CrossFit and binge eating

I could very well be the only athlete in the world who became fatter doing CrossFit. In the last 3 months I've gained 40 pounds- obviously I'm binging again. I'm up to 267 pounds. I haven't worked out at all in 3 weeks- my 3 year old has been in the hospital with pneumonia. I've spent the last three weeks contemplating quitting CrossFit. Everyone at my CrossFit box sees me working out hard and still gaining weight. I'm embarrassed. I'm the heaviest person there by at least 50 pounds and still getting heavier.

Today I showed up fully expecting this would be my last CrossFit workout ever, but when I showed up all the people I've worked out with at my CrossFit box were genuinely excited to see me, and I realized I missed them a lot too. CrossFit is more than a gym. We're people who are doing the workouts together day in and day out, supporting each other, suffering, sweating, and getting better together. The people there are more like a family.

Even after not working out for three weeks I still set a personal best back squat of 285 pounds. I finished the workout of the day in last place even though I was using the weight the girls were using. No surprise there, I usually finish in last place. Before I had a chance to feel bad about myself all the members of Zia CrossFit clapped and said wonderfully supportive things to me. I left feeling good about myself. That always ends up happening. My fellow CrossFit'ers make me feel good about myself and good about my effort. They don't know I'm a compulsive binge eater, but I don't think they'd care. I'm the fattest person there, but it doesn't seem to matter to them. I'm the only person there who is overweight and not losing weight- but they don't seem to care about that either. They are the most supportive people I've ever met. They accept me exactly as I am. They've always known me as a fat dude, but they have no expectations of me to lose weight. They don't know me as the athlete I used to be. They don't have the high expectations for me that I do for myself. They don't see me as the failure that I see myself as when I look at myself in the mirror. They are fully accepting of me. They don't see me as a failure because I keep showing up.Why would I want to leave a place that makes me feel so good about myself? Why would I want to give up something that makes me healthier and is countering much of the damage I'm doing to myself when I binge?

one fat overeating triathlete

Today I tried to put on a pair of jeans, but none of the jeans in my closet fit. I went out to my shed and brought in my fat clothes. Those were to small also. So I got my XX-large box of clothes that I hadn't had to wear since 2006, those didn't fit either..... I was heart broken, embarrassed, and angry. So I did what every binge eater does when they've had enough; I ate a box of donuts at work to sooth the pain. Crap. I'm miserable right now, and the more miserable I get the more I eat, which makes me more miserable, so then back to the eating again.

mourning sucks

I've always been able to cut people out of my heart and out of my life easily. The moment I feel like I'm in danger of getting hurt, or things are becoming too difficult I simply drop them out of my life. Last night I realized one of the reasons my eating has been so out of control is that I miss my Dad. He was only back in my life for a little more than a year, but during that year I thoroughly enjoyed the visits, the phone calls, etc. It was wonderful feeling loved and wanted by a parent, that's not something I've had much of in my life. When my Dad disappeared again last month, it hurt me. Usually I could just slam my heart shut, but I can't this time. I wish I could give my Dad what he needs to be content with me, my wife, and my children. I wish he wanted to be in my life half as much as I want him in mine. I think of him daily. I miss him, and I love him. I've never allowed anyone to effect me this way before. I think the feeling I'm having is.... mourning. It hurts. I don't like it.

Today I was planning on eating healthy and going on a run. I ate healthy, I didn't binge. I missed the run, but I feel getting my eating under control is the most important thing, and I did that. Tomorrow morning I'll be going to an OA meeting and then going to church. This'll be the first time I've done either in a long time. Hopefully I'll still be abstinent from binge eating and start running and biking again on Monday. I weighed in at 236 this morning. I cant believe earlier this year I weighed 175.

I had an old blogger buddy comment on yesterdays blog post. He convinced me to go and race this weekend. I'll be humiliated racing at my current weight, but I know I'll feel better for having raced. I shouldn't give up on myself because of the possibility of being judged or mocked. Thanks couch potato to Ironman, I appreciate the support.

loss of control

I'm 3 days into a massive binge and no signs of being being able to stop. Yesterday I blew $49 for lunch & hit multiple drive thru's. A man can get a ton of burgers, chili cheese fries, and coney dogs for $49. I now know Satan is real, he is now selling sweet potato tater tots at Sonic.

