Thursday, February 10, 2011

my sponsor and my mother

Training update: I've lost 22 pounds since Jan. I'm now 28 pounds from my dream race weight. Next weekend I'll be competing in my 1st multisport race since last July.

I hit 60 days of abstinence in 3 days!!! I've only hit 2 months twice before. I've never got to the 3 month mark.

Recently I got my feelings hurt by a comment my sponsor had made to me. A couple days later I talked to her & she had explained that when she said my writing lacked depth, she had meant my last writing only, not all of the writings and steps I've worked. That made me feel so much better about myself & the work I've done on the 12 steps. In regards to my last writing, she was absolutely correct, it was lacking depth. I thought about it & realized I had developed a feeling of self righteousness about the last 6 or 7 character flaws that I was unwilling to ask God to remove from me (step 7). I guess I had felt that since I had started out with 2 pages of character flaws I felt I should be allowed to embrace the few I was unable or unwilling to ask God to remove. That simply won't do. They are flaws & I should continue to try & better myself for God, all those around me, & even myself. I was wrong, my sponsor was absolutely correct.

It has always been frustrating for me to explain my mother because when I tell people about her I end up sounding like I'm crazy. Her actions sound so extreme, her plots so intricate, & the lies so prolific that I feel people think I'm lying. I decided to write about my major complaints about my mother. It was very healing.

These were the things I wrote about pertaining to my mother:

- Her entire life revolves around whatever man she is in a relationship with. Her whole personality changes & she becomes like him. If he's a cowboy she starts dressing like a cowgirl, buys a house in the country, buys horses, etc.

- She continuously puts the man she's in a relationship with and his needs above what's best for me or what I need. She will freak out & defend her man & get pissed at me if there's a problem between him & I, even if he's the one who is causing the problem & I'm completely innocent.

- in relationships, especially in the early stages of the relationships she ignored me & becames angry when I needed anything because it took her focus, time, & attention from her man. Now I could care less, but when I was a kid it was devastating to me.

- She was horribly controlling. I wasn't allowed to visit friends. I wasn't allowed any privacy. I wasn't allowed to talk about it if I was upset. I wasn't allowed to have an opinion unless it was the same opinion my mother had. I had to act as if I liked something if she liked it or I would be shunned & ignored. I had to pretend I disliked the things she disliked or I was shunned.

- she would use her love & attention to control me. Anytime she was disappointed, upset, or angry she would act as if I didn't exist. Since I wasn't allowed to have any friends & was only allowed minimal contact with anyone other than her, when she cut off ties with me I felt as if my whole world had ended. I'd become depressed & suicidal until she acted like she loved me again.

- she doesn't remember entire conversations or problems especially when she was the cause of the problems. She will deny the truth no matter what facts or proof is given.

- she claims people say things during conversations that they never said.

- she makes the same mistakes over & over regardless of the consequences. She never learns from those mistakes & she becomes irate & denies it if anyone suggests she has made that mistake before. She'll claim that person is lying or she'll come up with an amazing conspiracy story to show they are wrong & just trying to hurt her.

- she lies constantly!!!! She lies frequently!!!!

- she makes up stories about people who she's having problems with. These stories seem to become her reality. Eventually she seems to believe her lies & manipulations. It's as if she's living in her own reality.

- she's impulsive. When she gets something in her head she does it even if it's hurtful, dishonest, & irresponsible.

- she either worships or loathes a person. There's no in between. The smallest slight, even an imagined one can cause her to turn on someone. When she turns on that person she doesn't try to talk or work the problem out. She goes to WAR on them. She tries to turn people against them & manipulates other people to turn on them by lying, plotting, & using crazy conspiracy theories.

- she confuses the boundaries of son & romantic relationship. There were times as a teenager or pre-teen that her hugs & kisses were inappropriate.

- she was consistently barging in on me & trying to catch me when I was showering, especially after puberty. The older I got the worse that problem became. In high school I knew without fail she'd run into the bathroom when I was bathing at least once, usually much more. I wasn't allowed to lock any doors, if I ever tried to lock the door for privacy she became furious. The older I got the more she did that. That behavior finally stopped my junior year of high school when she moved us into another mans house & she became focused/obsessed with him for awhile.

- she sets me up to look bad & to make her look like a victim. Especially to the man she's in a relationship with, and especially when they have been together less than a couple years. I.E. One time she asked me if there was anything about her ex-husband (who was physically abusive to her) that I missed (they hadn't been split up for very long). I said no. She kept pushing & asking all sorts of questions & was becoming upset when I wasn't making it sound like I missed him at all. She finally asked if there was anything he used to do with me that I missed. That seemed like an innocent question so I told her sometimes I missed hunting, but I didn't miss him. She immediately went to her new husband and told him I had said I missed her ex-husband & wanted us to go back. I never said that. She lied to make herself seem like a victim who needed to be saved from the evil son.

- she will cut off contact with entire groups of friends & family unexpectedly. She seems unable to keep long term friendships.

- She allowed the men she had relationships with to abuse me. She didn't defend me, stand up for me, or protect me.

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