looking for a new motivation

For me working out and eating are intimately connected. When I'm training regularly it's easier for me to avoid binge eating. When I don't workout regularly I am usually binge eating. Since 2004 I've kept myself motivated and my eating somewhat under control with triathlon. A couple years ago I got ran over by a vehicle while cycling and since then I've been too afraid to bike and I've been gaining weight so quickly it's frightening. I'm currently 275 pounds, 100 pounds heavier than when I got ran over while cycling. Because of the weight gain I'm starting to have problems breathing when I sleep. My step dad had sleep apnea, and I'm pretty sure I'm in the beginning stages of what I saw him go through. I'm only 37 years old. Sleep apnea killed him in 2006. Scary huh.

I've finally come to the conclusion that I need to give up on my dreams of getting back into triathlon. I'm too heavy to run without destroying my body, I get too freaked out when I bike on the road, and I'd certainly crush my carbon fiber bike if I tried to ride it on the indoor trainer. I need to find something else to fill the void of triathlon. I definitely can't workout at a gym or run on a treadmill. I need to TRAIN! The difference between working out and training is when someone trains they are preparing for a competition. I love to compete. Competition fuels me and makes me motivated like nothing else can. The only other sport I can think of that I could get into that has competitions and doesn't involve riding a bike is Olympic weight lifting. Olympic weight lifting would be great for me because there are weight divisions and to be competitive I'd need to get into the lowest weight division possible.

I contacted the local Olympic weight lifting coach here in Santa Fe. There is a chance he wont call back or wont let me train with him. He rents a space from a local CrossFit gym that I used to workout at. I ended up canceling my membership with the CrossFit gym, and I'm afraid the Olympic weight lifting coach wont want me to train with him for fear of causing hurt feelings with the owner of the CrossFit gym. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that the owner of the CrossFit gym will be ok with me switching over to the other business under his roof.

In the last 2 years I haven't gone more than a day or two without binge eating. I still haven't got another 12 step sponsor, gone to any OA meetings, made outreach phone calls, or found a sport to be dedicated to, and until I do I will continue to struggle with my eating.

goal weight

Many ages ago my 1st sponsor told me I needed to decide what my ultimate goal weight is. After 2 years I have finally decided what my goal weight will be: 177 pounds! I'll start trying to drop more weight after I complete Ironman Arizona in November. Right now I weigh aproximately 182.

relapse imminent

After almost 3 months of not going to any OA meetings I've come very close to falling off the wagon & ruining my 8 months of abstinence. The last 3 days I've ate a little more calories than I had planned on my food log each day. A few meals I've changed at the last minute & ate something completely different than I'd planned. I'm perilously close to falling off the wagon. Yesterday I didn't eat the lunch I'd planned, instead I ate some take out my wife had been saving. Her feelings were hurt that I ate something she had been saving & asked me not to eat. Unfortunately she's seen me like this many times before. It's not pretty. I don't make moral or honest decisions when I relapse.

I seem to fall off the wagon around 3 months before any of my big priority triathlons, & I have Ironman Arizona in 13 weeks. I cant count the times I've fallen off the wagon & gained 50-70 pounds before a big race. Happens every time!

I haven't worked out 2 days in a row, I've not followed my food plan 3 days in a row. My working out & eating are conected somehow. When I fall off the wagon with my food I stop working out. If I take too many days off from triathlon training I fall off the wagon with my eating.

I went to an OA meeting yesterday & found a long time OA member who is a christian & I asked him to be my sponsor. He gave me my 1st assignment. I got up to step 7 with my last sponsor a little less than a year ago so my new sponsor's having me read from the big book up to step 4. We're fast forwarding to step 4 because he knows I have a strong relationship with Jesus.

stopping my weight loss, maintenance time

I've decided to maintain my current weight for at least a few weeks even though I'm only 2.5 pounds away from my goal weight of 190. I'm seeing signs that my body is no longer content being on a calorie restricted diet. I feel weak & am not training well. At last weekends race I felt slow & unable to push myself as hard I'm usually able to. The biggest sign I'm seeing is MY HUNGER!

