the countdown starts.... yesterday

After almost 2 years of searching for something to fill the spot of triathlon I've finally found something I'm excited about. I'm going to try my hand at olympic weightlifting! My 1s t event will be in Sept. The one in Sept I'm doing just for fun. I wont be trying to throw around big weights or impress anyone. I'll just be trying to get some experience and have some fun. My 2nd olympic weightlifting competition will be held in early November. Not only will I be taking the 2nd event more seriously, I'm hoping to no longer be a super heavy weight. I need to weight 230 pounds or less to no longer be a super heavy weight, which means I need to lose 32 pounds in just over 3 months. I started my diet yesterday, and as of yesterday I had 7 days of abstinence! That's the 1st time in many many months that I've hit an entire week without binge eating. To bad there's no 1 week chip.

Wish me luck and abstinence!

do the work dummy

Today's the 4th day in a row working out and 3rd day without binge eating. I haven't been on a row like this in months!

I recently watched a movie called "everything must go" with Will Ferrel. It's a movie about an alcoholic who fell off the wagon and lost everything. It was a bad movie, but there was a part in the movie that will change my life forever. Will Ferrel is talking to another alcoholic who was sober. The other alcoholic told Will Ferrel that the reason he's been able to maintain his sobriety is because he does the work, goes to meetings. Up until I saw that movie I was confused about why I fell off the wagon. I try so hard to not binge eat, to the point where I'm obsessed thinking about it. I have a tremendous knowledge of nutrition and try so hard to aply it. I have a ton of knowledge about triathlon and am usually able to workout consistently. And most importantly I've been praying nonstop for abstinence from destructive overeating. I knew God would help me if I asked, but I couldn't figure out why I wasn't able to put it all together and why God wasn't stepping in and helping me. Now I know, I haven't been doing the work. When I'd struggle I'd go to meetings, meet with sponsors, and work the 12 step when I started to struggle, but once I was on a roll I'd stop. I treated the program like chemotherapy. Once the cancer (binge eating) went away I'd stop treatment. God will help me if I'm willing to help myself, but He wont do it without me doing my part. I'm going to a meeting in the morning, I've scheduled an apt with my sponsor and will start meeting with him once a week, I'm calling other OA members twice a day, and I'm working the 12 steps again. Now that I'm doing the work I should be able to be successful in my recovery.

a little bit of a roll

Yesterday I rode my indoor trainer for half an hour. Today I ran for half an hour and haven't binged on food. I go to work tonight and have packed my lunch, there's no place for me to get any food other than what I bring with me. Looks like I may hit an entire day of abstaining from destructive overeating and two consecutive days in a row of training!

Hot danm! Day one of abstinence

God answered my prayers yesterday, I ate within my definition of abstinence. I've completed one day of abstaining from destructive overeating. I also rode my bike!

Today I have 3 goals:

1) to pray and keep God in my heart.

2) To be abstinent for today. I'm only going to worry about my eating today. I'm not going to worry about being abstinent tomorrow, or the next.

3) to do a run workout

Back in the saddle

Today I seem to be back in control of my eating. Before I started binging I was at my dream weight of 175, I now weigh 202.4. If I lose 1 pound a week it'll take me over 4 months to reverse the damage I'd done, but at least I'm not binging anymore. I could have been back to 290 pounds before I finally recovered, that has happened to me many times before.

My 1st race of the season will be on April 1st. I was very excited about showing up to race at my dream weight of 175, but it could be worse. My Ironman is in the fall this year, that gives me plenty of time to get back down to a racing weight. Thank goodness for miracles like abstinence!

Day 1 of SOBRIETY/ ABSTINENCE...again

Last night I fell of the wagon. My destructive overeating has continued all day today. I had 460 days of abstinence, and now I have to start over. I keep trying to stop binge eating by sheer force of will. No matter how hard I try I cant get back to sane eating, and I keep eating, and eating, and eating.... Finally my wife sat me down for a heart to heart. She took my hands into hers and she prayed to help me give my struggles over to God. Then she reminded me to not worry about how many days of abstinence I lost and reminded me to just worry about today. Not to worry about tomorrow, just today. Then she told me to stop beating myself up. To be gentle with myself. And that's when I started to heal again and trust in my Lord Jesus Christ.

In the morning I'll be starting from day 1 again, and I couldn't be happier.

Thank God for my wife and Gods grace.

9 months abstinant

Today I hit 9 months without binge eating.

