looking for a new motivation

For me working out and eating are intimately connected. When I'm training regularly it's easier for me to avoid binge eating. When I don't workout regularly I am usually binge eating. Since 2004 I've kept myself motivated and my eating somewhat under control with triathlon. A couple years ago I got ran over by a vehicle while cycling and since then I've been too afraid to bike and I've been gaining weight so quickly it's frightening. I'm currently 275 pounds, 100 pounds heavier than when I got ran over while cycling. Because of the weight gain I'm starting to have problems breathing when I sleep. My step dad had sleep apnea, and I'm pretty sure I'm in the beginning stages of what I saw him go through. I'm only 37 years old. Sleep apnea killed him in 2006. Scary huh.

I've finally come to the conclusion that I need to give up on my dreams of getting back into triathlon. I'm too heavy to run without destroying my body, I get too freaked out when I bike on the road, and I'd certainly crush my carbon fiber bike if I tried to ride it on the indoor trainer. I need to find something else to fill the void of triathlon. I definitely can't workout at a gym or run on a treadmill. I need to TRAIN! The difference between working out and training is when someone trains they are preparing for a competition. I love to compete. Competition fuels me and makes me motivated like nothing else can. The only other sport I can think of that I could get into that has competitions and doesn't involve riding a bike is Olympic weight lifting. Olympic weight lifting would be great for me because there are weight divisions and to be competitive I'd need to get into the lowest weight division possible.

I contacted the local Olympic weight lifting coach here in Santa Fe. There is a chance he wont call back or wont let me train with him. He rents a space from a local CrossFit gym that I used to workout at. I ended up canceling my membership with the CrossFit gym, and I'm afraid the Olympic weight lifting coach wont want me to train with him for fear of causing hurt feelings with the owner of the CrossFit gym. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that the owner of the CrossFit gym will be ok with me switching over to the other business under his roof.

In the last 2 years I haven't gone more than a day or two without binge eating. I still haven't got another 12 step sponsor, gone to any OA meetings, made outreach phone calls, or found a sport to be dedicated to, and until I do I will continue to struggle with my eating.

olympic weightlifting for me?

A couple months ago I posted that I retired from triathlons. The sport of triathlon was great for my eating disorder. I love competition, so the races fueled me with passion and motivated me to be dedicated. No matter how much I worked out if I binge ate I'd be overweight and slow. And if I didn't eat enough I'd be to weak to finish my workouts. The healthiest I've ever been was when I was training for Ironman Arizona in 2011. Since I retired from triathlon I've been looking for a sport to pick up to help me stay active and keep me from being obese, which I am VERY obese right now. I've been doing CrossFit for awhile and I love it. But I've been content being the slowest and fattest person in my CF gym.

 There's a lot of Olympic weight lifting in CrossFit, and I've found I really enjoy the olympic weight lifting. One of the things that attracts me to that sport is that it's important to get and stay as light as possible. Olympic weight lifters compete in a division determined by their body weight. The men's divisions are:
123 lb
137 lb
152 lb
170 lb
187 lb
207 lb
231 lb
and over 231 lbs

Currently I weight 265 pounds, so I'd be in the 231 and over division. Virtually all of the athletes in the 231 lb and over division are freakishly strong. That's NOT the division I'd want to lift in. Probably the best division for me would be the 170-187 pound division. I'm still strong and healthy at 190 lbs, and I could cut a few pounds the day before the competition to make the 187 pound category. There's an olympic weight lifting competition here in my home town on September 7th, and another on November 9th. I'm going to compete in them to see if I enjoy it as much as I think I will. I'll keep you posted.

a little bit of a roll

Yesterday I rode my indoor trainer for half an hour. Today I ran for half an hour and haven't binged on food. I go to work tonight and have packed my lunch, there's no place for me to get any food other than what I bring with me. Looks like I may hit an entire day of abstaining from destructive overeating and two consecutive days in a row of training!

focus on the positive

As I've been reflecting on the last few months I realized one of the reasons I hadn't gone to any OA meetings was I'd feel obligated to admit I hadn't found a new sponsor, I hadn't been working the 12 steps, & I hadn't been to any meetings. Although those things are true, it would be better for me to focus on the positive things in my life.
- I'm 110 pounds lighter than when I 1st realized I was a compulsive over eater
- I've maintained my weight for the 1st time in my life. So far I've been maintaining for over a month.
- I did the Sandia crest climb on my bicycle! I've tried that before but had never been successful.
- I've been abstinent for over 8 months. Before this stretch I've never made it before 2 3/4 months!
- I've continued to have a strong relationship with God.
- I'm training for an Ironman for the 4th time & am making gains like I've never seen before!

day 1 training for Ironman Arizona!

