God and I

Somewhere around a year and a half to two years ago, back when I was on the wagon, I hit 9 months of abstinence from binge eating, I lost 120 pounds, and was at my dream weight. I realized now that one of the reasons I fell off the wagon was that my goals were all wrong. My main goals were that I wanted to hit my goal weight and rack up as many days of abstinence from binge eating as I could. I was willing to pray and develop a relationship with God if it meant accomplishing my goals. It should have been that my relationship with my god should have come in first in my list of priorities above and beyon days of abstinance, a dream weight, and being a fast triathlete. A couple days ago I started going to meetings, reading the bible, praying, and writing again.

I did a writing that asked, "write the similarities between your heavenly father and your earthly father". I was horrified by what I wrote. I wrote things like, "both are very harsh and quick to anger if I don't do what he wants."
  "They are quick to punish."
  "It's almost impossible to be the person they expect me to be." "It's better to be out of sight and out of mind than to be seen and be a disappointment."
   "And that I'm an annoyance to him when I need help or am struggling."

Somewhere in side of me I know that isn't who God really is. But I'm having a difficult time convincing myself that he loves me ALL the time. That he's kind and gentle. That he wants to there for me. He will be gentle in his dealings with me when I need to lean on him. God actually wants to be a part of my life, he has enough patience and time for me. He won't turn on me like mean dog when I start to feel comfortable in our relationship.

For some reason I don't trust god yet. I'm afraid of him. The problem is me, not him. But I don't know how to fix me.

the countdown starts.... yesterday

After almost 2 years of searching for something to fill the spot of triathlon I've finally found something I'm excited about. I'm going to try my hand at olympic weightlifting! My 1s t event will be in Sept. The one in Sept I'm doing just for fun. I wont be trying to throw around big weights or impress anyone. I'll just be trying to get some experience and have some fun. My 2nd olympic weightlifting competition will be held in early November. Not only will I be taking the 2nd event more seriously, I'm hoping to no longer be a super heavy weight. I need to weight 230 pounds or less to no longer be a super heavy weight, which means I need to lose 32 pounds in just over 3 months. I started my diet yesterday, and as of yesterday I had 7 days of abstinence! That's the 1st time in many many months that I've hit an entire week without binge eating. To bad there's no 1 week chip.

Wish me luck and abstinence!

olympic weightlifting for me?

A couple months ago I posted that I retired from triathlons. The sport of triathlon was great for my eating disorder. I love competition, so the races fueled me with passion and motivated me to be dedicated. No matter how much I worked out if I binge ate I'd be overweight and slow. And if I didn't eat enough I'd be to weak to finish my workouts. The healthiest I've ever been was when I was training for Ironman Arizona in 2011. Since I retired from triathlon I've been looking for a sport to pick up to help me stay active and keep me from being obese, which I am VERY obese right now. I've been doing CrossFit for awhile and I love it. But I've been content being the slowest and fattest person in my CF gym.

 There's a lot of Olympic weight lifting in CrossFit, and I've found I really enjoy the olympic weight lifting. One of the things that attracts me to that sport is that it's important to get and stay as light as possible. Olympic weight lifters compete in a division determined by their body weight. The men's divisions are:
123 lb
137 lb
152 lb
170 lb
187 lb
207 lb
231 lb
and over 231 lbs

Currently I weight 265 pounds, so I'd be in the 231 and over division. Virtually all of the athletes in the 231 lb and over division are freakishly strong. That's NOT the division I'd want to lift in. Probably the best division for me would be the 170-187 pound division. I'm still strong and healthy at 190 lbs, and I could cut a few pounds the day before the competition to make the 187 pound category. There's an olympic weight lifting competition here in my home town on September 7th, and another on November 9th. I'm going to compete in them to see if I enjoy it as much as I think I will. I'll keep you posted.

CrossFit and binge eating

I could very well be the only athlete in the world who became fatter doing CrossFit. In the last 3 months I've gained 40 pounds- obviously I'm binging again. I'm up to 267 pounds. I haven't worked out at all in 3 weeks- my 3 year old has been in the hospital with pneumonia. I've spent the last three weeks contemplating quitting CrossFit. Everyone at my CrossFit box sees me working out hard and still gaining weight. I'm embarrassed. I'm the heaviest person there by at least 50 pounds and still getting heavier.

Today I showed up fully expecting this would be my last CrossFit workout ever, but when I showed up all the people I've worked out with at my CrossFit box were genuinely excited to see me, and I realized I missed them a lot too. CrossFit is more than a gym. We're people who are doing the workouts together day in and day out, supporting each other, suffering, sweating, and getting better together. The people there are more like a family.

Even after not working out for three weeks I still set a personal best back squat of 285 pounds. I finished the workout of the day in last place even though I was using the weight the girls were using. No surprise there, I usually finish in last place. Before I had a chance to feel bad about myself all the members of Zia CrossFit clapped and said wonderfully supportive things to me. I left feeling good about myself. That always ends up happening. My fellow CrossFit'ers make me feel good about myself and good about my effort. They don't know I'm a compulsive binge eater, but I don't think they'd care. I'm the fattest person there, but it doesn't seem to matter to them. I'm the only person there who is overweight and not losing weight- but they don't seem to care about that either. They are the most supportive people I've ever met. They accept me exactly as I am. They've always known me as a fat dude, but they have no expectations of me to lose weight. They don't know me as the athlete I used to be. They don't have the high expectations for me that I do for myself. They don't see me as the failure that I see myself as when I look at myself in the mirror. They are fully accepting of me. They don't see me as a failure because I keep showing up.Why would I want to leave a place that makes me feel so good about myself? Why would I want to give up something that makes me healthier and is countering much of the damage I'm doing to myself when I binge?