The last time I was is the grips of a binge this severe I weighed 182 in July 2006, by November 2006 I weighed 256 pounds. Dear God help me. This is too big for me to bare.

I had just reached my dream weight of the mid 170's in July of 2011, and now I see that number in my rear view mirror getting smaller and smaller as I eat myself farther & farther away.

I'm spending a lot of time in prayer, any additional prayers would be greatly appreciated.

sincerely,
memoirs of a binge eating triathlete

relapse imminent

After almost 3 months of not going to any OA meetings I've come very close to falling off the wagon & ruining my 8 months of abstinence. The last 3 days I've ate a little more calories than I had planned on my food log each day. A few meals I've changed at the last minute & ate something completely different than I'd planned. I'm perilously close to falling off the wagon. Yesterday I didn't eat the lunch I'd planned, instead I ate some take out my wife had been saving. Her feelings were hurt that I ate something she had been saving & asked me not to eat. Unfortunately she's seen me like this many times before. It's not pretty. I don't make moral or honest decisions when I relapse.

I seem to fall off the wagon around 3 months before any of my big priority triathlons, & I have Ironman Arizona in 13 weeks. I cant count the times I've fallen off the wagon & gained 50-70 pounds before a big race. Happens every time!

I haven't worked out 2 days in a row, I've not followed my food plan 3 days in a row. My working out & eating are conected somehow. When I fall off the wagon with my food I stop working out. If I take too many days off from triathlon training I fall off the wagon with my eating.

I went to an OA meeting yesterday & found a long time OA member who is a christian & I asked him to be my sponsor. He gave me my 1st assignment. I got up to step 7 with my last sponsor a little less than a year ago so my new sponsor's having me read from the big book up to step 4. We're fast forwarding to step 4 because he knows I have a strong relationship with Jesus.

is it them or my addiction that's the problem?

To give those who follow my blog an update, I still haven't found a sponsor, & to top it off I've stopped going to meetings. The last few times I've gone to the meetings there has been comments from people that was down right Jesus bashing. I understand not everyone believes as I do. I try to be sensitive to others & their beliefs, but there seems to be a real anti-Jesus sentiment here in Santa Fe. The 1st couple times I heard those comments in OA meetings I tried to just ignore them & stay strong in my faith & abstinence. The last comment I heard that was the proverbial straw was, "I'm tired of getting a face full of Jesus."

It was more than I could take, so I left the meeting and haven't been back. I've stayed strong in my recovery without the meetings & a sponsor, I'll hit 8 months abstinence this week & I've maintained my weight for the 1st time in my adult life! I went through a 3 month stretch where my staying strong with my recovery was easy. It was like breathing, I could do it without thinking. But I'm struggling more & more. I'm finding myself obsessing about food again. I'll eat a little more at meals than my food plan allowed, I'd then try to make up for it by eating less the next day to make up for the extra calories I'd ate the day before. I seem to be going up & down in my eating & my food obsessions. I'm afraid I'm perilously close to going back to my days of food insanity. Binge, diet, binge diet. Sometimes the pattern would flop back to the high or low in 3 month intervals, sometimes withing hours.... Gaining 50 pounds in 2 months, taking 6 months to lose it.... I don't want that life again, but I'll always be an addict. I'll always struggle, I'm afraid I'll always be in pain. It's painful to see others eat my trigger foods in moderation & see them enjoy it & not use it to destroy themselves like I end up doing. I wish I could eat, enjoy it and move on... I can't. If I eat it I become an addict in the worst possible way. I binge eat to the point where I over load my kidneys. I'm getting closer to that person lost in my addiction since I am not aggressively pursuing my recovery. I now to do some real self inventory very soon or I'll end up relapsing: Am I staying away from meetings because they are insulting my God or is it my addiction being cunning & forcing me back into isolation? Is it them or my addiction that's the problem?