I went to my 1st OA meeting in a couple weeks. I got my 4 month chip. It felt great. I'm promising myself that I'll hit at least 1 meeting a week from here on out. Not only do I feel better after the meeting, but I'm going to need the extra help for the next 7 months.

Today was my 1st day of a 7 month training program for Ironman Arizona. I'm so excited, but I'm also frightened. Training for Ironman distance triathlon causes massive problems with my eating.

1)I know light is fast, so I try & get to as low of a body weight I can handle. When I get to low it makes me hungrier, which all to often throws me into a binge.

2) the massive training load for an Iron distance triathlon stresses the body out physically, emotionally, & even spiritually. In times of stress I tend to binge.

3) The training makes me tired, which makes me want to binge for comfort.

4) The massive amounts of training needed for an Ironman makes me HUNGRY! The amazing hunger that can accompany Ironman training can make me rationalize eating in ways that are destructive to my abstinence.

5) The 2 months before my Ironman I start to get worried, excited, nervous, etc, which makes me binge.


The last time I trained exclusively for an Ironman my body weight shot from 204 in September to 237 on race day in November. The Year before that I shot up from 187 in July to 250 in November.

I'm very excited to be training for an Ironman. My dream is to go sub 12 hours someday, which I believe I could do IF I'm able to show up on race day weighing under 190 pounds. But since I'm a compulsive binge eater that's a mighty big IF!!! & by the way, if you know of any endurance athletes who have an eating disorder & are available to become a sponsor, please send them my way!

Thanks for tuning in, you are helping in my recovery.

easy big guy!

This weekend I competed in a triathlon. I had a blast! Racing always motivates me to stay on course with my workouts & diet. With my OCD I have to be careful though. I have a tendency to go over board and start pushing myself way to hard on both accounts. Most triathletes who aren't naturally thin time their weight loss to be at the lowest they can get for a particular race, then gain a little weight during their off season. Last year I got a little overzealous, I trained & dieted to hard for way way to long! I got down to 184 pounds at %8.5 body fat. I felt ok at 184 pounds for awhile, but once my body had enough I lost control in a huge way! In a little over 2 months I lost my abstinence & gained 51 pounds. Ouch. I'm trying to stay focused this year on 2 main goals: big numero uno is my abstinence! This is what I care most about. My 2nd goal is to try and get triathlon thin for my Ironman this year. I believe these 2 goals are not exclusive of each other. I'm thinking if I can get down to 190 pounds by May (I feel great at that weight & can stay at 190 forever without problems), then maintain that weight until September 1st, then try & get down to my dream race weight of 180-185 pounds by race day. I think (hope) that 10 weeks will give me enough time to lose the weight slowly and comfortably so I don't get overly hungry, which can make a person overeat. Overeating for a normal person may not be a big deal. In a meal or two they are back to "normal" and able to asses what may have happened & what to do about it. A food addict like me may not be able to get back on the wagon for months or years. I know, I've been there many times! I desperately want to avoid becoming out of control with my eating, but I also desperately want to be a fast Iron distance triathlete, and in triathlon light is fast. If I'm over weight at a race I'm slow, but if I go to over board with my dieting then I fall off the wagon and gain 100 pounds- I've done it. I need to do some praying on this & be honest with myself when I'm in the process of dropping that last 10 pounds or I'll regret it in huge way! Anyone know any endurance athletes who are looking to be an OA sponsor? If so point them my way. I'd really like to find a sponsor who understands the endurance athletes life style while also understanding the compulsive over eaters life style. With how prevalent food disorders are in endurance sports there has to be someone out there who could help me balance both simultaneously.

my sponsor and my mother

Training update: I've lost 22 pounds since Jan. I'm now 28 pounds from my dream race weight. Next weekend I'll be competing in my 1st multisport race since last July.

