relapse imminent

After almost 3 months of not going to any OA meetings I've come very close to falling off the wagon & ruining my 8 months of abstinence. The last 3 days I've ate a little more calories than I had planned on my food log each day. A few meals I've changed at the last minute & ate something completely different than I'd planned. I'm perilously close to falling off the wagon. Yesterday I didn't eat the lunch I'd planned, instead I ate some take out my wife had been saving. Her feelings were hurt that I ate something she had been saving & asked me not to eat. Unfortunately she's seen me like this many times before. It's not pretty. I don't make moral or honest decisions when I relapse.

I seem to fall off the wagon around 3 months before any of my big priority triathlons, & I have Ironman Arizona in 13 weeks. I cant count the times I've fallen off the wagon & gained 50-70 pounds before a big race. Happens every time!

I haven't worked out 2 days in a row, I've not followed my food plan 3 days in a row. My working out & eating are conected somehow. When I fall off the wagon with my food I stop working out. If I take too many days off from triathlon training I fall off the wagon with my eating.

I went to an OA meeting yesterday & found a long time OA member who is a christian & I asked him to be my sponsor. He gave me my 1st assignment. I got up to step 7 with my last sponsor a little less than a year ago so my new sponsor's having me read from the big book up to step 4. We're fast forwarding to step 4 because he knows I have a strong relationship with Jesus.

on my way

Yesterday we celebrated my middle child's birthday. My mother and father who have been divorced since I was 2 years old were both at the party. This was the 1st time they were together at a function for my children. I was stressed. Before my kids were born if something bad happened between them I could handle it because I'd dealt with them squabbling my whole life, I was used to it. But it was different yesterday. I want more than that for my babies. Some how, some way everything turned out ok & my sons birthday party was a success. The 1 big mistake of the day was I worried about it rather than praying & asking God for help. I should have put it on His shoulders, He's strong enough to handle those kinds of things, I'm not.

All the worry & stress I was going through triggered me & I overate on pizza. I went about 1000 calories over what I had on my food plan. I believe God had me come so close to falling off the wagon last night to motivate me to go back to OA meetings. After I write this I'll be on my way to my 1st OA meeting in 8 months. I'll be picking up my 8 month chip. That will be exciting!

is it them or my addiction that's the problem?

To give those who follow my blog an update, I still haven't found a sponsor, & to top it off I've stopped going to meetings. The last few times I've gone to the meetings there has been comments from people that was down right Jesus bashing. I understand not everyone believes as I do. I try to be sensitive to others & their beliefs, but there seems to be a real anti-Jesus sentiment here in Santa Fe. The 1st couple times I heard those comments in OA meetings I tried to just ignore them & stay strong in my faith & abstinence. The last comment I heard that was the proverbial straw was, "I'm tired of getting a face full of Jesus."

It was more than I could take, so I left the meeting and haven't been back. I've stayed strong in my recovery without the meetings & a sponsor, I'll hit 8 months abstinence this week & I've maintained my weight for the 1st time in my adult life! I went through a 3 month stretch where my staying strong with my recovery was easy. It was like breathing, I could do it without thinking. But I'm struggling more & more. I'm finding myself obsessing about food again. I'll eat a little more at meals than my food plan allowed, I'd then try to make up for it by eating less the next day to make up for the extra calories I'd ate the day before. I seem to be going up & down in my eating & my food obsessions. I'm afraid I'm perilously close to going back to my days of food insanity. Binge, diet, binge diet. Sometimes the pattern would flop back to the high or low in 3 month intervals, sometimes withing hours.... Gaining 50 pounds in 2 months, taking 6 months to lose it.... I don't want that life again, but I'll always be an addict. I'll always struggle, I'm afraid I'll always be in pain. It's painful to see others eat my trigger foods in moderation & see them enjoy it & not use it to destroy themselves like I end up doing. I wish I could eat, enjoy it and move on... I can't. If I eat it I become an addict in the worst possible way. I binge eat to the point where I over load my kidneys. I'm getting closer to that person lost in my addiction since I am not aggressively pursuing my recovery. I now to do some real self inventory very soon or I'll end up relapsing: Am I staying away from meetings because they are insulting my God or is it my addiction being cunning & forcing me back into isolation? Is it them or my addiction that's the problem?