Thanks for listening. I wont take as long to post again. scouts honor...

2 months 3 weeks & 6 days abstinent & I'm in trouble

I've made it farther into abstinence than I ever have. Tomorrow I earn my 3 month chip. At least I should...... I'm not sure I'll make it. I've been obsessing about food most of the last 2 weeks. My definition of abstinence is to avoid a pattern of compulsive eating. Today during lunch was the first time I didn't follow my food plan. I didn't go crazy, I ate 1 P & B sandwich, 2 gum balls, & 4 3/8 oz goldfish more than I should have. Usually a small amount during 1 meal over what I should have ate is the breaking point. Once I do that I'm usually completely unable to eat in moderation. By unable to eat in moderation I mean binge eating so severe that I'll completely wreck my families finances from the amount of food I'll buy & eat in a week or less. Ten thousand calories a day would be a moderate day of binging. Sometimes these binges last weeks, but sometimes they last much longer. My binges have lasted a year and a half before. I'm afraid. If I can pull myself together by dinner I may have a chance, but I've never made it past 2 meals of eating unplanned food before. God help me.

cycling towards recovery

Today our church had communion. As we were leaving I saw there was a lot of flat bread left that hadn't been given out to the church body. I was obsessing about the bread. I kept thinking of how it was probably going to be thrown away, wasted. I was dreaming about all the options there were if I was able to have the flat bread (eat it eat it eat it!). I could put in in queso, if it was stale I could dip it in salsa like chips, I could pop em while driving like little fun bite sized pieces of stress relief, ..... There's no doubt in my mind I'm a food addict. Who else would obsess about old used bread that's been broken to pieces.

I'm usually so busy on Sunday mornings getting our kids ready for church that I can't attend OA meetings. Today I went to my 1st Sunday morning meeting. I was amazed & awed by the meeting this morning. I read out of an OA book, page 128. It said something about a person driving & eating & they crashed their car. I used to struggle with my eating when driving to & from work. I couldn't refrain from stopping for food even though I left the house having just ate & I always brought enough food for work. So 5 years ago I started riding my bicycle to & from work. No matter what the weather is I ride my bike. Last week I rode to work in the middle of a snow storm that had dropped a foot of snow. 2 days ago the wind chill was negative 6 degrees. Any uncomfort or problems from the weather is nothing compared to the pain of being in the midst of a binge. I realized driving to & from work was a problem so I found an alternative. Up until now I never told anyone why I comute on a bike. I felt if I told anyone I commute on my bike to avoid binge eating regardless of how extreme or crazy the weather is it would make me sound like some kind of crazy nut job. Now that I'm going to OA meetings I realize I'm not crazy, it was one of the 1st times in my life I was admitting I was powerless over food & commuting to work is a tool I'm using to bring myself & my eating back to a state of sanity.

Thanks for tuning in & thank you for helping my in my recovery from a life of binge eating....

Christmas & kidney failure

Against all odds I was able to stay abstinent during the Holidays. It wasn't a perfect abstinence, but I followed my definition of abstinence. I thought that was a huge victory for me, but I've realized I have a problem. I realized my definition of abstinence is way to lenient. My definition of abstinence currently is: Abstaining from a pattern of binge eating & completely abstaining from my trigger foods which are cake, chocolate, pies, pastries, & most especially ICE CREAM!!!!

Following my definition of abstinence I still overate on just about every meal during the entire Christmas week. I never binged, but I overate none the less. I also grazed on foods when I wasn't hungry. I realized this is inappropriate & I need a more stringent definition of my food abstinence.

One of the things that can trigger a binge for me is eating to much at one meal. I don't know why, but eating more than I need at even a single meal sends me running to bingeland fast! I overate on every single meal all weekend long! I wanted to binge yet I didn't have nearly the desire to do so that overeating normally triggers in me. I believe it was my prayers & God who was taking away my unavoidable need to binge. There's no other way to explain me walking such a slippery slope & still able to be successful! God was there for me. He was there to make me successful when I was too weak to do so on my own.