I hit 60 days of abstinence in 3 days!!! I've only hit 2 months twice before. I've never got to the 3 month mark.

Recently I got my feelings hurt by a comment my sponsor had made to me. A couple days later I talked to her & she had explained that when she said my writing lacked depth, she had meant my last writing only, not all of the writings and steps I've worked. That made me feel so much better about myself & the work I've done on the 12 steps. In regards to my last writing, she was absolutely correct, it was lacking depth. I thought about it & realized I had developed a feeling of self righteousness about the last 6 or 7 character flaws that I was unwilling to ask God to remove from me (step 7). I guess I had felt that since I had started out with 2 pages of character flaws I felt I should be allowed to embrace the few I was unable or unwilling to ask God to remove. That simply won't do. They are flaws & I should continue to try & better myself for God, all those around me, & even myself. I was wrong, my sponsor was absolutely correct.

It has always been frustrating for me to explain my mother because when I tell people about her I end up sounding like I'm crazy. Her actions sound so extreme, her plots so intricate, & the lies so prolific that I feel people think I'm lying. I decided to write about my major complaints about my mother. It was very healing.

These were the things I wrote about pertaining to my mother:

- Her entire life revolves around whatever man she is in a relationship with. Her whole personality changes & she becomes like him. If he's a cowboy she starts dressing like a cowgirl, buys a house in the country, buys horses, etc.

- She continuously puts the man she's in a relationship with and his needs above what's best for me or what I need. She will freak out & defend her man & get pissed at me if there's a problem between him & I, even if he's the one who is causing the problem & I'm completely innocent.

- in relationships, especially in the early stages of the relationships she ignored me & becames angry when I needed anything because it took her focus, time, & attention from her man. Now I could care less, but when I was a kid it was devastating to me.

- She was horribly controlling. I wasn't allowed to visit friends. I wasn't allowed any privacy. I wasn't allowed to talk about it if I was upset. I wasn't allowed to have an opinion unless it was the same opinion my mother had. I had to act as if I liked something if she liked it or I would be shunned & ignored. I had to pretend I disliked the things she disliked or I was shunned.

- she would use her love & attention to control me. Anytime she was disappointed, upset, or angry she would act as if I didn't exist. Since I wasn't allowed to have any friends & was only allowed minimal contact with anyone other than her, when she cut off ties with me I felt as if my whole world had ended. I'd become depressed & suicidal until she acted like she loved me again.

- she doesn't remember entire conversations or problems especially when she was the cause of the problems. She will deny the truth no matter what facts or proof is given.

- she claims people say things during conversations that they never said.

- she makes the same mistakes over & over regardless of the consequences. She never learns from those mistakes & she becomes irate & denies it if anyone suggests she has made that mistake before. She'll claim that person is lying or she'll come up with an amazing conspiracy story to show they are wrong & just trying to hurt her.

- she lies constantly!!!! She lies frequently!!!!

- she makes up stories about people who she's having problems with. These stories seem to become her reality. Eventually she seems to believe her lies & manipulations. It's as if she's living in her own reality.

- she's impulsive. When she gets something in her head she does it even if it's hurtful, dishonest, & irresponsible.

- she either worships or loathes a person. There's no in between. The smallest slight, even an imagined one can cause her to turn on someone. When she turns on that person she doesn't try to talk or work the problem out. She goes to WAR on them. She tries to turn people against them & manipulates other people to turn on them by lying, plotting, & using crazy conspiracy theories.

- she confuses the boundaries of son & romantic relationship. There were times as a teenager or pre-teen that her hugs & kisses were inappropriate.

- she was consistently barging in on me & trying to catch me when I was showering, especially after puberty. The older I got the worse that problem became. In high school I knew without fail she'd run into the bathroom when I was bathing at least once, usually much more. I wasn't allowed to lock any doors, if I ever tried to lock the door for privacy she became furious. The older I got the more she did that. That behavior finally stopped my junior year of high school when she moved us into another mans house & she became focused/obsessed with him for awhile.

