Anyways........

I've been in a Paleo and fitness competition for the last 9 weeks. As of yesterday I'd lost 29 pounds and was within 9 pounds of my short term goal of 220. My diet hasn't been a problem all year. It's as if I've been a normal person in regards to my eating, which I know I'm not. A lot of my food normality has to do with me cutting my Mom out of my life last year. My life has virtually no drama and abuse in it anymore. I constantly hear people say things about family being the best thing in a persons life. I don't agree. My friends are in my life because they make me happy and make me feel better about my life. My Mom doesn't. Most of my family doesn't. I chose my friends, I can't choose who my family is. Life is better without my Mom in it. Looking back I realize what a great mother she was when I was young. But once I hit puberty she turned on me like a rabid dog. I know a lot of it has to do with her dysfunctional view of men, and once she saw me turning into a man I became something to control and abuse..........

Anyways...... One of the things I learned during my short time in overeaters anonymous was never allow yourself to get hungry, anger, lonely, or tired (H.A.L.T.). I've been working a lot of hours recently. By recently I mean just shy of 8 years. I have a wife who is perfect in every way, except her relationship with money, so I have to try to work enough to pay for her spending, which I'm finding is impossible. I've been working 70-90 hours a week for 8 years........ Anyways, I got off of a 16 hour shift and was so tired couldn't even get off the couch to go to bed. But I sure as hell could get off the couch to eat. So yesterday I fell off the diet wagon. I was hoping to regain control of my eating today, but no such luck. I've been abstinent since February 3rd. That was the longest I'd gone abstinent since 2011. I've decided to be gentle with myself for once, something else I learned in OA. I've decided that if I regain control of my eating by tomorrow I won't consider myself having lost my abstinence from binge eating. I don't know if that is cheating the whole "abstinence counting system". I don't really care. I gotta do what I gotta do to be free of this crazy binge eating that will end up killing me. If continuing to count my days of abstinence motivates me to get abstinent again that's what I'll do.