Thanks for listening. I wont take as long to post again. scouts honor...

2 months 3 weeks & 6 days abstinent & I'm in trouble

I've made it farther into abstinence than I ever have. Tomorrow I earn my 3 month chip. At least I should...... I'm not sure I'll make it. I've been obsessing about food most of the last 2 weeks. My definition of abstinence is to avoid a pattern of compulsive eating. Today during lunch was the first time I didn't follow my food plan. I didn't go crazy, I ate 1 P & B sandwich, 2 gum balls, & 4 3/8 oz goldfish more than I should have. Usually a small amount during 1 meal over what I should have ate is the breaking point. Once I do that I'm usually completely unable to eat in moderation. By unable to eat in moderation I mean binge eating so severe that I'll completely wreck my families finances from the amount of food I'll buy & eat in a week or less. Ten thousand calories a day would be a moderate day of binging. Sometimes these binges last weeks, but sometimes they last much longer. My binges have lasted a year and a half before. I'm afraid. If I can pull myself together by dinner I may have a chance, but I've never made it past 2 meals of eating unplanned food before. God help me.

3 weeks ago I started reading a book called "understanding the borderline mother." It explains my mother perfectly, I've realized she has borderline personality disorder. On one hand the book was very healing because I was able to realize that my mother's actions & treatment of me wasn't my fault. I also realized her actions aren't because she's mean or evil, it's because she's sick. It was good for me to learn about her problem & to learn some of how to deal with her, but on the other hand it stated clearly in the book that there's no cure for her borderline personality. She will be that way forever.

Recently my wife & I had started going to counseling to try & fix some of the problems between my Mother & us. No matter what my wife or I said my mother twisted what we said or lied about what was said. Unfortunately I learned counseling was futile. There's no fixing her & there's no changing her. I have a choice to make, I can either except her for who she is & what she does or I can cut her out of my life. I'd prefer a life without her, but my wife & church councilor is saying I should keep a relationship with her & just try my best to avoid giving her ammunition to use against me when she gets angry & tries to slander my wife & I, which is what she always does anytime anyone disagrees with her no matter how small the issue it is. In her mind a person is either all for her or against her & she plays dirty when she goes to war against someone.

The good news is now I know & understand her, the bad news is that since I started reading this book I stopped pretty much all my eating recovery. I hadn't gone to an OA meeting in 3 weeks. I haven't worked on any of the 12 steps or done any writings in 3 weeks. & I haven't been able to get a hold of my sponsor, but only half of those missed phone calls were my fault.

Somehow I have been able to stay abstinent & not fall back into a pattern of destructive eating. I believe most of that was because I kept a decent relationship with Christ. Also because I have a very strong food plan that I got into the habit of doing without fail.

This last weekend my wife & I went to Pagosa Springs Colorado for the weekend. That was the 1st time we were able to get away without our kids in over 4 years. Usually being away from home, work, etc will throw me into binge eating. Celebration is also a huge trigger for me, this weekend was both. But I was able to continue my abstinence. I'm now 2 weeks away from hitting 3 months abstinence. I've never hit 3 months before.

I will start working the 12 steps & writings again tonight. Thank God that God is with me, other wise this would have been a horrible 3 weeks of binging & weight gain.

Christmas & kidney failure

Against all odds I was able to stay abstinent during the Holidays. It wasn't a perfect abstinence, but I followed my definition of abstinence. I thought that was a huge victory for me, but I've realized I have a problem. I realized my definition of abstinence is way to lenient. My definition of abstinence currently is: Abstaining from a pattern of binge eating & completely abstaining from my trigger foods which are cake, chocolate, pies, pastries, & most especially ICE CREAM!!!!

