dad cheated on her & that he said he never wanted to be a father. She also said that she left my father because he wore women's under wear & she feared what a man who did that would do to her son. What kind of a person says things that that to a 2nd grader?

When I was in middle school she told me he used to be a part of circle jerks. I didn't know what that meant so she told me it's where a bunch of men make a circle and masturbate together. Highly inappropriate to tell anyone about their father, but I feel it was especially abusive to tell a boy that young.

Last month I asked her not to tell me bad things about my Dad anymore, & if there was ever something she felt she had to tell me about him that she should ask me if she could first. She completely ignored my request & told me that I'm a child from rape. She then told me her Mom & Dad didn't care & forced her to marry him. Who the heck would ever say stuff like that? What about my feelings?

Then on Friday I talked to my sponsor. She told me she felt I was rushing through the steps & that my writing were shallow & lacked depth. Ouch. That hurt. In my mind I wasn't trying to rush through them, I was motivated to work the steps as best as I could. If my writings seemed shallow then I'm not sure what I can do differently because what I wrote was the best I had. If my writings are the best I can do but aren't good enough then in my mind there's no point in continuing.

I'm feeling overwhelmed, hurt deeply, & lost. I know have no idea what to do. It's Gods grace alone that is keeping me abstinent because if I had the smallest craving in my current state of weakness I'd fall apart. I thank the Lord Jesus Christ for stepping in on my behalf & shouldering my desire to binge.

There is good news. I've also lost all my feelings of burnout with triathlon training! I've gone over 3 weeks without missing a single workout & I've figured out what my race schedule will be for the entire year. I'll be competing in 9 sprint distance triathlons, one half Ironman triathlon, & one full distance triathlon. & Since December I've lost 20 pounds. I'm now 30 pounds from my ultimate dream weight. Again, I've been successful because of Gods grave & love because I've tried my entire adult life to overcome my binge eating unsuccessfully. It wasn't until I turned it over to Jesus that I've been able to feel like I have some ability to have a normal life.

If any of you are willing to pray for me right now I'd sure be grateful.

Thank you. By reading this I feel like I'm able share about this dark & lonely disease I have of compulsive overeating, & because of that I feel less alone & misunderstood. You are helping in my recovery, & for that I can never tell you how grateful I am.


  1. This started so sadly :( but ended on a good note :). It reminds of the Psalms of David. He would usually start by crying and pouring out his troubles. At the end though, he would come to see God as his shield and would thank him for always being there for him.

    The things your Mom shares with you are totally inappropriate and I applaud you for standing up to her, for having boundaries and standing strong on them. You can't forgo your sanity and your family's well being for the sake of one person who clearly has issues of her own. Don't let your Mom transfer her unhappiness and disappointments unto you. I'm glad you're building a life of your own where there's recovery.

    Take care.

  2. Sometimes we get addicted to the drama. Sounds like your mom might be in that place, but don't let her drag you in there with her. You should be very proud of your recovery and your impressive triathlon schedule! Two sprints and one half marathon last year was enough for me.

  3. Good job on standing up to your mom's manipulation tactics! Protecting yourself & your family from that kind of verbal abuse & emotional manipulation is so much more inportant that feeding her need to be validated. Bounderies are every person's right, & disrespect for someone's bounderies is so very damaging no matter what age you are. Everyone has a right to protect themselves & feel safe. My heart goes out to you for dealing with such hostility for so long, & rejoices for you for standing up against it.

    I know your sponsor's words were very painful & hurt you a lot. Maybe she said things in a way that hurt more than she meant them to. Maybe she's trying to express that she feels something uncovered in you & thinks with time & patience & not trying too hard to work the next step you'll reach a place of discovery. She's not saying that you are shallow - but that there is more there to be noticed, experienced, understood. She's saying look again, don't rush, allow your journey to unfold. She's saying you aren't at the end of the road yet, walk alittle more on this one, give it a little more time, ask HP to lead you a bit deeper. He knows the way, trust him to get you where you need to be. Your writings will evolve just like you will, what seems 'not good enough' now is just a beginning, a rough draft, a starting place. Just trust that it will grown & change as you do. Don't give up.

    And, in all the hurt there is something to sing & dance & jump for joy over. You are getting back to you! I'm so excited to read about training & races & feeling good about where you are & where you're going! The Good Lord is by your side, He's got your back & is lighting your path! :) Love is all around you! I'm praying you feel it even in the dark moments, that still small voice saying "I'm right here. We've got this, together!"

  4. I am so sorry to hear about these comments from your mother. I will pray for you now.

    Keep up the training.

  5. I understand the weirdness that you went through as a child and apparently still experience today..there's nothing else to say but I understand and I'm sorry. You are farther along in the steps than I am, but when I was involved in OA many years ago and wrote my 4th step for the first time, I thought I was being completely clear and 100# honest and open. I was for the level I could reveal at that time. I 've scratched beneath that surface since then . It's the peeling back the onion type thing.

    You are certainly in my prayers. Part of my recovery is spending more time in prayer..more time praying for those in addiction and those in recovery.

  6. Wow! Very sorry to hear about the things that are going on with you now but I can tell you that I can identify with several of your issues with your mom and there is a great book called Boundaries that really helped me in feeling empowered to set limits with my mom (who is BPD) and to make a plan to deal with potential conflict and boundary "breaches". The most important thing to me was to protect my wife and two little girls from the toxic environment which was not easy and still remains a struggle today. It's like we go through phases.

    But you have really been blessed in being able to stay strong through this season and I pray that HE will continue to hold you up and protect you and your family.

    God bless my friend...