an olympic weight lifting coach

Great news! I talked to the Olympic weight lifting coach here in Santa Fe and I'll start training with him on Monday! I'm very excited. I've been dreaming of Olympic weight lifting for almost a year now, and this coach is a top notch coach. He has numerous athlete's who are world record holders.

Since I've been completely sedentary for the last few months he's going to have me working exclusively on partial lifts. If after a couple weeks I seem to be responding well to the partial lifts he'll move me into the next phase. My first goal is to drop down to the heavyweight division which is 206 to 231 pounds. This morning I weighed in at 280 pounds which means I'm in the super heavyweight division of 232 pounds and above.

Since I'll start training on Monday I'm going to go to an OA meeting today to try and get my eating under control. Like I said, my first goal is to get into the heavy weight division which means I need to lose 48 pounds. I can't do that without OA meetings, phone calls, prayer, a sponsor, and God!

I'll keep you updated on how things go.

looking for a new motivation

For me working out and eating are intimately connected. When I'm training regularly it's easier for me to avoid binge eating. When I don't workout regularly I am usually binge eating. Since 2004 I've kept myself motivated and my eating somewhat under control with triathlon. A couple years ago I got ran over by a vehicle while cycling and since then I've been too afraid to bike and I've been gaining weight so quickly it's frightening. I'm currently 275 pounds, 100 pounds heavier than when I got ran over while cycling. Because of the weight gain I'm starting to have problems breathing when I sleep. My step dad had sleep apnea, and I'm pretty sure I'm in the beginning stages of what I saw him go through. I'm only 37 years old. Sleep apnea killed him in 2006. Scary huh.

I've finally come to the conclusion that I need to give up on my dreams of getting back into triathlon. I'm too heavy to run without destroying my body, I get too freaked out when I bike on the road, and I'd certainly crush my carbon fiber bike if I tried to ride it on the indoor trainer. I need to find something else to fill the void of triathlon. I definitely can't workout at a gym or run on a treadmill. I need to TRAIN! The difference between working out and training is when someone trains they are preparing for a competition. I love to compete. Competition fuels me and makes me motivated like nothing else can. The only other sport I can think of that I could get into that has competitions and doesn't involve riding a bike is Olympic weight lifting. Olympic weight lifting would be great for me because there are weight divisions and to be competitive I'd need to get into the lowest weight division possible.

I contacted the local Olympic weight lifting coach here in Santa Fe. There is a chance he wont call back or wont let me train with him. He rents a space from a local CrossFit gym that I used to workout at. I ended up canceling my membership with the CrossFit gym, and I'm afraid the Olympic weight lifting coach wont want me to train with him for fear of causing hurt feelings with the owner of the CrossFit gym. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that the owner of the CrossFit gym will be ok with me switching over to the other business under his roof.

In the last 2 years I haven't gone more than a day or two without binge eating. I still haven't got another 12 step sponsor, gone to any OA meetings, made outreach phone calls, or found a sport to be dedicated to, and until I do I will continue to struggle with my eating.

The 2013 Santa Fe triathlon

I'm washing 2 years of dirt off of my road bike. I'll be competing in the Santa Fe triathlon tomorrow morning. It's only a sprint triathlon, but ANY triathlon will hurt since I haven't trained at all in two years. Tomorrow is a race to celebrate being impulsive and unprepared, but doing it anyways.

I'm choosing to race on my road bike instead of my triathlon bike because I'm currently tipping the scales at 266 pounds and I'm relatively sure I'd crush my carbon framed tri bike.

 

Because of my weight and how I look I'm embarrassed about racing tomorrow. But I"m doing it, and that's all that matters.

 

Tomorrow's triathlon will be my 85th multisport race. I'm still working to hit my goal of finishing 100 triathlons and duathlons someday. Back in my heyday I was averaging 16 multisport races, a half dozen running races, and a few centuries a year, so 15 shouldn't be that hard.

in gods time

I've been binging consistently for a year and a half. In the last year and a half I've gained 90 pounds, I've stopped going to church, I've stopped going to meetings, I've stopped making phone calls to other overeaters for help, I've stopped reading the bible, I haven't ran or biked in over two years. I've been lazy. In between work shifts I just sit in my lazy boy chair eating, not working out. This isn't rock bottom, but its uncomfortable enough that I want to change. I've gone to two meetings this week. It felt great. Next what I need to do is find a sponsor and start working the steps with. I've tried 4 different sponsors. 3 of them I didn't make any progress with, but one of them I made GREAT gains with. I've been searching for another sponsor that has what I'm looking for. during this process of searching I'm getting fatter and more desperate. Then this morning an old OA friend was at the meeting and announced he's available for sponsoring. Shortly after than I saw this picture and it made me feel better. I know, I'm not searching for a love story, I'm searching for a sponsor, a relationship with god, and a healthy relationship with food. But it made me feel better anyways.