Since September I've been meeting with my sponsor once a week & had started working the 12 steps again starting with step 1. I'm currently on step 4. The 1st time I worked step 4 my list of people I am upset with or have animosity towards was huge. Now that I'm closer to Christ and am living a more harmonious 12 step life my 4th step list was so small it surprised me! I'm currently praying twice a day for the people who I have any animosity or negative feelings towards. After only 4 days most of those negative feelings I had has dissipated and feelings of acceptance and compassion are building in it's wake. Living a life for Christ and continuously working the 12 step is making me a much better person. I believe I'm much easier to get along with & be around. I'm more forgiving with myself which in turn has made me more accepting and loving to everyone around me.

I'll be going to an OA meeting to get my 9 month chip Tuesday morning!!!!!!

The big book

Last night I was reading the big book (alcoholics anonymous). It's an amazing book. It sure seemed to me that God had His hand in writing it. Last night I read something from page 33 that was written for me in particular:

Most of us have believed if we remained abstinent for a long stretch, we could there after eat normally....once a compulsive over eater always a compulsive over eater. If we are planning to stop destructive eating, there must be no lurking notion that someday we will be immune to food.

I've learned on multiple occasions that when I stop thinking I have a problem my compulsive binge eating comes back with a vengeance. I have to realize I'll never be a normal eater. I have to continue working the program & keeping in mind that I am & always will have an addiction. I need t take steps daily such as following a food plan, avoiding trigger foods, never eating at buffets, and praying so that I can stay abstinent or I will relapse!

focus on the positive

As I've been reflecting on the last few months I realized one of the reasons I hadn't gone to any OA meetings was I'd feel obligated to admit I hadn't found a new sponsor, I hadn't been working the 12 steps, & I hadn't been to any meetings. Although those things are true, it would be better for me to focus on the positive things in my life.
- I'm 110 pounds lighter than when I 1st realized I was a compulsive over eater
- I've maintained my weight for the 1st time in my life. So far I've been maintaining for over a month.
- I did the Sandia crest climb on my bicycle! I've tried that before but had never been successful.
- I've been abstinent for over 8 months. Before this stretch I've never made it before 2 3/4 months!
- I've continued to have a strong relationship with God.
- I'm training for an Ironman for the 4th time & am making gains like I've never seen before!

relapse imminent

After almost 3 months of not going to any OA meetings I've come very close to falling off the wagon & ruining my 8 months of abstinence. The last 3 days I've ate a little more calories than I had planned on my food log each day. A few meals I've changed at the last minute & ate something completely different than I'd planned. I'm perilously close to falling off the wagon. Yesterday I didn't eat the lunch I'd planned, instead I ate some take out my wife had been saving. Her feelings were hurt that I ate something she had been saving & asked me not to eat. Unfortunately she's seen me like this many times before. It's not pretty. I don't make moral or honest decisions when I relapse.

I seem to fall off the wagon around 3 months before any of my big priority triathlons, & I have Ironman Arizona in 13 weeks. I cant count the times I've fallen off the wagon & gained 50-70 pounds before a big race. Happens every time!

I haven't worked out 2 days in a row, I've not followed my food plan 3 days in a row. My working out & eating are conected somehow. When I fall off the wagon with my food I stop working out. If I take too many days off from triathlon training I fall off the wagon with my eating.

I went to an OA meeting yesterday & found a long time OA member who is a christian & I asked him to be my sponsor. He gave me my 1st assignment. I got up to step 7 with my last sponsor a little less than a year ago so my new sponsor's having me read from the big book up to step 4. We're fast forwarding to step 4 because he knows I have a strong relationship with Jesus.

is it them or my addiction that's the problem?

To give those who follow my blog an update, I still haven't found a sponsor, & to top it off I've stopped going to meetings. The last few times I've gone to the meetings there has been comments from people that was down right Jesus bashing. I understand not everyone believes as I do. I try to be sensitive to others & their beliefs, but there seems to be a real anti-Jesus sentiment here in Santa Fe. The 1st couple times I heard those comments in OA meetings I tried to just ignore them & stay strong in my faith & abstinence. The last comment I heard that was the proverbial straw was, "I'm tired of getting a face full of Jesus."