- she sets me up to look bad & to make her look like a victim. Especially to the man she's in a relationship with, and especially when they have been together less than a couple years. I.E. One time she asked me if there was anything about her ex-husband (who was physically abusive to her) that I missed (they hadn't been split up for very long). I said no. She kept pushing & asking all sorts of questions & was becoming upset when I wasn't making it sound like I missed him at all. She finally asked if there was anything he used to do with me that I missed. That seemed like an innocent question so I told her sometimes I missed hunting, but I didn't miss him. She immediately went to her new husband and told him I had said I missed her ex-husband & wanted us to go back. I never said that. She lied to make herself seem like a victim who needed to be saved from the evil son.

- she will cut off contact with entire groups of friends & family unexpectedly. She seems unable to keep long term friendships.

- She allowed the men she had relationships with to abuse me. She didn't defend me, stand up for me, or protect me.

And the dream begins...again

The last month has been fantastic. My original goal from mid December to now was to try & stop binge eating & get back to consistent triathlon training. In the last month I've lost 12 pounds & haven't missed a workout! Even better than I had hoped!

I'm now at 222 pounds, & determined to get back to the fitness levels I was this past summer & get back to my dream weight of 185.... again. I was 184 in July 2010, & then my mother got back in contact with me after 14 months of peace, to trauma, no stress, & no communication at all. Having contact with her caused a colossal back slide of missed workouts & mind blowing emotional binge eating. I gained 50 pounds in 2 months. But I'm back on course & I'm on a roll! I've set a goal of hitting my dream weight of 185 by June 3rd, which will be a weight loss of 37 pounds in 4.5 months. That's an average of 1.85 pounds of weight loss a week. Not crazy. Doable.

I've got on a roll like this a few times before. After months & months (seemed like forever!) of eating healthy, following a food plan, logging my calories, working out hard, & being just a little bit hungry everyday I'd finally got to my goal weight. The problem with me is maintaining my weight. I've never once in my life been able to maintain. I'm either gaining weight fast or losing it slowly, never staying the same! I'm hoping with my revitalized relationship with Jesus, & my work in the OA 12 & 12 I'll get to my dream weight & maintain it for the first time. If I could get to & maintain my dream weight of 185 until November when I compete in Ironman Arizona I'd be 52 pounds lighter than when I set my Ironman personal best time of 14 hours 37 minutes. At 52 pounds lighter I'd CRUSH my old PR! So now I start my quest & dream of being triathlete thin & shoot for Iron glory once again. I'll keep you updated on how I do. Thanks for your support.

service for recovery & celebration is my trigger

Yesterday I completed 9 days of abstinence & completed an 82 minute bicycle ride! It feels so good to be able to say I've hit over a week of abstinence! It's rare for me to have hit a full week of abstinence from compulsive binge eating.

Last night I received a call from someone who is in their 2nd week of going to overeaters anonymous meetings. I now know why service is one of the tools of recovery. We talked almost exclusively about his recovery, but by the time we got off the phone I felt like I was the one who had become closer to abstinence. He was telling me how he feels hope for the 1st time in his life. And he told me about his new plan for recovery. We talked last night for an 1 hour 20 minutes, after the call I felt closer to God & farther along in my recovery than I have ever felt. I felt strong & refreshed. Mostly I just listened to his excitement about his recovery from a life of overeating, & that in turn made me excited about both of our recovery.

I gave him two pieces of advise last night. One was not to confuse success or failure on a diet with recovery. I have failed following my plan for weight loss but was still able to follow my diet plan for recovery. A diet & recovery are different & shouldn't be confused as the same thing.

He told me one of the tools he was going to implement was to bring his lunch to work to avoid temptations at restaurants. The other advise I gave him was that if he was going out to eat he should figure out what & how much he was going to eat for appetizers, main entrée, & dessert before he got there. That way he didn't have to worry about opening up the menu & seeing all those temptations & trigger foods. Early in my recovery I'd arrive at a restaurant with a VAGUE idea of what I should eat, but once I opened my menu I fell apart. Either I'd see something I knew I should never eat & I ordered it anyway which caused me to to relapse into compulsive binge eating. Or I'd order something that was on my list of foods I could safely eat, but ended up eating too much of it, & eating to much at one meal is one of things that can trigger a binge for me. Adjusting my meal plan at a restaurant even a little bit was often times the 1st step to unraveling my entire recovery. So I suggested he know what he was going to order so that he never even has to open his menu. & also how much he was going to eat before he got there. I've found asking for a to-go box to be brought out at the same time as my meal has helped me stay true to this.

