abstanence day 2/candle light meeting

Yesterday I completed a 90 minute 25.12 mile bike ride for my training.

Every year here at my OA home they have a candle light OA meeting. This year we had the topic of the promises if we follow the 12 & 12 of OA. 12 individuals each was able to pick a promise & give a 3-5 minute share. Below are the promises. I'll post my share below the promises.

1. We know a new freedom and happiness.

2. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.

3. We will comprehend the word "serenity".

4. We will know peace.

5. We will see how our experiences would benefit others.

6. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.

7. We will lose interest in selfish things.

8. Self-seeking will slip away.

9. Our whole attitude and outlook on life will change.

10. Fear of people and economic insecurity will leave us.

11. We will intuitively know how to handle situations that used to baffle us.

12. We will realize that God is doing for us what we couldn’t do for ourselves.



My promise was #2 We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.



The hardest lesson for me to learn is to be gentle with myself. Every binge I'd beat myself up, I'd punish myself, hate myself. My self loathing & stress over my bingeing caused me to binge even more. Even when I was doing well with my eating I'd be obsessing about my past or future binges.



It wasn't until many months into my program that I realized God put my eating disorder into my life for a reason. It's there to keep my focus on God. When I stop turning to God I end up falling into a binge. If God put this into my life why would I regret it? Regretting & fretting the past causes me to repeat it. Yet ignoring the past will also cause me to repeat it. The only way I can recover is by learning from my failures. Each time I fell off the wagon I try & learn what the causes were.



I should strive for progress not perfection! I've found when I strive for perfection it causes me to procrastinate. Procrastination causes paralysis Looking back I ask myself if I would have done differently if I HAD The chance. "Darn right I would!" But the gift of this promise is the realization that it has been the totality of life experience that has brought me to this stage of my spiritual journey. And I have come to love the man I ha e become & still becoming, having learned to love the lessons (at least eventually) that come with my struggles to live into the fullness of who God made me to be. It would be hard to imagine an addict coming into recovery who does not regret the harm they have caused themselves & others. But these promises are listed not at the beginning of the book, but after the part describing the 9th step, which is "made direct amends to such people that we have harmed wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. If I'm following the 12 step program of recovery I will have made a sincere attempt to do all I can to right any wrongs & move on to forgiveness. If I have committed myself to practicing this spiritual discipline on an ongoing basis, in the context of a relationship with God, I can't see that regret is of much use. At some point I, a recovering addict has to let go of beating up on myself & focus on gratitude for the opportunity to really transform my life for the better.

day 1 of abstinence in the books

I just finished day 1 of abstinence! All I'm focusing on is the next hour & following my eating plan। Then concentrating on the hour after that. I'm praying & turning it over to my Lord. For me my eating disorder is severe, but it's easy for Him to shoulder it, & He's happy to do it for me- & I'm glad to give it to Him!Today's workout was a 60 minute bike ride followed by a 30 minute run. During my workout my sweat smelled awful! It was truly revolting. My sweat smelling bad was a result of my 4 day binge eating. I was eating massive amounts of food that's packed full of salt, sugar, chemicals, preservatives, transfats, hydrogenated oils, etc. If my sweat smelled bad when it came out of my body, I hate to think what the crap I ate was doing to my insides. To my blood vanes, my heart & other organs. It revolting. I want to stop my compulsive overeating. I realize I am powerless over food & that my life has become unmanageable. I realize only God can restore me to sanity & I have made my mind up to turn my will & my entire life over to God.

Addictions are progressive by nature

I haven't posted on my blog in a long time. I didn't stop posting because I'm cured of my binge eating. Quite the opposite really.

In July I was approaching three months abstinence from destructive eating when BAM! I fell off the wagon. I stopped posting from humiliation & embarrassment. Like most addicts, when I get overwhelmed by my disease I hide, become a hermit & cut off as much contact with the world as I can. I didn't want people to see me for what I was becoming yet again.

There's never been any doubt in my mind I'm a compulsive overeater. No one could binge eat like I do & have any doubt. Within 6 weeks from the day I fell off the wagon in late July I had gained 40 pounds. That averages to 6 pounds a week. Wow, that's even hard for me to believe. But the scale doesn't lie. As a matter of a fact the scale is brutally honest. I hate my scale.