Following my definition of abstinence I still overate on just about every meal during the entire Christmas week. I never binged, but I overate none the less. I also grazed on foods when I wasn't hungry. I realized this is inappropriate & I need a more stringent definition of my food abstinence.

One of the things that can trigger a binge for me is eating to much at one meal. I don't know why, but eating more than I need at even a single meal sends me running to bingeland fast! I overate on every single meal all weekend long! I wanted to binge yet I didn't have nearly the desire to do so that overeating normally triggers in me. I believe it was my prayers & God who was taking away my unavoidable need to binge. There's no other way to explain me walking such a slippery slope & still able to be successful! God was there for me. He was there to make me successful when I was too weak to do so on my own.

This morning I realized another reason for my need of a more stringent food plan & definition of abstinence. When I got off work and before I went to sleep I ate 3 pieces of pizza. I wasn't hungry, but I ate them anyway! This was a HUGE no-no because I was using food to relax, to wind down from work, & for stress relief. I use food to avoid dealing with my problems, stress, & emotions, that's my M.O. Essentially I am using a substance to avoid dealing with my life. Call me crazy, but isn't that what addicts do? Um, ya, I'm an addict! I know for a fact it's a good thing my drug of choice is food because if it was drugs or alcohol I'd be dead of an over dose long ago!


Avoiding the feelings that come with life is not ok with me. I need to learn to deal with my feelings. Avoiding life is not living. Not to mention when I binge I do it to such an extreme I've started to have signs that I'm overloading my kidneys. If I continue my binge eating I'll have kidney failure before I'm 40. No, I'm not exaggerating. I've been having problems with my kidneys when I binge eat. Most compulsive overeaters my age (mid 30's) know long term health problems will pop up if they continue their food habits. Things such as clogged arteries, heart attacks, & diabetes. My eating disorder is threatening to kill me in the short term, & kidney failure is a painful way to die. I have 3 children under the age of 6. I have to learn to deal with life & my eating disorder or my children will grow up without a Dad. My wife would have to start working full time at least, & probably 2 jobs to support them, so they'd essentially lose both parents. One to death, the other would become an absentee parent from working so much & it would all be my fault. This is not ok. I have to beat this, & I need to do it soon. I'll be praying for God to help, but this is, in my mind an emergency situation here, so if any of you out there in blog land are willing to pray for me, I'd be forever grateful.

service for recovery & celebration is my trigger

Yesterday I completed 9 days of abstinence & completed an 82 minute bicycle ride! It feels so good to be able to say I've hit over a week of abstinence! It's rare for me to have hit a full week of abstinence from compulsive binge eating.

Last night I received a call from someone who is in their 2nd week of going to overeaters anonymous meetings. I now know why service is one of the tools of recovery. We talked almost exclusively about his recovery, but by the time we got off the phone I felt like I was the one who had become closer to abstinence. He was telling me how he feels hope for the 1st time in his life. And he told me about his new plan for recovery. We talked last night for an 1 hour 20 minutes, after the call I felt closer to God & farther along in my recovery than I have ever felt. I felt strong & refreshed. Mostly I just listened to his excitement about his recovery from a life of overeating, & that in turn made me excited about both of our recovery.

I gave him two pieces of advise last night. One was not to confuse success or failure on a diet with recovery. I have failed following my plan for weight loss but was still able to follow my diet plan for recovery. A diet & recovery are different & shouldn't be confused as the same thing.