I'm excited about receiving more out reach & crisis calls. I felt amazing afterwards. I suspect I'll be making more than a few outreach phone calls myself the next couple days. 2 of my biggest triggers in my life present will be present:
1) celebration: I relapse most frequently because of celebrating! I'm happy & feel good, so food makes me feel even better.
2) My Mom: She is the biggest trigger in my life. I try & avoid contact with her as much as possible. She's an unhealthy person who is an expert at making me feel unhealthy & unhappy also. She seems to find absolute delight in ignoring & crashing through any boundaries I put up to make myself feel safe around her. Anytime she doesn't like the way anything is going she claims to be a victim & makes others look like abusers when it is all to often the other way around. She's a control freak & I feel unsafe around her, which sends me diving head first into the nearest food. I find comfort, security, peace, & unconditional acceptance from food, which are things I've never felt from her. The only way I'll be able to stay abstinent this weekend is by grace! In the past I've tried every single thing on my own that I possibly could to stay on the wagon when I'm around her & nothing has ever worked. I'm not strong enough to handle her on my own. God knows this & He is willing to help. God loves me where I'm at, but "He" loves me too muchto leave me there. He'll help me if I simply throw myself at His feet. I must try to remember that food doesn't make me ok. Eating doesn't make me safe or secure. I'm not dealing with things when I eat, I'm sedating myself & my feelings. There's no problem that cannot become a crisis and no crisis that cannotbecome a disaster -- if I eat to try to escape it. Only God can turn a messinto a message, so I need to keep my focus on Him this weekend.

I will be at my most vulnerable to my disease this Christmas weekend & I ask for your prayers from you out in blog land.

Dear Jesus give me strength!

day 5 of abstinence

Day 5 of abstinence completed! I'm doing well on the diet & I'm training consistently. Yesterday I completed a 2 hour 30 minute bike ride on my rollers followed by a 35 minute run. I'm hoping to get to the point soon where I feel good enough about myself to no longer be embarrassed about my physique & have the self confidence to ride my bike outdoors.There are a few different kind of food cravings that I experience.


1) real physical hunger. The kind that the body is telling me it needs sustenance.





2) emotional hunger. I'm wanting to eat to sedate emotions. I used to think food was how I dealt with my emotions but I realized this week I'm sedating myself so I don't have to deal with the emotions.





3) & then there's the desire to binge! I always thought these were going to be a life long problem I was going to have to deal with. My sponsor told me a few days ago that they are usually caused by eating my trigger foods & that these desires to eat & eat & eat can be minimized by simply avoiding my trigger foods. She said of course there will still be some of these desires when I see or smell certain trigger foods of mine. But the large part of my cravings will go away once I stop eating those trigger foods of mine. I'm so excited for me to get to that point. On December 15th, my 1st day of abstinence I cut out all sugar, processed foods, & grains. I know this is extreme, but the disease I'm fighting is extreme. Eventually as I learn more skills about my eating disorder I may allow myself to eat some whole grains, but for now they are gone! At this early stage of my recovery I'm better off overly safe than sorry. So I'm only going to eat fruit, veggies, meat, and moderate amounts of nuts until I feel more comfortable with controlling my compulsive eating.

Ironman training

My favorite video of all time.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C0yoz4jAhrQ&feature=player_detailpage

training, storms, stolen blog posts, & OCD

Abstinence day 2 is just about in the books!!!

So please forgive me for stealing things off other peaples blogs, but yesterday I was getting some much needed inspiration from some fellow food addicts blogs & I read this, "I'm a food addict. I want want want. Food is just a weak substitute for what I want. Sometimes, I don't even know what I want. Sometimes, I don't want what i want because it is too scary or so intangible." I read this off the blog PJ's and pounds. I was amazed. I reread this probably 10 times. It moved me. I knew this was exactly what I do.

Friday night we got a pretty big snow storm. But because I had decided to ride my bike earlier in the week, & I'm OCD, I rode my bike to work through feet of snow, snow drifts, & the wind blowing through my bald head. Very cold bald head. Above are a couple pictures of my ride!

