the cycle of self abusive binge eating

I miss my Dad and that has me felling depressed. I'm grateful my Mom and I are no longer a part of each others lives, my only regret is that it took me this long to get her out of my life.....and that makes me feel like crap.

I hate this time of year. It's all about families and food. My family is dysfunctional. My relationship with food is dysfunctional. I'm feeling down in the dumps, so I did what I always do when I'm upset. I ate. $58 worth of crap from Walmart. Oatmeal cream pies, swiss rolls, chocolate ice cream, a pecan pie, corn dogs, a turkey pot pie, burritos, nutty bars, milk, and coffee. Eating doesn't make me feel better, but it numbs the pain. Thankfully my drug of choice is food. My drug is cheap, easily accessible, no matter how hard I try I cant over dose, and it takes a lot longer to kill myself this way......

When I was a kid my step dad used to beat my Mom. After the beating they'd get along great for awhile, kind of like a honeymoon phase. Then tensions would start to build until he'd grab her by the throat and pound on her for awhile. Then they'd love each other again and life would be great for awhile. Cycle repeats.....

I think I do the same thing to myself with food that my step dad used to do to my Mom. When I binge eat it's an unhealthy and abusive release of stress. Then I diet and it's a honeymoon phase. I feel like there's hope, I'm happy, healthy, and I'm looking froward to what I can accomplish now that I got all the binging out of me. I honestly feel it wont happen again. Then something stresses me out and I binge again. The cycle repeats.....

do the work dummy

Today's the 4th day in a row working out and 3rd day without binge eating. I haven't been on a row like this in months!

I recently watched a movie called "everything must go" with Will Ferrel. It's a movie about an alcoholic who fell off the wagon and lost everything. It was a bad movie, but there was a part in the movie that will change my life forever. Will Ferrel is talking to another alcoholic who was sober. The other alcoholic told Will Ferrel that the reason he's been able to maintain his sobriety is because he does the work, goes to meetings. Up until I saw that movie I was confused about why I fell off the wagon. I try so hard to not binge eat, to the point where I'm obsessed thinking about it. I have a tremendous knowledge of nutrition and try so hard to aply it. I have a ton of knowledge about triathlon and am usually able to workout consistently. And most importantly I've been praying nonstop for abstinence from destructive overeating. I knew God would help me if I asked, but I couldn't figure out why I wasn't able to put it all together and why God wasn't stepping in and helping me. Now I know, I haven't been doing the work. When I'd struggle I'd go to meetings, meet with sponsors, and work the 12 step when I started to struggle, but once I was on a roll I'd stop. I treated the program like chemotherapy. Once the cancer (binge eating) went away I'd stop treatment. God will help me if I'm willing to help myself, but He wont do it without me doing my part. I'm going to a meeting in the morning, I've scheduled an apt with my sponsor and will start meeting with him once a week, I'm calling other OA members twice a day, and I'm working the 12 steps again. Now that I'm doing the work I should be able to be successful in my recovery.

a little bit of a roll

Yesterday I rode my indoor trainer for half an hour. Today I ran for half an hour and haven't binged on food. I go to work tonight and have packed my lunch, there's no place for me to get any food other than what I bring with me. Looks like I may hit an entire day of abstaining from destructive overeating and two consecutive days in a row of training!

1.5 days of success

Today I didn't do so well with my eating, but I got 1.5 days of abstinence and that's the best I've done in a long time. There's hope.

Hot danm! Day one of abstinence

God answered my prayers yesterday, I ate within my definition of abstinence. I've completed one day of abstaining from destructive overeating. I also rode my bike!

Today I have 3 goals:

1) to pray and keep God in my heart.

2) To be abstinent for today. I'm only going to worry about my eating today. I'm not going to worry about being abstinent tomorrow, or the next.

3) to do a run workout

for today

I'm hoping and praying I can eat right today. I don't care one bit if I can go longer than one day of abstaining from destructive binge eating. Right now I desperately need just one day. I can't remember the last time I was able to eat well from the time I woke up until the time I fell asleep, and I desperately need one today. I need to know I still can, because right now it doesn't feel like it.

one fat overeating triathlete

Today I tried to put on a pair of jeans, but none of the jeans in my closet fit. I went out to my shed and brought in my fat clothes. Those were to small also. So I got my XX-large box of clothes that I hadn't had to wear since 2006, those didn't fit either..... I was heart broken, embarrassed, and angry. So I did what every binge eater does when they've had enough; I ate a box of donuts at work to sooth the pain. Crap. I'm miserable right now, and the more miserable I get the more I eat, which makes me more miserable, so then back to the eating again.