Why I use

I sedate my emotions with food. Up until recently I had convinced myself I was eating to help deal with them. I realize now that I was using food to avoid dealing with my stess, emotions, problems, & fears. I was self medicating.

When I 1st started going to Overeaters Anonymous I was told to try & make the connection between the foods I crave to binge on and the feelings I'm having at the time. I had convinced myself I was unable to do that. Figuring out that connection just seemed too scary for me. I had convinced myself that all my attention needed to be on fighting my urge to binge, & that any effort spent trying to figure out what emotions I was feeling when I wanted to binge would have taken away my focus & ability of staying on the wagon. I realize now I was fooling myself. The truth is if I had figured out the food cravings I was having & the feelings that those cravings were connected to I wouldn't be able to avoid those emotions any longer.

Despite my best efforts l figured it out. When I'm wanting to binge on foods like pizza & fried chicken it's because of emotions. If I'm craving cakes, pastries, ice cream, etc I'm doing so because of stress.

As soon as I figured this out I realized I had been using food my whole life so that I wouldn't have to deal with the emotions or the stresses of my life. also realized I had no idea how to deal with life without binge eating. I realized if I stopped binge eating I'd be forced to deal with my life, my emotions, & my stresses. The thought of doing that petrified me!

I started making outreach phone calls to OA members who I had developed trust with & asked them, "if I stopped bingeing how would I learn to deal with my emotions? How long would it take to learn healthy ways to deal with my life?"

The 1st person I called told me they had no idea how I'd learn to feel & how I'd learn to deal. She simply said to pray & take it one day at a time. That wasn't the answer I wanted. I felt I had a problem & that I needed answers for it! Real answers! I called 3 people that night & each person gave me the same aggravating answer. "Put it on Gods shoulders & concentrate on today, don't worry about tomorrow."

I felt like they were no help to me at all! I remember being in a panic. That night I couldn't sleep. I kept thinking, "I'm not going to be able to hide from my emotions without food! I don't know how to do that! How the heck could I be expected to learn to cope with my emotions suddenly after 30+ years of avoiding them? I feared being abstinence from destructive eating because I'd have to stop binging cold turkey! I wasn't going to be able to slowly & gradually stop drowning my emotions with food. There was going to be no weaning the food binging away slowly as I felt I was capable of dealing with more emotions. I was going to have to deal with whatever I was feeling right then & there as soon as I became abstinent fron compulsive eating.

The next couple days I stressed & worried, yet I DID NOT allow myself to binge. Without deadening my emotions with food I was able to figure out a few things about myself. I learned that my fear of coping with my emotions was there because my Step-Dad & my ex-wife had never developed the ability to handle stress. They'd allow stress to build & build until they'd explode & physically abuse. I realized my greatest fear was that if I didn't use food to sedate my feelings, fears, & emotions I'd start to store up everything inside me & I'd end up exploding & hurting my loved ones like my stepdad & ex-wife had. Very quickly I also realized I didn't have to worry about that. I wasn't that type of a person. When there's a problem with my loved ones I've always desired to talk the problems out. I have never been the type to make myself feel better by abusing others. I have never been the type to use my loved ones as whipping boys. That's just not who I am. I'm not an angry & explosive person. I've learned it's ok if I feel my emotions, it won't cause me to become an abusive person. I'm not saying I'm comfortable feeling my emotions yet, but I acknowledge it's ok for me to do so. Feeling my emotions won't cause me to hurt my family or become abusive.

a heart breaking transition

Although I've been abstinent for awhile, I'm not losing weight. Mostly, I'm ok with that. My concentration right now should be on my recovery, not worldly things like looking like a triathlete should & wanting to be physically attractive. I'm well into my recovery (for me at least). I'm making outreach phone calls, I'm working the 12 steps, I'm calling my sponsor regularly, & most important is I'm praying & turning to Christ. Like I had said in a post last week I've gained a lot of weight & have grown out of most of my clothes. I'm having to go out & buy new XX-large shirts, larger pants, & larger under wear. I think I could handle my habitual weight gains & losses much better if I had bigger & smaller clothes available to grab & wear without having to go buy more. Up until now I'd get so excited when I lost weight & was on a roll I'd throw out my fat clothes, I was so sure I had made a LIFE LONG life style change. When I gained a bunch of weight I'd be so upset I'd end up throwing out all my skinny jeans because I was convinced I was a failure & I'd never be thin or attractive again. I've realized some of the things that is so upsetting to me when I gain weight is wearing my clothes that no longer fit until they are so tight it's intolerable, & having to resign myself to go buy more fat clothes for this new fatter & miserable person I had become. I'm almost certain if I had clothes on hand that I could simply pull out & wear, the transition would be so much less heart breaking & disturbing to me. So from here on out I promise myself I will no longer throw out any clothes that no longer fit. I'll keep all the clothes I get to big or to small for & have them available for me to grab without a ton of hassle & misery. I also am promising I'll be gentle with myself. If I gain or lose a ton of weight I'll do my best to turn it over to my Lord Jesus Christ & I won't dwell on the weight & beat myself up. I'll try my best to remember that my eating disorder isn't a moral issue. I'll try & remember when I binge I'm not a bad person.

day 5 of abstinence

I'm day 5 into my abstinence! Yesterday I did a 2 hour 23 minute bike ride & followed immediately by a 37 minute run.