God and I

Somewhere around a year and a half to two years ago, back when I was on the wagon, I hit 9 months of abstinence from binge eating, I lost 120 pounds, and was at my dream weight. I realized now that one of the reasons I fell off the wagon was that my goals were all wrong. My main goals were that I wanted to hit my goal weight and rack up as many days of abstinence from binge eating as I could. I was willing to pray and develop a relationship with God if it meant accomplishing my goals. It should have been that my relationship with my god should have come in first in my list of priorities above and beyon days of abstinance, a dream weight, and being a fast triathlete. A couple days ago I started going to meetings, reading the bible, praying, and writing again.

I did a writing that asked, "write the similarities between your heavenly father and your earthly father". I was horrified by what I wrote. I wrote things like, "both are very harsh and quick to anger if I don't do what he wants."
  "They are quick to punish."
  "It's almost impossible to be the person they expect me to be." "It's better to be out of sight and out of mind than to be seen and be a disappointment."
   "And that I'm an annoyance to him when I need help or am struggling."

Somewhere in side of me I know that isn't who God really is. But I'm having a difficult time convincing myself that he loves me ALL the time. That he's kind and gentle. That he wants to there for me. He will be gentle in his dealings with me when I need to lean on him. God actually wants to be a part of my life, he has enough patience and time for me. He won't turn on me like mean dog when I start to feel comfortable in our relationship.

For some reason I don't trust god yet. I'm afraid of him. The problem is me, not him. But I don't know how to fix me.

the countdown starts.... yesterday

After almost 2 years of searching for something to fill the spot of triathlon I've finally found something I'm excited about. I'm going to try my hand at olympic weightlifting! My 1s t event will be in Sept. The one in Sept I'm doing just for fun. I wont be trying to throw around big weights or impress anyone. I'll just be trying to get some experience and have some fun. My 2nd olympic weightlifting competition will be held in early November. Not only will I be taking the 2nd event more seriously, I'm hoping to no longer be a super heavy weight. I need to weight 230 pounds or less to no longer be a super heavy weight, which means I need to lose 32 pounds in just over 3 months. I started my diet yesterday, and as of yesterday I had 7 days of abstinence! That's the 1st time in many many months that I've hit an entire week without binge eating. To bad there's no 1 week chip.

Wish me luck and abstinence!

olympic weightlifting for me?

A couple months ago I posted that I retired from triathlons. The sport of triathlon was great for my eating disorder. I love competition, so the races fueled me with passion and motivated me to be dedicated. No matter how much I worked out if I binge ate I'd be overweight and slow. And if I didn't eat enough I'd be to weak to finish my workouts. The healthiest I've ever been was when I was training for Ironman Arizona in 2011. Since I retired from triathlon I've been looking for a sport to pick up to help me stay active and keep me from being obese, which I am VERY obese right now. I've been doing CrossFit for awhile and I love it. But I've been content being the slowest and fattest person in my CF gym.

 There's a lot of Olympic weight lifting in CrossFit, and I've found I really enjoy the olympic weight lifting. One of the things that attracts me to that sport is that it's important to get and stay as light as possible. Olympic weight lifters compete in a division determined by their body weight. The men's divisions are:
123 lb
137 lb
152 lb
170 lb
187 lb
207 lb
231 lb
and over 231 lbs

Currently I weight 265 pounds, so I'd be in the 231 and over division. Virtually all of the athletes in the 231 lb and over division are freakishly strong. That's NOT the division I'd want to lift in. Probably the best division for me would be the 170-187 pound division. I'm still strong and healthy at 190 lbs, and I could cut a few pounds the day before the competition to make the 187 pound category. There's an olympic weight lifting competition here in my home town on September 7th, and another on November 9th. I'm going to compete in them to see if I enjoy it as much as I think I will. I'll keep you posted.

CrossFit and binge eating

I could very well be the only athlete in the world who became fatter doing CrossFit. In the last 3 months I've gained 40 pounds- obviously I'm binging again. I'm up to 267 pounds. I haven't worked out at all in 3 weeks- my 3 year old has been in the hospital with pneumonia. I've spent the last three weeks contemplating quitting CrossFit. Everyone at my CrossFit box sees me working out hard and still gaining weight. I'm embarrassed. I'm the heaviest person there by at least 50 pounds and still getting heavier.

