Friday, April 16, 2010

unexpected response

I attended my 1st OA meeting in a month. I was going to sit quietly through the meeting learning, supporting the other more successful people, looking for a sponsor, but I was not planning on speaking. I felt to embarrassed to share with the group that I fell off the wagon again. At the last minute & on impulse I decided to let everyone know what a failure I had been. "I stopped working the 12 & 12, I fired my sponsor & never got a new one, I've never made an outreach phone call, & I fell off the wagon 2 times in the last 3 weeks. I shared how I felt I'd failed & how horrid I felt about what I'd done, what I hadn't done, & me succumbing to my addiction. I then started to say something, I don't remember what I was going to say, I just remember starting my statement, "I'm having to start all over again. I'm 2 days abstinent..." I was interrupted at that point by everyone having started clapping. I was stunned, & came to realize that they were elated that I was back and hadn't given up on myself or given in to my addiction. I realized by their reaction I shouldn't be ashamed to admit my failure. They accepted me fully no matter if I was in the middle of a massive month long binge & purge, having been abstinent for years, or back to day 2 of my abstinence. They were celebrating my return rather than being disapointed in my failure. No one was disappointed in me or what I'd done.It's great to feel acceptance for once from an addiction most people just look at as having a lack of control or having no will power. Most people look at us with eating disorders as weak willed, looking for attention, or pathetic. These people knew I wasn't weak. I don't have a self control problem. They realize I'm a person with an addiction who is trying to recover. They understand me. They support me. With that kind of support I no longer feel alone or embarrassed. So I'm back, about to finish my second day of abstinence, & I feel like I'm on top of the world! The only failure from me could of come from giving up.


  1. This is so good. Of COURSE we're happy when you come back! Keep coming back. You are loved as you are, whether 30 years abstinent or 30 seconds. :)

  2. Mr Edinburgh, it's rare here in Santa Fe to find a recovering compulsive eater who is a follower of Christ like us. May I call you occasionally for support? I know that's a lot to ask, u dont know me. But if your willing I'd be so very gratefull.

  3. Wow, powerful post. So true that even just getting back on the wagon is a huge positive step!