It was more than I could take, so I left the meeting and haven't been back. I've stayed strong in my recovery without the meetings & a sponsor, I'll hit 8 months abstinence this week & I've maintained my weight for the 1st time in my adult life! I went through a 3 month stretch where my staying strong with my recovery was easy. It was like breathing, I could do it without thinking. But I'm struggling more & more. I'm finding myself obsessing about food again. I'll eat a little more at meals than my food plan allowed, I'd then try to make up for it by eating less the next day to make up for the extra calories I'd ate the day before. I seem to be going up & down in my eating & my food obsessions. I'm afraid I'm perilously close to going back to my days of food insanity. Binge, diet, binge diet. Sometimes the pattern would flop back to the high or low in 3 month intervals, sometimes withing hours.... Gaining 50 pounds in 2 months, taking 6 months to lose it.... I don't want that life again, but I'll always be an addict. I'll always struggle, I'm afraid I'll always be in pain. It's painful to see others eat my trigger foods in moderation & see them enjoy it & not use it to destroy themselves like I end up doing. I wish I could eat, enjoy it and move on... I can't. If I eat it I become an addict in the worst possible way. I binge eat to the point where I over load my kidneys. I'm getting closer to that person lost in my addiction since I am not aggressively pursuing my recovery. I now to do some real self inventory very soon or I'll end up relapsing: Am I staying away from meetings because they are insulting my God or is it my addiction being cunning & forcing me back into isolation? Is it them or my addiction that's the problem?

Thanks for listening. I wont take as long to post again. scouts honor...

back into my skinny clothes

Last winter I gained back all the weight I had struggled for so long to get & keep off. I was forced to take all the clothes I could no longer fit into out to the shed & bring in all my fat clothes. It was one of the most painful experiences of my life. I was once again the fat man.

In January I got back on the wagon. I've lost a large portion of the weight I'd gained. Today, I'm proud to say, I was able to bring my skinny clothes back inside & throw all my fat clothes outside once again! It felt so good!!!!!

3 cheers for skinny clothes!!!

PS. This weekend I was able to avoid binge eating for the 1st Easter ever!

Recovery means healing & learning

Yesterday I talked to my Mom for the 1st time in a couple months. As usual, it didn't go well. First I was angry, then I felt like crying, & then for half an hour my eyes kept welling up with tears, & I thought to myself that eating would deaden those feelings, but I wasn't having a desire to binge. But that was just a thought, not a deep desire or need for food. I'd never had that happen before. I always either ignored the problem or I ate my feelings. This was progress. For the 1st time I felt feelings like a normal human being. For the first time I felt without needing to dump food into the emotion. This is progress. Sunday night I took my 3 babies to Hoots for a birthday party. I spent three entire hours chasing, jumping, & running with my babies. I had more fun than I can ever remember having. I couldn't have done that when I was 300 pounds. Recovery has not only helped me get in touch with my feelings, it's also helped me become a better father. Sunday night my 19 month old was teething. He was SO tired from a busy day of 2 church services, a lunch with another couple from church, & then the birthday party. But he was up until late last night teething & crying. I finally laid down on the couch with him on my chest & cuddled up under a blanket. He slept soundly the rest of the night. He was still in pain, but me holding & loving on him made him comforted enough to sleep through the pain. I enjoyed the bonding moment with him, & I realized that as much as I love my son & will always do everything I can to help relieve him of the pain he's going through, God loves me that much & more. And He's even more willing to help me through times that are painful or too much for me to bare on my own. All I have to do is ask God for help & He will. Just as I enjoyed helping my son in his time of need, God would find great fulfillment from helping me & having fellowship with me. Recovery isn't easy, but it heals physically, emotional, & spiritually. It can help better our relationships with our family, friends, co-workers, God, & even ourselves. I'm so happy. Thank you Jesus.

another race, another few mile stones.

Amazingly I'm still abstinent! 111 days! 9 days until I hit 4 months! I competed in a triathlon this weekend, ran 7:36 minute miles for 3.2 miles, averaged 19 mph on a 15.5 mile bike, and a 10:30 500 meter swim. 5th place AG, 33rd overall out of 250. I'm weighing 201 pounds, down 34 since Jan 1st!!! I fit into a large work pants for the 1st time since last Aug! Happy happy joy joy!!!

3 months at last!

I made 3 months of abstinence from compulsive overeating! The night before I hit 3 months was brutal! I was obsessing over food, & had a desperate need to binge eat. I made a couple outreach phone calls, read a few blogs on compulsive overeating, & prayed, & that got me through the night. I'd like to give a big thanks to Charlie who I only knew from his blog, I called him & that made a huge difference in my desire to binge.

The next day, thanks to the good Lord I felt better. I got my 3 month chip at my OA meeting. That felt so wonderful.

Anyways, I need to head out on my bike ride before the kids wake up so I'm singing off for now. Thanks everyone!