Today I showed up fully expecting this would be my last CrossFit workout ever, but when I showed up all the people I've worked out with at my CrossFit box were genuinely excited to see me, and I realized I missed them a lot too. CrossFit is more than a gym. We're people who are doing the workouts together day in and day out, supporting each other, suffering, sweating, and getting better together. The people there are more like a family.

Even after not working out for three weeks I still set a personal best back squat of 285 pounds. I finished the workout of the day in last place even though I was using the weight the girls were using. No surprise there, I usually finish in last place. Before I had a chance to feel bad about myself all the members of Zia CrossFit clapped and said wonderfully supportive things to me. I left feeling good about myself. That always ends up happening. My fellow CrossFit'ers make me feel good about myself and good about my effort. They don't know I'm a compulsive binge eater, but I don't think they'd care. I'm the fattest person there, but it doesn't seem to matter to them. I'm the only person there who is overweight and not losing weight- but they don't seem to care about that either. They are the most supportive people I've ever met. They accept me exactly as I am. They've always known me as a fat dude, but they have no expectations of me to lose weight. They don't know me as the athlete I used to be. They don't have the high expectations for me that I do for myself. They don't see me as the failure that I see myself as when I look at myself in the mirror. They are fully accepting of me. They don't see me as a failure because I keep showing up.Why would I want to leave a place that makes me feel so good about myself? Why would I want to give up something that makes me healthier and is countering much of the damage I'm doing to myself when I binge?

Anyways........

I've been in a Paleo and fitness competition for the last 9 weeks. As of yesterday I'd lost 29 pounds and was within 9 pounds of my short term goal of 220. My diet hasn't been a problem all year. It's as if I've been a normal person in regards to my eating, which I know I'm not. A lot of my food normality has to do with me cutting my Mom out of my life last year. My life has virtually no drama and abuse in it anymore. I constantly hear people say things about family being the best thing in a persons life. I don't agree. My friends are in my life because they make me happy and make me feel better about my life. My Mom doesn't. Most of my family doesn't. I chose my friends, I can't choose who my family is. Life is better without my Mom in it. Looking back I realize what a great mother she was when I was young. But once I hit puberty she turned on me like a rabid dog. I know a lot of it has to do with her dysfunctional view of men, and once she saw me turning into a man I became something to control and abuse..........

Anyways...... One of the things I learned during my short time in overeaters anonymous was never allow yourself to get hungry, anger, lonely, or tired (H.A.L.T.). I've been working a lot of hours recently. By recently I mean just shy of 8 years. I have a wife who is perfect in every way, except her relationship with money, so I have to try to work enough to pay for her spending, which I'm finding is impossible. I've been working 70-90 hours a week for 8 years........ Anyways, I got off of a 16 hour shift and was so tired couldn't even get off the couch to go to bed. But I sure as hell could get off the couch to eat. So yesterday I fell off the diet wagon. I was hoping to regain control of my eating today, but no such luck. I've been abstinent since February 3rd. That was the longest I'd gone abstinent since 2011. I've decided to be gentle with myself for once, something else I learned in OA. I've decided that if I regain control of my eating by tomorrow I won't consider myself having lost my abstinence from binge eating. I don't know if that is cheating the whole "abstinence counting system". I don't really care. I gotta do what I gotta do to be free of this crazy binge eating that will end up killing me. If continuing to count my days of abstinence motivates me to get abstinent again that's what I'll do.

the cycle of self abusive binge eating

I miss my Dad and that has me felling depressed. I'm grateful my Mom and I are no longer a part of each others lives, my only regret is that it took me this long to get her out of my life.....and that makes me feel like crap.

I hate this time of year. It's all about families and food. My family is dysfunctional. My relationship with food is dysfunctional. I'm feeling down in the dumps, so I did what I always do when I'm upset. I ate. $58 worth of crap from Walmart. Oatmeal cream pies, swiss rolls, chocolate ice cream, a pecan pie, corn dogs, a turkey pot pie, burritos, nutty bars, milk, and coffee. Eating doesn't make me feel better, but it numbs the pain. Thankfully my drug of choice is food. My drug is cheap, easily accessible, no matter how hard I try I cant over dose, and it takes a lot longer to kill myself this way......

When I was a kid my step dad used to beat my Mom. After the beating they'd get along great for awhile, kind of like a honeymoon phase. Then tensions would start to build until he'd grab her by the throat and pound on her for awhile. Then they'd love each other again and life would be great for awhile. Cycle repeats.....

