it works if you work it

Last Saturday I'd mentioned I was struggling writing out my character defects & flaws (step 6). I didn't know exactly what it was that I was afraid of, I knew whatever it was I was trying to avoid was a big part of who I am & it frightened the heck out of me!
I finally got over the writers block I had by getting onto a role playing game web page that had an endless amount of character flaws & defects listed. There were a ton of personal flaws that screamed my name all over it. I then had a personal break through. As I was copying down the character flaws that matched who I was I started to see a pattern. aha moment #1. The majority of my character flaws were the same as my Moms & ex-step Dads (for ease of writing the remainder of this post I'll refer to them both as my parents even though my ex-step Dad isn't in my life any longer). My greatest fear is that I'd end up being just like them, & I am, in enough ways that I started freaking out. So this is what I was afraid of the other night when I had writers block!

Aha moment #2. Once I realized that I was so much like my parents, I was thankful that I have what I call "good child syndrome". Since I had a Mom who was a narcissist, I learned the only way I could get her to focus on anything other than herself was to be the best son imaginable. By doing things that were above & beyond what most children were willing to do to make others happy I was able to force her to focus on me, at least temporarily.

Shortly after I realized I am just like my parents I had aha moment #3! I feel like as long as I am able to continue to be the "good child" in all relationships & aspects of my life then I'm able to feel like I'm not at all like my parents. & that's when a big truth hit me, aha moment #4! Anytime I start to feel any of my personal defects that's similar to my parents start to bubble up, I become uncomfortable, so I self medicate with food. Once I get a good food buzz going the traits that were similar to my parents go away & I'm left feeling good about myself again while simultaneously hating myself because I am binge eating & am unable to control myself.

So, every time the person I am deep inside pops up, I eat to send him away. The only way I can control myself is by losing control of myself. The only way I can like myself is to hate myself. The only way I can be myself is by not being myself. Dang, no wonder I'm an addict.

Aha moment #5. If I eat to send who I am away, then I am a fraud. Not only do I not know who I am beneath this shallow exterior, but neither does my friends, my wife, or even my own precious children.

Aha moment #6. As I continue my abstinence I'll be allowing this person who I've been hiding to come out. I'm hoping & praying that person & the good child I've always forced myself to be will combine into someone who is honest with myself & others, who isn't an addict, and who others & I like. Gulp.

I'm getting close to hitting a month of abstinence for only the 3rd time in my life!

I now understand why the 12 steps is so effective at helping people to find abstinence. The emotional & spiritual growth & healing I've gone through recently is truly amazing; a gift straight from God. The progress I've made hasn't been easy, at times it's even been painful. But it's worth it. I'm worth it.

resistance to step 6

My sponsor told me steps 4 & 5 are the hardest steps for people to get through & that's when most people fall out of program. I knocked steps 4 & 5 out of the park in 2 days & for me it was relatively easy. She then gave me a hug & told me I did a great job. Felt good to finish the steps so quickly & honestly, then get a well deserved hug & praise. Even now at 35 years old I thrive on praise like a child.

So if steps 4 & 5 are supposed to be the hardest steps why the heck have I been sitting here trying to convince myself to start writing down my character defects & flaws for the last 8 hours? Normally when I'm having a hard time writing my assignments given to me by my sponsor I can hop onto a few fellow compulsive eaters blogs & find focus & inspiration. I've read every recent blog post of everyone on my blog roll this morning, & here I still sit with a blank page in front of me. Perhaps there's something about myself I'm desperately afraid of uncovering? I'm not usually one to stress out about things. I'm great about rolling with punches both real & imaginary, so I'm very surprised at my reactions from this. My jaws ache from subconsciously clinching my teeth. I can only remember a few times in my life I've had this kind of a physical response to stress or emotions. What's going on deep down inside of me? I'm fascinated, yet frightened all at once.

My sponsor just went on a vacation & won't be available until next Friday, so that option of encouragement is out. If by later this evening I can't find the motivation to do this I'm going to call Charlie, author of the blog "Diary of a mad overeater 2.0". He has a phone number link on his blog, & I feel a connection to him. He has the same type of eating disorder as I do, & we're both followers of Christ.

I'm scared of doing this & have no idea why. Dear Jesus help me, I'm not able to do this on my own.

a "step" in the right direction

"A person doesn't achieve abstinence, they receive it." Thanks for those great words Jusme.

I finished my writing of step 4 last night. I met with my sponsor & read about my resentments, angers, & ways I've hurt others (step 5).

Step 4 wasn't nearly as hard as I thought it was going to be. I'm glad I did it. I learned a lot about myself. There's still a lot to be done, a lot more to learn. This is going to be a process. It isn't going to be as easy of a process as I'd like. But then again, if it was easy there would be no addicts left in this world.

My sponsor is now having me write on what I think my character flaws are, then I need to decide which ones I'm willing to let go of (step 6). I'll be using my writing on my resentments, fears, etc for step 4 as a guide. My sponsor told me not to worry about how I'm going to go let go of those character flaws, I should leave the "how" to God. I just need to decide which ones I need to let go of.

I realized the person I harbor the most resentment & anger towards is myself. This was surprising & humbling for me. I've felt I have always (well since my mid 20's) lived a safe & drama free life whenever it was possible. I've learned I've hurt much more than I thought I had.

A group of people I knew I'd hurt was my ex-girlfriends. I've been dreading this self inventory knowing I'd have to face how I'd treated them. With only a couple exceptions I have been blessed with great women in my life, & I've cheated on all but but a few of them In the romantic (I.E. physical) relationships of my earlier years I was usually unfaithful & I always left the relationships in a hurtful way. I've always been afraid to think about how badly I may have hurt them. Did the ripple effect of my actions cause problems in their future relationships? Fear, resentment, intimacy, trust, self esteem problems? Did I cause them to run from promising relationships like I had done to them? I'd do anything to be able go back & reverse the pain I've caused. Especially to Koleena, Audry, & Bianca. They are great people. They are the kind of women a man should have been willing to fight for. Instead I got scared of the feelings I felt & I tried to push them away. When they showed me what great women they were by staying with me regardless how hard I tried to push them away, I ran. I ended up just leaving. Never breaking up with them, never a goodbye, just disappearing. Without an explanation. If they came to my apartment, I wouldn't answer the door, I'd ignore phone calls..... I left them in the worst possible way. I left being a coward. I pushed my natural father away in the same way, & ended our relationship in the same dramatic fashion, with no contact at all for 23 years. They all deserved more. Heck, so did I.

I have not cheated on anyone since 1999 when I accepted Jesus as my savior, and I never cheated on my ex-wife.

The next step for me will be to ask God to remove my many character defects & shortcomings. To forgive myself will not be easy for me, but it'll be ok with Gods intervention. I don't use the word intervention lightly. That's exactly what it'll have to be. & I'm going to make amends whenever possible (step 9). Gulp.