I've been losing an average of 1.5 to 1.75 pounds a week since January. I wasn't restricting my calories enough to feel that hungry, but gradually the hunger has been building, & yesterday I was hungry enough that I was very unpleasant to be around. I've had this happen before: I'd get close to a goal weight and I'd ignore my bodies warning signs. Then I'd end up falling off the wagon & gaining most or all of my weight back. So this time I'm not going to ignore my body. Even though I'm only 2.5 to 3 pounds away from my goal weight, I'm going to do what my body's telling me it needs. This time I'm not so focused on the short term that I end up destroying my long term goal. I'm going to let my body recover & start to feel good again. Perhaps I'll try to drop the extra 3 pounds in late May or early June. If I decide to, it will be because my body feels great & I know it's ready & able to. If I feel that my body isn't ready, I won't. This more moderate approach to dieting is something I've never done before, which probably explains why I've always shown up to my Ironman triathlons over weight. The only thing that has held me back from finishing an Iron distance triathlon in under 13 hours has been my weight. Hopefully this November I'll show up to Ironman Arizona between 180-200 pounds & break that elusive 13 hour mark!

day 1 training for Ironman Arizona!

I went to my 1st OA meeting in a couple weeks. I got my 4 month chip. It felt great. I'm promising myself that I'll hit at least 1 meeting a week from here on out. Not only do I feel better after the meeting, but I'm going to need the extra help for the next 7 months.

Today was my 1st day of a 7 month training program for Ironman Arizona. I'm so excited, but I'm also frightened. Training for Ironman distance triathlon causes massive problems with my eating.

1)I know light is fast, so I try & get to as low of a body weight I can handle. When I get to low it makes me hungrier, which all to often throws me into a binge.

2) the massive training load for an Iron distance triathlon stresses the body out physically, emotionally, & even spiritually. In times of stress I tend to binge.

3) The training makes me tired, which makes me want to binge for comfort.

4) The massive amounts of training needed for an Ironman makes me HUNGRY! The amazing hunger that can accompany Ironman training can make me rationalize eating in ways that are destructive to my abstinence.

5) The 2 months before my Ironman I start to get worried, excited, nervous, etc, which makes me binge.


The last time I trained exclusively for an Ironman my body weight shot from 204 in September to 237 on race day in November. The Year before that I shot up from 187 in July to 250 in November.

I'm very excited to be training for an Ironman. My dream is to go sub 12 hours someday, which I believe I could do IF I'm able to show up on race day weighing under 190 pounds. But since I'm a compulsive binge eater that's a mighty big IF!!! & by the way, if you know of any endurance athletes who have an eating disorder & are available to become a sponsor, please send them my way!

Thanks for tuning in, you are helping in my recovery.

weight, triathlon, sponsor, sci-fi, and other things on my mind

I'm a couple weeks away from hitting the 5 month mark of abstinence from compulsive binge eating. I'm following a strict food plan, following my definition of abstinence, & staying strong with my Lord God. Those are the only things keeping me on the wagon because I'm not working the steps, nor do I have a sponsor. I haven't even started looking for another sponsor. If I see another compulsive over eater who is or was an endurance athlete and is looking for a sponoree I'd jump at the opportunity, but the likely hood of that happening are as good as me qualiying for Kona. As promised I'm going to start looking for a sponsor once I've read the Star Wars books that's been released & I haven't read. Since my sponsor & I parted ways I've read The Old republic & the 1st & 2nd of the Darth Bane series. I need to finish the 3rd of the Darth Bane series, & the Fate of the Jedi series. Anyways, enough of my nerdiness & my excuses of not actively looking for another sponsor.