2 months 3 weeks & 6 days abstinent & I'm in trouble

I've made it farther into abstinence than I ever have. Tomorrow I earn my 3 month chip. At least I should...... I'm not sure I'll make it. I've been obsessing about food most of the last 2 weeks. My definition of abstinence is to avoid a pattern of compulsive eating. Today during lunch was the first time I didn't follow my food plan. I didn't go crazy, I ate 1 P & B sandwich, 2 gum balls, & 4 3/8 oz goldfish more than I should have. Usually a small amount during 1 meal over what I should have ate is the breaking point. Once I do that I'm usually completely unable to eat in moderation. By unable to eat in moderation I mean binge eating so severe that I'll completely wreck my families finances from the amount of food I'll buy & eat in a week or less. Ten thousand calories a day would be a moderate day of binging. Sometimes these binges last weeks, but sometimes they last much longer. My binges have lasted a year and a half before. I'm afraid. If I can pull myself together by dinner I may have a chance, but I've never made it past 2 meals of eating unplanned food before. God help me.

3 weeks ago I started reading a book called "understanding the borderline mother." It explains my mother perfectly, I've realized she has borderline personality disorder. On one hand the book was very healing because I was able to realize that my mother's actions & treatment of me wasn't my fault. I also realized her actions aren't because she's mean or evil, it's because she's sick. It was good for me to learn about her problem & to learn some of how to deal with her, but on the other hand it stated clearly in the book that there's no cure for her borderline personality. She will be that way forever.

Recently my wife & I had started going to counseling to try & fix some of the problems between my Mother & us. No matter what my wife or I said my mother twisted what we said or lied about what was said. Unfortunately I learned counseling was futile. There's no fixing her & there's no changing her. I have a choice to make, I can either except her for who she is & what she does or I can cut her out of my life. I'd prefer a life without her, but my wife & church councilor is saying I should keep a relationship with her & just try my best to avoid giving her ammunition to use against me when she gets angry & tries to slander my wife & I, which is what she always does anytime anyone disagrees with her no matter how small the issue it is. In her mind a person is either all for her or against her & she plays dirty when she goes to war against someone.

The good news is now I know & understand her, the bad news is that since I started reading this book I stopped pretty much all my eating recovery. I hadn't gone to an OA meeting in 3 weeks. I haven't worked on any of the 12 steps or done any writings in 3 weeks. & I haven't been able to get a hold of my sponsor, but only half of those missed phone calls were my fault.

Somehow I have been able to stay abstinent & not fall back into a pattern of destructive eating. I believe most of that was because I kept a decent relationship with Christ. Also because I have a very strong food plan that I got into the habit of doing without fail.

This last weekend my wife & I went to Pagosa Springs Colorado for the weekend. That was the 1st time we were able to get away without our kids in over 4 years. Usually being away from home, work, etc will throw me into binge eating. Celebration is also a huge trigger for me, this weekend was both. But I was able to continue my abstinence. I'm now 2 weeks away from hitting 3 months abstinence. I've never hit 3 months before.

I will start working the 12 steps & writings again tonight. Thank God that God is with me, other wise this would have been a horrible 3 weeks of binging & weight gain.

a chip & a smaller pants!

Tomorrow I go to my overeaters anonymous meeting to get my 60 day abstinence chip!!! Hurray!!!

Today I fit back into my size 36 pants for the 1st time since last August!!! Hurray!!!

turns for the worse

Things were on an all time high for awhile. When things are great they are fantastic, but when it's not everything sure turns bad quickly.

On Tuesday I got a text message from my mother saying she doubted she could work through the problems she has with my wife since there is more than one issue. She said if there was only one problem she could see hope, but since there's more than one she doubts they can. This was the 6th time she said this to me in a couple weeks. She then asked if she could call & talk to me. I responded saying she could as long as it was about her & I. I said that because she gossips & slanders A LOT! Many times word has come to me about some horrible lies she has said about my wife & myself. A week earlier I had asked her to promise me that she wouldn't talk negatively about my wife & I to mutual friends and our family anymore. She promised me she wouldn't. By telling her I was only willing to talk about her & I, all I was doing was reminding her of that promise. She responded with the following text. I copy & pasted it so it is exactly what she wrote.

"Dont misinterpret what i said. i said this whole situation has me feeling steamrolled aka overwhelmed. i thought Dr reinhart encourages everyone to express how they feel. didn't realize that is 4 everyone but me. u just minimized my feelings and made me feel really unimportant".

All I did was remind her not to gossip & slander & I got that kind of a nasty message? She is selfish & hurtful.

