mourning sucks

I've always been able to cut people out of my heart and out of my life easily. The moment I feel like I'm in danger of getting hurt, or things are becoming too difficult I simply drop them out of my life. Last night I realized one of the reasons my eating has been so out of control is that I miss my Dad. He was only back in my life for a little more than a year, but during that year I thoroughly enjoyed the visits, the phone calls, etc. It was wonderful feeling loved and wanted by a parent, that's not something I've had much of in my life. When my Dad disappeared again last month, it hurt me. Usually I could just slam my heart shut, but I can't this time. I wish I could give my Dad what he needs to be content with me, my wife, and my children. I wish he wanted to be in my life half as much as I want him in mine. I think of him daily. I miss him, and I love him. I've never allowed anyone to effect me this way before. I think the feeling I'm having is.... mourning. It hurts. I don't like it.

Today I was planning on eating healthy and going on a run. I ate healthy, I didn't binge. I missed the run, but I feel getting my eating under control is the most important thing, and I did that. Tomorrow morning I'll be going to an OA meeting and then going to church. This'll be the first time I've done either in a long time. Hopefully I'll still be abstinent from binge eating and start running and biking again on Monday. I weighed in at 236 this morning. I cant believe earlier this year I weighed 175.

I had an old blogger buddy comment on yesterdays blog post. He convinced me to go and race this weekend. I'll be humiliated racing at my current weight, but I know I'll feel better for having raced. I shouldn't give up on myself because of the possibility of being judged or mocked. Thanks couch potato to Ironman, I appreciate the support.