This year I trained for triathlons like I had never trained before! I was on top of my diet more than I ever have been able to do before. All year I was impressing everyone who knew me. Everyone who had always known me as a big IE fat triathlete of average speed was amazed with my transformation. I was getting faster & thinner every week & each race the results were even more amazing. From February of 2010 to July 2010 I placed top 10 overall at triathlons multiple times & top 5 overall in 3!

In September I was scheduled for my last A race of the year. By then I had gained a ton of weight, but I was still fast. I knew even though I was weighing in the mid 220's I would tear that course up! The night before the race I put on my racing uniform & saw myself in the mirror. Not a pretty sight. I had more than an ample belly & a massive butt! They both jiggled like a bowl full of Jell-O just from walking. What would it look like when I ran? I knew what it would look like, & I wasn't willing to humiliate myself like that regardless of how many hours I had trained for that race. That night I unpacked my race bags, took my bike off my roof rack, & sedated my feelings with massive amounts of food. I wanted to race so bad. I deserved to race. But how could I show up to a race that all my friends were at with me looking like that? Having those same people there who had been amazed by my weight loss, then to see me put on a years worth of weight loss on in a little over a month was more than I could tolerate.I had been triathlon training daily since 2004. It was helping me fight my obesity & minimize my overeating behaviors. This was the 1st time in 6 years I had stopped training. Why did I stop? Humiliation. I was embarrassed my neighbors, friends, family, or co-workers would see me jiggling & shaking as I ran. Remember the dance Chunk was forced to do on 1980's hit movie The Goonies? Ya that would be me, only worse. I wasn't willing to bike either because my butt was so big no one could see my bike seat, it looked like my ass swallowed it.

Since then my weight gain has slowed down slightly, but I'm still gaining. I'm about 235 now. My size regular work pants don't fit anymore & I can barely move in my size X-large. Tomorrow I am going to a specialty store to buy a pair of XX-large pants. I have to get them from a specialty store because there aren't many in law enforcement officers that get as fat as I am right now.

I'm hoping this is my rock bottom. I'm hoping everything will get better from here. I tried to motivate myself by buying a slot to an out of state 70.3 that is scheduled for April 2011 & an out of state Ironman scheduled for November 2011. I chose races that are at least a 12 hour drive from my home because one of my 2 greatest fears is being seen in my current state of obesity by anyone I know or love. I'm far enough into my disease right now that I'll only leave the house for work, to pick up my daughter from school, & for church. I won't even go to the grocery store for fear of being seen in my new Jabba the Hutt physique. -BTW my biggest fear is that I continue to progress in my disease to the point where I'm living a life of total isolation, wearing a moomoo, & have a dozen cat's as my only friends who's only mistake was getting caught in my massive gravitational pull- anyway, back to my triathlon training for my upcoming races. I'm in my 5th week of working out. Do to my embarrassment I will only ride my bike on my indoor trainer, & I'll only run on an isolated dirt trail not far from my house- but dang it I'm training again!

So this is my story thus far. I'm hoping this is the part of my story that I start my recovery from my compulsive overeating, where I start a long & continuous career in triathlon, & that my Lord Jesus Christ hears my pleas for help & saves me from sinking any further into my addiction.I'll be posting regularly from here on out. It'll help me stay accountable & dedicated. Perhaps me posting my story of attempting recovery will help someone else with the same problem. Or perhaps it'll help others who don't have an eating problem understand. I thank you for tuning in, without knowing it you are instrumental in my recovery.

taking a leap!

Today's my 1st day back from a 4 day binder. I hadn't gone to a meeting in over a month-gee, wonder why I fell off the wagon yet again.

I went to a meeting today and took the leap I'd been petrified of. I got a sponsor. We'll be talking today once I wake up from my days sleep (I work nights).