Anyways........

I've been in a Paleo and fitness competition for the last 9 weeks. As of yesterday I'd lost 29 pounds and was within 9 pounds of my short term goal of 220. My diet hasn't been a problem all year. It's as if I've been a normal person in regards to my eating, which I know I'm not. A lot of my food normality has to do with me cutting my Mom out of my life last year. My life has virtually no drama and abuse in it anymore. I constantly hear people say things about family being the best thing in a persons life. I don't agree. My friends are in my life because they make me happy and make me feel better about my life. My Mom doesn't. Most of my family doesn't. I chose my friends, I can't choose who my family is. Life is better without my Mom in it. Looking back I realize what a great mother she was when I was young. But once I hit puberty she turned on me like a rabid dog. I know a lot of it has to do with her dysfunctional view of men, and once she saw me turning into a man I became something to control and abuse..........

Anyways...... One of the things I learned during my short time in overeaters anonymous was never allow yourself to get hungry, anger, lonely, or tired (H.A.L.T.). I've been working a lot of hours recently. By recently I mean just shy of 8 years. I have a wife who is perfect in every way, except her relationship with money, so I have to try to work enough to pay for her spending, which I'm finding is impossible. I've been working 70-90 hours a week for 8 years........ Anyways, I got off of a 16 hour shift and was so tired couldn't even get off the couch to go to bed. But I sure as hell could get off the couch to eat. So yesterday I fell off the diet wagon. I was hoping to regain control of my eating today, but no such luck. I've been abstinent since February 3rd. That was the longest I'd gone abstinent since 2011. I've decided to be gentle with myself for once, something else I learned in OA. I've decided that if I regain control of my eating by tomorrow I won't consider myself having lost my abstinence from binge eating. I don't know if that is cheating the whole "abstinence counting system". I don't really care. I gotta do what I gotta do to be free of this crazy binge eating that will end up killing me. If continuing to count my days of abstinence motivates me to get abstinent again that's what I'll do.

the cycle of self abusive binge eating

I miss my Dad and that has me felling depressed. I'm grateful my Mom and I are no longer a part of each others lives, my only regret is that it took me this long to get her out of my life.....and that makes me feel like crap.

I hate this time of year. It's all about families and food. My family is dysfunctional. My relationship with food is dysfunctional. I'm feeling down in the dumps, so I did what I always do when I'm upset. I ate. $58 worth of crap from Walmart. Oatmeal cream pies, swiss rolls, chocolate ice cream, a pecan pie, corn dogs, a turkey pot pie, burritos, nutty bars, milk, and coffee. Eating doesn't make me feel better, but it numbs the pain. Thankfully my drug of choice is food. My drug is cheap, easily accessible, no matter how hard I try I cant over dose, and it takes a lot longer to kill myself this way......

When I was a kid my step dad used to beat my Mom. After the beating they'd get along great for awhile, kind of like a honeymoon phase. Then tensions would start to build until he'd grab her by the throat and pound on her for awhile. Then they'd love each other again and life would be great for awhile. Cycle repeats.....

I think I do the same thing to myself with food that my step dad used to do to my Mom. When I binge eat it's an unhealthy and abusive release of stress. Then I diet and it's a honeymoon phase. I feel like there's hope, I'm happy, healthy, and I'm looking froward to what I can accomplish now that I got all the binging out of me. I honestly feel it wont happen again. Then something stresses me out and I binge again. The cycle repeats.....

do the work dummy

Today's the 4th day in a row working out and 3rd day without binge eating. I haven't been on a row like this in months!

I recently watched a movie called "everything must go" with Will Ferrel. It's a movie about an alcoholic who fell off the wagon and lost everything. It was a bad movie, but there was a part in the movie that will change my life forever. Will Ferrel is talking to another alcoholic who was sober. The other alcoholic told Will Ferrel that the reason he's been able to maintain his sobriety is because he does the work, goes to meetings. Up until I saw that movie I was confused about why I fell off the wagon. I try so hard to not binge eat, to the point where I'm obsessed thinking about it. I have a tremendous knowledge of nutrition and try so hard to aply it. I have a ton of knowledge about triathlon and am usually able to workout consistently. And most importantly I've been praying nonstop for abstinence from destructive overeating. I knew God would help me if I asked, but I couldn't figure out why I wasn't able to put it all together and why God wasn't stepping in and helping me. Now I know, I haven't been doing the work. When I'd struggle I'd go to meetings, meet with sponsors, and work the 12 step when I started to struggle, but once I was on a roll I'd stop. I treated the program like chemotherapy. Once the cancer (binge eating) went away I'd stop treatment. God will help me if I'm willing to help myself, but He wont do it without me doing my part. I'm going to a meeting in the morning, I've scheduled an apt with my sponsor and will start meeting with him once a week, I'm calling other OA members twice a day, and I'm working the 12 steps again. Now that I'm doing the work I should be able to be successful in my recovery.