I think I do the same thing to myself with food that my step dad used to do to my Mom. When I binge eat it's an unhealthy and abusive release of stress. Then I diet and it's a honeymoon phase. I feel like there's hope, I'm happy, healthy, and I'm looking froward to what I can accomplish now that I got all the binging out of me. I honestly feel it wont happen again. Then something stresses me out and I binge again. The cycle repeats.....

do the work dummy

Today's the 4th day in a row working out and 3rd day without binge eating. I haven't been on a row like this in months!

I recently watched a movie called "everything must go" with Will Ferrel. It's a movie about an alcoholic who fell off the wagon and lost everything. It was a bad movie, but there was a part in the movie that will change my life forever. Will Ferrel is talking to another alcoholic who was sober. The other alcoholic told Will Ferrel that the reason he's been able to maintain his sobriety is because he does the work, goes to meetings. Up until I saw that movie I was confused about why I fell off the wagon. I try so hard to not binge eat, to the point where I'm obsessed thinking about it. I have a tremendous knowledge of nutrition and try so hard to aply it. I have a ton of knowledge about triathlon and am usually able to workout consistently. And most importantly I've been praying nonstop for abstinence from destructive overeating. I knew God would help me if I asked, but I couldn't figure out why I wasn't able to put it all together and why God wasn't stepping in and helping me. Now I know, I haven't been doing the work. When I'd struggle I'd go to meetings, meet with sponsors, and work the 12 step when I started to struggle, but once I was on a roll I'd stop. I treated the program like chemotherapy. Once the cancer (binge eating) went away I'd stop treatment. God will help me if I'm willing to help myself, but He wont do it without me doing my part. I'm going to a meeting in the morning, I've scheduled an apt with my sponsor and will start meeting with him once a week, I'm calling other OA members twice a day, and I'm working the 12 steps again. Now that I'm doing the work I should be able to be successful in my recovery.

a little bit of a roll

Yesterday I rode my indoor trainer for half an hour. Today I ran for half an hour and haven't binged on food. I go to work tonight and have packed my lunch, there's no place for me to get any food other than what I bring with me. Looks like I may hit an entire day of abstaining from destructive overeating and two consecutive days in a row of training!

1.5 days of success

Today I didn't do so well with my eating, but I got 1.5 days of abstinence and that's the best I've done in a long time. There's hope.

Hot danm! Day one of abstinence

God answered my prayers yesterday, I ate within my definition of abstinence. I've completed one day of abstaining from destructive overeating. I also rode my bike!

Today I have 3 goals:

1) to pray and keep God in my heart.

2) To be abstinent for today. I'm only going to worry about my eating today. I'm not going to worry about being abstinent tomorrow, or the next.

3) to do a run workout

for today

I'm hoping and praying I can eat right today. I don't care one bit if I can go longer than one day of abstaining from destructive binge eating. Right now I desperately need just one day. I can't remember the last time I was able to eat well from the time I woke up until the time I fell asleep, and I desperately need one today. I need to know I still can, because right now it doesn't feel like it.

one fat overeating triathlete

Today I tried to put on a pair of jeans, but none of the jeans in my closet fit. I went out to my shed and brought in my fat clothes. Those were to small also. So I got my XX-large box of clothes that I hadn't had to wear since 2006, those didn't fit either..... I was heart broken, embarrassed, and angry. So I did what every binge eater does when they've had enough; I ate a box of donuts at work to sooth the pain. Crap. I'm miserable right now, and the more miserable I get the more I eat, which makes me more miserable, so then back to the eating again.

mourning sucks

I've always been able to cut people out of my heart and out of my life easily. The moment I feel like I'm in danger of getting hurt, or things are becoming too difficult I simply drop them out of my life. Last night I realized one of the reasons my eating has been so out of control is that I miss my Dad. He was only back in my life for a little more than a year, but during that year I thoroughly enjoyed the visits, the phone calls, etc. It was wonderful feeling loved and wanted by a parent, that's not something I've had much of in my life. When my Dad disappeared again last month, it hurt me. Usually I could just slam my heart shut, but I can't this time. I wish I could give my Dad what he needs to be content with me, my wife, and my children. I wish he wanted to be in my life half as much as I want him in mine. I think of him daily. I miss him, and I love him. I've never allowed anyone to effect me this way before. I think the feeling I'm having is.... mourning. It hurts. I don't like it.

Today I was planning on eating healthy and going on a run. I ate healthy, I didn't binge. I missed the run, but I feel getting my eating under control is the most important thing, and I did that. Tomorrow morning I'll be going to an OA meeting and then going to church. This'll be the first time I've done either in a long time. Hopefully I'll still be abstinent from binge eating and start running and biking again on Monday. I weighed in at 236 this morning. I cant believe earlier this year I weighed 175.