Friday I ran 5.5 miles in 65 minutes. My training & eating have been great for 3 days now & I'm pumped up baby!!!! I owe it all to God. He's answering my prayers. I'm so unworthy, & he's so gracious.

abstanence day 2/candle light meeting

Yesterday I completed a 90 minute 25.12 mile bike ride for my training.

Every year here at my OA home they have a candle light OA meeting. This year we had the topic of the promises if we follow the 12 & 12 of OA. 12 individuals each was able to pick a promise & give a 3-5 minute share. Below are the promises. I'll post my share below the promises.

1. We know a new freedom and happiness.

2. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.

3. We will comprehend the word "serenity".

4. We will know peace.

5. We will see how our experiences would benefit others.

6. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.

7. We will lose interest in selfish things.

8. Self-seeking will slip away.

9. Our whole attitude and outlook on life will change.

10. Fear of people and economic insecurity will leave us.

11. We will intuitively know how to handle situations that used to baffle us.

12. We will realize that God is doing for us what we couldn’t do for ourselves.



My promise was #2 We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.



The hardest lesson for me to learn is to be gentle with myself. Every binge I'd beat myself up, I'd punish myself, hate myself. My self loathing & stress over my bingeing caused me to binge even more. Even when I was doing well with my eating I'd be obsessing about my past or future binges.



It wasn't until many months into my program that I realized God put my eating disorder into my life for a reason. It's there to keep my focus on God. When I stop turning to God I end up falling into a binge. If God put this into my life why would I regret it? Regretting & fretting the past causes me to repeat it. Yet ignoring the past will also cause me to repeat it. The only way I can recover is by learning from my failures. Each time I fell off the wagon I try & learn what the causes were.



I should strive for progress not perfection! I've found when I strive for perfection it causes me to procrastinate. Procrastination causes paralysis Looking back I ask myself if I would have done differently if I HAD The chance. "Darn right I would!" But the gift of this promise is the realization that it has been the totality of life experience that has brought me to this stage of my spiritual journey. And I have come to love the man I ha e become & still becoming, having learned to love the lessons (at least eventually) that come with my struggles to live into the fullness of who God made me to be. It would be hard to imagine an addict coming into recovery who does not regret the harm they have caused themselves & others. But these promises are listed not at the beginning of the book, but after the part describing the 9th step, which is "made direct amends to such people that we have harmed wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. If I'm following the 12 step program of recovery I will have made a sincere attempt to do all I can to right any wrongs & move on to forgiveness. If I have committed myself to practicing this spiritual discipline on an ongoing basis, in the context of a relationship with God, I can't see that regret is of much use. At some point I, a recovering addict has to let go of beating up on myself & focus on gratitude for the opportunity to really transform my life for the better.

day 1 of abstinence in the books

I just finished day 1 of abstinence! All I'm focusing on is the next hour & following my eating plan। Then concentrating on the hour after that. I'm praying & turning it over to my Lord. For me my eating disorder is severe, but it's easy for Him to shoulder it, & He's happy to do it for me- & I'm glad to give it to Him!Today's workout was a 60 minute bike ride followed by a 30 minute run. During my workout my sweat smelled awful! It was truly revolting. My sweat smelling bad was a result of my 4 day binge eating. I was eating massive amounts of food that's packed full of salt, sugar, chemicals, preservatives, transfats, hydrogenated oils, etc. If my sweat smelled bad when it came out of my body, I hate to think what the crap I ate was doing to my insides. To my blood vanes, my heart & other organs. It revolting. I want to stop my compulsive overeating. I realize I am powerless over food & that my life has become unmanageable. I realize only God can restore me to sanity & I have made my mind up to turn my will & my entire life over to God.

Addictions are progressive by nature

I haven't posted on my blog in a long time. I didn't stop posting because I'm cured of my binge eating. Quite the opposite really.

In July I was approaching three months abstinence from destructive eating when BAM! I fell off the wagon. I stopped posting from humiliation & embarrassment. Like most addicts, when I get overwhelmed by my disease I hide, become a hermit & cut off as much contact with the world as I can. I didn't want people to see me for what I was becoming yet again.

There's never been any doubt in my mind I'm a compulsive overeater. No one could binge eat like I do & have any doubt. Within 6 weeks from the day I fell off the wagon in late July I had gained 40 pounds. That averages to 6 pounds a week. Wow, that's even hard for me to believe. But the scale doesn't lie. As a matter of a fact the scale is brutally honest. I hate my scale.