Things are looking up! From Jan to March was my longest period of time without binge eating. I almost made it 3 months. Perhaps I'll make that mark now that I'll have someone holding me accountable.

unexpected response

I attended my 1st OA meeting in a month. I was going to sit quietly through the meeting learning, supporting the other more successful people, looking for a sponsor, but I was not planning on speaking. I felt to embarrassed to share with the group that I fell off the wagon again. At the last minute & on impulse I decided to let everyone know what a failure I had been. "I stopped working the 12 & 12, I fired my sponsor & never got a new one, I've never made an outreach phone call, & I fell off the wagon 2 times in the last 3 weeks. I shared how I felt I'd failed & how horrid I felt about what I'd done, what I hadn't done, & me succumbing to my addiction. I then started to say something, I don't remember what I was going to say, I just remember starting my statement, "I'm having to start all over again. I'm 2 days abstinent..." I was interrupted at that point by everyone having started clapping. I was stunned, & came to realize that they were elated that I was back and hadn't given up on myself or given in to my addiction. I realized by their reaction I shouldn't be ashamed to admit my failure. They accepted me fully no matter if I was in the middle of a massive month long binge & purge, having been abstinent for years, or back to day 2 of my abstinence. They were celebrating my return rather than being disapointed in my failure. No one was disappointed in me or what I'd done.It's great to feel acceptance for once from an addiction most people just look at as having a lack of control or having no will power. Most people look at us with eating disorders as weak willed, looking for attention, or pathetic. These people knew I wasn't weak. I don't have a self control problem. They realize I'm a person with an addiction who is trying to recover. They understand me. They support me. With that kind of support I no longer feel alone or embarrassed. So I'm back, about to finish my second day of abstinence, & I feel like I'm on top of the world! The only failure from me could of come from giving up.

Back again

On April 7th I was about to hit the 3 month mark of asbstanance. I was about to erase this blog. I felt there was no reason to blog about something I'm cured of. Just days before I hit the 3 month mark I had a day of uncontrollable binge eating. Thankfully I was back on the wagon again in less than 12 hrs. I've never recovered from a binge that quickly before. That's good news because it shows progress. OA teaches that we should strive for progress, not perfection. I showed progress because I recovered in less than 12 hrs & because I went almost 3 months without uncontrollable & destructive eating.

Fast foreword my story to today. I'm back on the wagon after a 2 day binder. Not good. Not an easy thing for me to swallow. It was particularly difficult for me because I had convinced myself that I had found a cure. That I had urges that I'd be able to ignore for the rest of my life. I'm not cured, I'm an addict. I'm addicted to food. & I'm unable to control it. Period.

I have found I use food for a lot of reasons. I use food to celebrate. I use it to deal with anger, frustration, & sadness. I especially use it when I feel like I have no control in something in my life.

I also use food to hide behind during social situations. I have social anxieties caused by PTSD. I have found I can be around people & enjoy the social situation but not have to participate in the conversations as long as my mouth was full. When I wasn't chewing I was expected to add to conversation. It's easier for me to only add to a conversation when I want to, rather than when I'm expected to. And food offers that island of safety for me.

I had progressed through the 1st 3 of the 12 steps of recovery. The 4th step is dang hard. I have to make a list of all the people I had hurt & make amends to them. I have to make a list of all the people I have negative feeling towards & what my part in that is. I also have to make a list of all my short comings & of my strengths. Sounds easy at first. Trust me it's not. I've always been a perfectionist. If I can't do something right, I just won't do it at all. And that is exactly the approach I took on the 4th step. I found it hard & wasn't sure if I could finish the step to perfection, so I stopped progressing through the steps completely.

Since I felt progressing through the 12 steps was an integral part of OA & I couldn't finish the 4th step, I stopped everything. I didn't go to meetings anymore, I stopped making out reach phone calls when I felt the desire to eat, & I got rid of my sponsor.

So tomorrow I start going back to meetings, working the 12 steps, go about finding another sponsor, & making out reach phone calls-ok, time for me to fess up, I never once made an out reach phone call. I was to proud & cowardly to ask for help. But next time I have a need to binge I'm going to try to make my 1st out reach.

Stay tuned here to see how my recovery goes. This time I know I'm an addict. I can't be cured. My addiction is something I need to learn skills to live with. My addiction is something I need to deal with on a daily basis. Everyday. I can't do this on my own. I have to work the steps, find a sponsor, follow a meal plan, & turn it over to God because this addiction is bigger than I a capable of dealing with..

month 1 of abstinance

I'm on day 38 of abstaining from destructive eating! Things are going great.