I had an old blogger buddy comment on yesterdays blog post. He convinced me to go and race this weekend. I'll be humiliated racing at my current weight, but I know I'll feel better for having raced. I shouldn't give up on myself because of the possibility of being judged or mocked. Thanks couch potato to Ironman, I appreciate the support.

suffering and defeat in 2012

Last year was a great year. I maintained between 175-180 pounds all of 2011. I was abstinent from binge eating for a total of 16 months, qualified for the USAT national triathlon championships, completed an Ironman, and rekindled a relationship with my Dad whom I hadn't seen or heard from since 1988.

This year has been a painful one. In March of this year I fell of the wagon. I've gained 60 pounds and there's no sign of my binge eating or weight gain slowing down.

My Dad's girlfriend gave him the 3rd degree about having a relationship with me and my family so he's no longer calling and isn't returning my phone calls. He never responded to the birthday invitation my son sent him. I told my son lies to cover for my Dad, it seemed to make my son feel better, but it doesn't make me feel any better. He's done this to me my whole life, and now he's abandoning and hurting my kids too.

In July I cut my my Mom out of my life. She has borderline personality disorder, is a love addict, allows men into her life that is/was abusive to her child or grand-children, and is severely emotionally abusive. Although it's what's best for me and my family it is still painful. 2 parents out of my life within a couple months of each other. It hurts.......

I have a tremendous amount of guilt the way I ended things with my last sponsor. He was awesome and was there for me day and night. He deserved more.

I'm still meeting with my current sponsor, but I'm not working the steps or writing. I should be working the steps but it feels too painful, just too overwhelming. There's a lot of pain and junk I haven't dealt with that I have buried inside of me, bringing it to the surface now with all that's going on would be too much for me to handle.

I stopped going to church, reading the bible, and praying a couple of months ago.

Early in the year I registered for a triathlon, that race is next weekend. I am petrified of going. I haven't trained in a few months, but that wouldn't be a problem, I know I could gut check the race. I'm embarrassed, petrified of racing this weekend because of my weight. Everyone who knows me knows me as an in shape and fast guy. I'm everything BUT those things now. I don't want to show up, I'm afraid they'll say to each other, "what the hell happened to him?" I don't want that.

I haven't been this fat since 2006. My stomach is so big I can't get into the aero position on my bike, I'm too fat to fit into any of my workout gear, my rear end is so fat it looks like my ass swallowed the seat when I ride my bike, my body shakes and jiggles when I run like a big bowl of jello, so I've stopped training. This is the 1st time I've stopped swimming, biking, and running since 2004. Regardless how I was doing with my eating the one consistent in my life was training and triathlon racing. It kept a level of normality in my life. It kept me from becoming too self destructive. It kept me sane. Now that I'm no longer training I feel lost. I feel like I've given up on the one thing I was good at. Triathlon was more than a sport to me, it felt like a part of my personality. It made me feel normal, productive, dedicated and successful. Now I'm just a fat slob sitting around eating myself to death.

I'm hurting physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I've given up. I feel like only divine intervention could pull me out of the slump I'm in right now.

Back in the saddle

Today I seem to be back in control of my eating. Before I started binging I was at my dream weight of 175, I now weigh 202.4. If I lose 1 pound a week it'll take me over 4 months to reverse the damage I'd done, but at least I'm not binging anymore. I could have been back to 290 pounds before I finally recovered, that has happened to me many times before.

My 1st race of the season will be on April 1st. I was very excited about showing up to race at my dream weight of 175, but it could be worse. My Ironman is in the fall this year, that gives me plenty of time to get back down to a racing weight. Thank goodness for miracles like abstinence!

loss of control

I'm 3 days into a massive binge and no signs of being being able to stop. Yesterday I blew $49 for lunch & hit multiple drive thru's. A man can get a ton of burgers, chili cheese fries, and coney dogs for $49. I now know Satan is real, he is now selling sweet potato tater tots at Sonic.

The last time I was is the grips of a binge this severe I weighed 182 in July 2006, by November 2006 I weighed 256 pounds. Dear God help me. This is too big for me to bare.

I had just reached my dream weight of the mid 170's in July of 2011, and now I see that number in my rear view mirror getting smaller and smaller as I eat myself farther & farther away.

I'm spending a lot of time in prayer, any additional prayers would be greatly appreciated.

sincerely,
memoirs of a binge eating triathlete