My weight is now 197 pounds. I'm 7 pounds away from my goal weight of 190. 190 isn't my "dream" weight, but it's the weight I'm shooting to get to for now. I'm planning on maintaining 190 until September, then I'm hoping to drop down to my dream weight of 180 by Ironman Arizona in November. I'm very excited about reaching my goal weight (190). I've been dieting since January. For the last three & a half months I've been cutting 1000 calories a day from my diet and have lost 38 pounds! I'm now 4 weeks from my goal. Once I reach my goal I'll be able to start eating my metabolic rate, which right now is 3,200 calories a day- I love triathlon training! It makes my metabolism run hot like a fine oiled machine!

I raced this weekend. I pushed myself hard the entire race. One of the best efforts I've ever had, but my time wasn't anywhere near the time I finished with last year at the same race. Last year I didn't have the focus or drive that I did this year. The difference between last years time & this years slower time is my weight. I'm 10 pounds heavier. I'm still searching to find a balance between getting to as low of a weight as I can without binging. The lighter I get, the hungrier I am all the time, if I get too hungry I end up binge eating. It's a balancing act I've yet to learn to balance. Last year I got down to 184 pounds before I fell off the wagon, I then shot up tp 235 pounds in a couple months. So I'm hoping if I stop trying to lose weight once I get to 190 pounds, I can maintain that weight until September. Then in September drop to 180 & maintain 180 forever. I'll keep you posted on how it goes. Thanks for tuning in, you are instrumental in my recovery!

another race, another few mile stones.

Amazingly I'm still abstinent! 111 days! 9 days until I hit 4 months! I competed in a triathlon this weekend, ran 7:36 minute miles for 3.2 miles, averaged 19 mph on a 15.5 mile bike, and a 10:30 500 meter swim. 5th place AG, 33rd overall out of 250. I'm weighing 201 pounds, down 34 since Jan 1st!!! I fit into a large work pants for the 1st time since last Aug! Happy happy joy joy!!!

easy big guy!

This weekend I competed in a triathlon. I had a blast! Racing always motivates me to stay on course with my workouts & diet. With my OCD I have to be careful though. I have a tendency to go over board and start pushing myself way to hard on both accounts. Most triathletes who aren't naturally thin time their weight loss to be at the lowest they can get for a particular race, then gain a little weight during their off season. Last year I got a little overzealous, I trained & dieted to hard for way way to long! I got down to 184 pounds at %8.5 body fat. I felt ok at 184 pounds for awhile, but once my body had enough I lost control in a huge way! In a little over 2 months I lost my abstinence & gained 51 pounds. Ouch. I'm trying to stay focused this year on 2 main goals: big numero uno is my abstinence! This is what I care most about. My 2nd goal is to try and get triathlon thin for my Ironman this year. I believe these 2 goals are not exclusive of each other. I'm thinking if I can get down to 190 pounds by May (I feel great at that weight & can stay at 190 forever without problems), then maintain that weight until September 1st, then try & get down to my dream race weight of 180-185 pounds by race day. I think (hope) that 10 weeks will give me enough time to lose the weight slowly and comfortably so I don't get overly hungry, which can make a person overeat. Overeating for a normal person may not be a big deal. In a meal or two they are back to "normal" and able to asses what may have happened & what to do about it. A food addict like me may not be able to get back on the wagon for months or years. I know, I've been there many times! I desperately want to avoid becoming out of control with my eating, but I also desperately want to be a fast Iron distance triathlete, and in triathlon light is fast. If I'm over weight at a race I'm slow, but if I go to over board with my dieting then I fall off the wagon and gain 100 pounds- I've done it. I need to do some praying on this & be honest with myself when I'm in the process of dropping that last 10 pounds or I'll regret it in huge way! Anyone know any endurance athletes who are looking to be an OA sponsor? If so point them my way. I'd really like to find a sponsor who understands the endurance athletes life style while also understanding the compulsive over eaters life style. With how prevalent food disorders are in endurance sports there has to be someone out there who could help me balance both simultaneously.