I could go on & on about why that exchange elicited a defensive response in me. But what it boils down to is since I was a kid she has made me feel like I'm not allowed to have any opinions or feelings of my own. On the rare times I have expressed my opinion she has attacked me & has gone out of her way to make me feel like I'm some kind of abuser & she is a victim. The other reason I felt hurt by her response is that growing up I was not allowed to make or set boundaries to keep myself safe. Anytime I have ever tried to make a boundary, such as not slandering me to someone, she has challenged me & become verbally & physically aggressive so that she could make me feel like I did something wrong. If that didn't make me be submissive to her then she'd make it seem like I'm an evil person & that she's a victim who is being abused by me. A prime example of this was when I was growing up she'd tell me all sorts of horrible things about my natural father in hopes of making me turn against him. When I was in 2nd grade she told me my Dad cheated on her & that he said he never wanted to be a father. She also said that she left my father because he wore women's under wear & she feared what a man who did that would do to her son. What kind of a person says things that that to a 2nd grader?

When I was in middle school she told me he used to be a part of circle jerks. I didn't know what that meant so she told me it's where a bunch of men make a circle and masturbate together. Highly inappropriate to tell anyone about their father, but I feel it was especially abusive to tell a boy that young.

Last month I asked her not to tell me bad things about my Dad anymore, & if there was ever something she felt she had to tell me about him that she should ask me if she could first. She completely ignored my request & told me that I'm a child from rape. She then told me her Mom & Dad didn't care & forced her to marry him. Who the heck would ever say stuff like that? What about my feelings?

Then on Friday I talked to my sponsor. She told me she felt I was rushing through the steps & that my writing were shallow & lacked depth. Ouch. That hurt. In my mind I wasn't trying to rush through them, I was motivated to work the steps as best as I could. If my writings seemed shallow then I'm not sure what I can do differently because what I wrote was the best I had. If my writings are the best I can do but aren't good enough then in my mind there's no point in continuing.

I'm feeling overwhelmed, hurt deeply, & lost. I know have no idea what to do. It's Gods grace alone that is keeping me abstinent because if I had the smallest craving in my current state of weakness I'd fall apart. I thank the Lord Jesus Christ for stepping in on my behalf & shouldering my desire to binge.

There is good news. I've also lost all my feelings of burnout with triathlon training! I've gone over 3 weeks without missing a single workout & I've figured out what my race schedule will be for the entire year. I'll be competing in 9 sprint distance triathlons, one half Ironman triathlon, & one full distance triathlon. & Since December I've lost 20 pounds. I'm now 30 pounds from my ultimate dream weight. Again, I've been successful because of Gods grave & love because I've tried my entire adult life to overcome my binge eating unsuccessfully. It wasn't until I turned it over to Jesus that I've been able to feel like I have some ability to have a normal life.

If any of you are willing to pray for me right now I'd sure be grateful.

Thank you. By reading this I feel like I'm able share about this dark & lonely disease I have of compulsive overeating, & because of that I feel less alone & misunderstood. You are helping in my recovery, & for that I can never tell you how grateful I am.

And the dream begins...again

The last month has been fantastic. My original goal from mid December to now was to try & stop binge eating & get back to consistent triathlon training. In the last month I've lost 12 pounds & haven't missed a workout! Even better than I had hoped!

I'm now at 222 pounds, & determined to get back to the fitness levels I was this past summer & get back to my dream weight of 185.... again. I was 184 in July 2010, & then my mother got back in contact with me after 14 months of peace, to trauma, no stress, & no communication at all. Having contact with her caused a colossal back slide of missed workouts & mind blowing emotional binge eating. I gained 50 pounds in 2 months. But I'm back on course & I'm on a roll! I've set a goal of hitting my dream weight of 185 by June 3rd, which will be a weight loss of 37 pounds in 4.5 months. That's an average of 1.85 pounds of weight loss a week. Not crazy. Doable.

I've got on a roll like this a few times before. After months & months (seemed like forever!) of eating healthy, following a food plan, logging my calories, working out hard, & being just a little bit hungry everyday I'd finally got to my goal weight. The problem with me is maintaining my weight. I've never once in my life been able to maintain. I'm either gaining weight fast or losing it slowly, never staying the same! I'm hoping with my revitalized relationship with Jesus, & my work in the OA 12 & 12 I'll get to my dream weight & maintain it for the first time. If I could get to & maintain my dream weight of 185 until November when I compete in Ironman Arizona I'd be 52 pounds lighter than when I set my Ironman personal best time of 14 hours 37 minutes. At 52 pounds lighter I'd CRUSH my old PR! So now I start my quest & dream of being triathlete thin & shoot for Iron glory once again. I'll keep you updated on how I do. Thanks for your support.