He told me one of the tools he was going to implement was to bring his lunch to work to avoid temptations at restaurants. The other advise I gave him was that if he was going out to eat he should figure out what & how much he was going to eat for appetizers, main entrée, & dessert before he got there. That way he didn't have to worry about opening up the menu & seeing all those temptations & trigger foods. Early in my recovery I'd arrive at a restaurant with a VAGUE idea of what I should eat, but once I opened my menu I fell apart. Either I'd see something I knew I should never eat & I ordered it anyway which caused me to to relapse into compulsive binge eating. Or I'd order something that was on my list of foods I could safely eat, but ended up eating too much of it, & eating to much at one meal is one of things that can trigger a binge for me. Adjusting my meal plan at a restaurant even a little bit was often times the 1st step to unraveling my entire recovery. So I suggested he know what he was going to order so that he never even has to open his menu. & also how much he was going to eat before he got there. I've found asking for a to-go box to be brought out at the same time as my meal has helped me stay true to this.

I'm excited about receiving more out reach & crisis calls. I felt amazing afterwards. I suspect I'll be making more than a few outreach phone calls myself the next couple days. 2 of my biggest triggers in my life present will be present:
1) celebration: I relapse most frequently because of celebrating! I'm happy & feel good, so food makes me feel even better.
2) My Mom: She is the biggest trigger in my life. I try & avoid contact with her as much as possible. She's an unhealthy person who is an expert at making me feel unhealthy & unhappy also. She seems to find absolute delight in ignoring & crashing through any boundaries I put up to make myself feel safe around her. Anytime she doesn't like the way anything is going she claims to be a victim & makes others look like abusers when it is all to often the other way around. She's a control freak & I feel unsafe around her, which sends me diving head first into the nearest food. I find comfort, security, peace, & unconditional acceptance from food, which are things I've never felt from her. The only way I'll be able to stay abstinent this weekend is by grace! In the past I've tried every single thing on my own that I possibly could to stay on the wagon when I'm around her & nothing has ever worked. I'm not strong enough to handle her on my own. God knows this & He is willing to help. God loves me where I'm at, but "He" loves me too muchto leave me there. He'll help me if I simply throw myself at His feet. I must try to remember that food doesn't make me ok. Eating doesn't make me safe or secure. I'm not dealing with things when I eat, I'm sedating myself & my feelings. There's no problem that cannot become a crisis and no crisis that cannotbecome a disaster -- if I eat to try to escape it. Only God can turn a messinto a message, so I need to keep my focus on Him this weekend.

I will be at my most vulnerable to my disease this Christmas weekend & I ask for your prayers from you out in blog land.

Dear Jesus give me strength!

day 5 of abstinence

Day 5 of abstinence completed! I'm doing well on the diet & I'm training consistently. Yesterday I completed a 2 hour 30 minute bike ride on my rollers followed by a 35 minute run. I'm hoping to get to the point soon where I feel good enough about myself to no longer be embarrassed about my physique & have the self confidence to ride my bike outdoors.There are a few different kind of food cravings that I experience.


1) real physical hunger. The kind that the body is telling me it needs sustenance.





2) emotional hunger. I'm wanting to eat to sedate emotions. I used to think food was how I dealt with my emotions but I realized this week I'm sedating myself so I don't have to deal with the emotions.





3) & then there's the desire to binge! I always thought these were going to be a life long problem I was going to have to deal with. My sponsor told me a few days ago that they are usually caused by eating my trigger foods & that these desires to eat & eat & eat can be minimized by simply avoiding my trigger foods. She said of course there will still be some of these desires when I see or smell certain trigger foods of mine. But the large part of my cravings will go away once I stop eating those trigger foods of mine. I'm so excited for me to get to that point. On December 15th, my 1st day of abstinence I cut out all sugar, processed foods, & grains. I know this is extreme, but the disease I'm fighting is extreme. Eventually as I learn more skills about my eating disorder I may allow myself to eat some whole grains, but for now they are gone! At this early stage of my recovery I'm better off overly safe than sorry. So I'm only going to eat fruit, veggies, meat, and moderate amounts of nuts until I feel more comfortable with controlling my compulsive eating.