This year I trained for triathlons like I had never trained before! I was on top of my diet more than I ever have been able to do before. All year I was impressing everyone who knew me. Everyone who had always known me as a big IE fat triathlete of average speed was amazed with my transformation. I was getting faster & thinner every week & each race the results were even more amazing. From February of 2010 to July 2010 I placed top 10 overall at triathlons multiple times & top 5 overall in 3!

In September I was scheduled for my last A race of the year. By then I had gained a ton of weight, but I was still fast. I knew even though I was weighing in the mid 220's I would tear that course up! The night before the race I put on my racing uniform & saw myself in the mirror. Not a pretty sight. I had more than an ample belly & a massive butt! They both jiggled like a bowl full of Jell-O just from walking. What would it look like when I ran? I knew what it would look like, & I wasn't willing to humiliate myself like that regardless of how many hours I had trained for that race. That night I unpacked my race bags, took my bike off my roof rack, & sedated my feelings with massive amounts of food. I wanted to race so bad. I deserved to race. But how could I show up to a race that all my friends were at with me looking like that? Having those same people there who had been amazed by my weight loss, then to see me put on a years worth of weight loss on in a little over a month was more than I could tolerate.I had been triathlon training daily since 2004. It was helping me fight my obesity & minimize my overeating behaviors. This was the 1st time in 6 years I had stopped training. Why did I stop? Humiliation. I was embarrassed my neighbors, friends, family, or co-workers would see me jiggling & shaking as I ran. Remember the dance Chunk was forced to do on 1980's hit movie The Goonies? Ya that would be me, only worse. I wasn't willing to bike either because my butt was so big no one could see my bike seat, it looked like my ass swallowed it.

Since then my weight gain has slowed down slightly, but I'm still gaining. I'm about 235 now. My size regular work pants don't fit anymore & I can barely move in my size X-large. Tomorrow I am going to a specialty store to buy a pair of XX-large pants. I have to get them from a specialty store because there aren't many in law enforcement officers that get as fat as I am right now.

I'm hoping this is my rock bottom. I'm hoping everything will get better from here. I tried to motivate myself by buying a slot to an out of state 70.3 that is scheduled for April 2011 & an out of state Ironman scheduled for November 2011. I chose races that are at least a 12 hour drive from my home because one of my 2 greatest fears is being seen in my current state of obesity by anyone I know or love. I'm far enough into my disease right now that I'll only leave the house for work, to pick up my daughter from school, & for church. I won't even go to the grocery store for fear of being seen in my new Jabba the Hutt physique. -BTW my biggest fear is that I continue to progress in my disease to the point where I'm living a life of total isolation, wearing a moomoo, & have a dozen cat's as my only friends who's only mistake was getting caught in my massive gravitational pull- anyway, back to my triathlon training for my upcoming races. I'm in my 5th week of working out. Do to my embarrassment I will only ride my bike on my indoor trainer, & I'll only run on an isolated dirt trail not far from my house- but dang it I'm training again!

So this is my story thus far. I'm hoping this is the part of my story that I start my recovery from my compulsive overeating, where I start a long & continuous career in triathlon, & that my Lord Jesus Christ hears my pleas for help & saves me from sinking any further into my addiction.I'll be posting regularly from here on out. It'll help me stay accountable & dedicated. Perhaps me posting my story of attempting recovery will help someone else with the same problem. Or perhaps it'll help others who don't have an eating problem understand. I thank you for tuning in, without knowing it you are instrumental in my recovery.

the over eating has subsided

Great news, after almost 2 months of manic over eating it's finally mellowed. I'm not sure what caused the binge eating. Usually it takes some kind of stress in my life. Nothing I know of was really stressing my out.

Regardless, the overeating has subsided. Couldn't come at a better time. I have my next race in a few weeks. It's a great race in New Mexico called the Polar Bear triathlon. For an off season, reverse triathlon a lot of really tough competition shows to this race. Should be fun!

My training has been doing great!!! I've been consistent with my running & cycling, I'm making great speed gains in spite of the weight gain. My swimming is getting gradually better. I need to be more consistent getting to the pool though.

All in all I'm very happy & everything seems to mellowing out & coming together.