This morning I realized another reason for my need of a more stringent food plan & definition of abstinence. When I got off work and before I went to sleep I ate 3 pieces of pizza. I wasn't hungry, but I ate them anyway! This was a HUGE no-no because I was using food to relax, to wind down from work, & for stress relief. I use food to avoid dealing with my problems, stress, & emotions, that's my M.O. Essentially I am using a substance to avoid dealing with my life. Call me crazy, but isn't that what addicts do? Um, ya, I'm an addict! I know for a fact it's a good thing my drug of choice is food because if it was drugs or alcohol I'd be dead of an over dose long ago!


Avoiding the feelings that come with life is not ok with me. I need to learn to deal with my feelings. Avoiding life is not living. Not to mention when I binge I do it to such an extreme I've started to have signs that I'm overloading my kidneys. If I continue my binge eating I'll have kidney failure before I'm 40. No, I'm not exaggerating. I've been having problems with my kidneys when I binge eat. Most compulsive overeaters my age (mid 30's) know long term health problems will pop up if they continue their food habits. Things such as clogged arteries, heart attacks, & diabetes. My eating disorder is threatening to kill me in the short term, & kidney failure is a painful way to die. I have 3 children under the age of 6. I have to learn to deal with life & my eating disorder or my children will grow up without a Dad. My wife would have to start working full time at least, & probably 2 jobs to support them, so they'd essentially lose both parents. One to death, the other would become an absentee parent from working so much & it would all be my fault. This is not ok. I have to beat this, & I need to do it soon. I'll be praying for God to help, but this is, in my mind an emergency situation here, so if any of you out there in blog land are willing to pray for me, I'd be forever grateful.

abstanence day 2/candle light meeting

Yesterday I completed a 90 minute 25.12 mile bike ride for my training.

Every year here at my OA home they have a candle light OA meeting. This year we had the topic of the promises if we follow the 12 & 12 of OA. 12 individuals each was able to pick a promise & give a 3-5 minute share. Below are the promises. I'll post my share below the promises.

1. We know a new freedom and happiness.

2. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.

3. We will comprehend the word "serenity".

4. We will know peace.

5. We will see how our experiences would benefit others.

6. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.

7. We will lose interest in selfish things.

8. Self-seeking will slip away.

9. Our whole attitude and outlook on life will change.

10. Fear of people and economic insecurity will leave us.

11. We will intuitively know how to handle situations that used to baffle us.

12. We will realize that God is doing for us what we couldn’t do for ourselves.



My promise was #2 We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.



The hardest lesson for me to learn is to be gentle with myself. Every binge I'd beat myself up, I'd punish myself, hate myself. My self loathing & stress over my bingeing caused me to binge even more. Even when I was doing well with my eating I'd be obsessing about my past or future binges.



It wasn't until many months into my program that I realized God put my eating disorder into my life for a reason. It's there to keep my focus on God. When I stop turning to God I end up falling into a binge. If God put this into my life why would I regret it? Regretting & fretting the past causes me to repeat it. Yet ignoring the past will also cause me to repeat it. The only way I can recover is by learning from my failures. Each time I fell off the wagon I try & learn what the causes were.



I should strive for progress not perfection! I've found when I strive for perfection it causes me to procrastinate. Procrastination causes paralysis Looking back I ask myself if I would have done differently if I HAD The chance. "Darn right I would!" But the gift of this promise is the realization that it has been the totality of life experience that has brought me to this stage of my spiritual journey. And I have come to love the man I ha e become & still becoming, having learned to love the lessons (at least eventually) that come with my struggles to live into the fullness of who God made me to be. It would be hard to imagine an addict coming into recovery who does not regret the harm they have caused themselves & others. But these promises are listed not at the beginning of the book, but after the part describing the 9th step, which is "made direct amends to such people that we have harmed wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. If I'm following the 12 step program of recovery I will have made a sincere attempt to do all I can to right any wrongs & move on to forgiveness. If I have committed myself to practicing this spiritual discipline on an ongoing basis, in the context of a relationship with God, I can't see that regret is of much use. At some point I, a recovering addict has to let go of beating up on myself & focus on gratitude for the opportunity to really transform my life for the better.