These are some of the things I've realized recently with my compulsive eating. Some of these realizations are life changing for me, some of them are merely interesting at best. But they all have to do with my recovery.

Food is the most intimate, private, & intense relationship I've ever had. Even more than sex. It's something I can always find comfort, solace, or company with. Food is always there & it always feels good.

The 12 & 12 of OA works if you work it!

It's ok if I fail at eating like a triathlete as long as I don't eat like a compulsive overeater. Don't get the F'its! The F'its are when I make a small mistake & then say F'it, I can't do it perfectly so I may as well just do whatever I want. Like when I eat an extra serving that wasn't on my food plan, so I say F'it & binge eat all I want on whatever I want the rest of the day.

I have to do something OA related everyday otherwise I get amnesia to the fact that I have this disease. I begin to feel like I can eat like everyone else, next thing I know I've relapsed.My disease is not a moral issue. When I'm binge eating I'm not a bad person.

Have and follow a food plan!!!

Pray for help. God will help.

day 5 of abstinence

Day 5 of abstinence completed! I'm doing well on the diet & I'm training consistently. Yesterday I completed a 2 hour 30 minute bike ride on my rollers followed by a 35 minute run. I'm hoping to get to the point soon where I feel good enough about myself to no longer be embarrassed about my physique & have the self confidence to ride my bike outdoors.There are a few different kind of food cravings that I experience.


1) real physical hunger. The kind that the body is telling me it needs sustenance.





2) emotional hunger. I'm wanting to eat to sedate emotions. I used to think food was how I dealt with my emotions but I realized this week I'm sedating myself so I don't have to deal with the emotions.





3) & then there's the desire to binge! I always thought these were going to be a life long problem I was going to have to deal with. My sponsor told me a few days ago that they are usually caused by eating my trigger foods & that these desires to eat & eat & eat can be minimized by simply avoiding my trigger foods. She said of course there will still be some of these desires when I see or smell certain trigger foods of mine. But the large part of my cravings will go away once I stop eating those trigger foods of mine. I'm so excited for me to get to that point. On December 15th, my 1st day of abstinence I cut out all sugar, processed foods, & grains. I know this is extreme, but the disease I'm fighting is extreme. Eventually as I learn more skills about my eating disorder I may allow myself to eat some whole grains, but for now they are gone! At this early stage of my recovery I'm better off overly safe than sorry. So I'm only going to eat fruit, veggies, meat, and moderate amounts of nuts until I feel more comfortable with controlling my compulsive eating.

Ironman training

My favorite video of all time.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C0yoz4jAhrQ&feature=player_detailpage

progressed to step 4

Tonight my sponsor told me she believes I have fully embraced step 3. Step 3 reads: Made a decision to turn our will & our lives over to the care of God.

I was very excited about having progressed & learned as much as I have. I was excited about starting work on step 4. Then I read what step 4 was & I became a bit scared. It's not going to be easy! Step 4 reads: made a searching & fearless inventory of ourselves. OUCH. Now this step is truly frightening. It's a good thing I have decided to turn my life & my will fully over to God, because there is no way I could do this on my own! My sponsor asked me to write a statement about step 3. I wrote it, & although I mean what I wrote with all my heart I feel like it's not a grand enough statement for such a wonderful & amazing thing as step 3!

My statement is:
I have realized that I have to fully turn to God in all things in my life big & small. When I lean on Him everything is easier & is accomplishable. When I try & do anything on my own I kill myself with stress & effort. Although I may be successful for a period of time, ultimately I'm destined to fail on my own. There's nothing He can't handle. There's nothing that is to big or small for Him to help me with. He loves me, He wants to help me. He wants fellowship with me. He knows what my eating triggers are & He's willing to lesson the load on me if I simply throw myself at His feet. God knows what I need every minute. He knows what I will need long before I do & He'll help if I let Him!

training, storms, stolen blog posts, & OCD

Abstinence day 2 is just about in the books!!!

So please forgive me for stealing things off other peaples blogs, but yesterday I was getting some much needed inspiration from some fellow food addicts blogs & I read this, "I'm a food addict. I want want want. Food is just a weak substitute for what I want. Sometimes, I don't even know what I want. Sometimes, I don't want what i want because it is too scary or so intangible." I read this off the blog PJ's and pounds. I was amazed. I reread this probably 10 times. It moved me. I knew this was exactly what I do.

Friday night we got a pretty big snow storm. But because I had decided to ride my bike earlier in the week, & I'm OCD, I rode my bike to work through feet of snow, snow drifts, & the wind blowing through my bald head. Very cold bald head. Above are a couple pictures of my ride!

Friday I ran 5.5 miles in 65 minutes. My training & eating have been great for 3 days now & I'm pumped up baby!!!! I owe it all to God. He's answering my prayers. I'm so unworthy, & he's so gracious.