unexpected response

I attended my 1st OA meeting in a month. I was going to sit quietly through the meeting learning, supporting the other more successful people, looking for a sponsor, but I was not planning on speaking. I felt to embarrassed to share with the group that I fell off the wagon again. At the last minute & on impulse I decided to let everyone know what a failure I had been. "I stopped working the 12 & 12, I fired my sponsor & never got a new one, I've never made an outreach phone call, & I fell off the wagon 2 times in the last 3 weeks. I shared how I felt I'd failed & how horrid I felt about what I'd done, what I hadn't done, & me succumbing to my addiction. I then started to say something, I don't remember what I was going to say, I just remember starting my statement, "I'm having to start all over again. I'm 2 days abstinent..." I was interrupted at that point by everyone having started clapping. I was stunned, & came to realize that they were elated that I was back and hadn't given up on myself or given in to my addiction. I realized by their reaction I shouldn't be ashamed to admit my failure. They accepted me fully no matter if I was in the middle of a massive month long binge & purge, having been abstinent for years, or back to day 2 of my abstinence. They were celebrating my return rather than being disapointed in my failure. No one was disappointed in me or what I'd done.It's great to feel acceptance for once from an addiction most people just look at as having a lack of control or having no will power. Most people look at us with eating disorders as weak willed, looking for attention, or pathetic. These people knew I wasn't weak. I don't have a self control problem. They realize I'm a person with an addiction who is trying to recover. They understand me. They support me. With that kind of support I no longer feel alone or embarrassed. So I'm back, about to finish my second day of abstinence, & I feel like I'm on top of the world! The only failure from me could of come from giving up.

Back again

On April 7th I was about to hit the 3 month mark of asbstanance. I was about to erase this blog. I felt there was no reason to blog about something I'm cured of. Just days before I hit the 3 month mark I had a day of uncontrollable binge eating. Thankfully I was back on the wagon again in less than 12 hrs. I've never recovered from a binge that quickly before. That's good news because it shows progress. OA teaches that we should strive for progress, not perfection. I showed progress because I recovered in less than 12 hrs & because I went almost 3 months without uncontrollable & destructive eating.

Fast foreword my story to today. I'm back on the wagon after a 2 day binder. Not good. Not an easy thing for me to swallow. It was particularly difficult for me because I had convinced myself that I had found a cure. That I had urges that I'd be able to ignore for the rest of my life. I'm not cured, I'm an addict. I'm addicted to food. & I'm unable to control it. Period.

I have found I use food for a lot of reasons. I use food to celebrate. I use it to deal with anger, frustration, & sadness. I especially use it when I feel like I have no control in something in my life.

I also use food to hide behind during social situations. I have social anxieties caused by PTSD. I have found I can be around people & enjoy the social situation but not have to participate in the conversations as long as my mouth was full. When I wasn't chewing I was expected to add to conversation. It's easier for me to only add to a conversation when I want to, rather than when I'm expected to. And food offers that island of safety for me.

I had progressed through the 1st 3 of the 12 steps of recovery. The 4th step is dang hard. I have to make a list of all the people I had hurt & make amends to them. I have to make a list of all the people I have negative feeling towards & what my part in that is. I also have to make a list of all my short comings & of my strengths. Sounds easy at first. Trust me it's not. I've always been a perfectionist. If I can't do something right, I just won't do it at all. And that is exactly the approach I took on the 4th step. I found it hard & wasn't sure if I could finish the step to perfection, so I stopped progressing through the steps completely.

Since I felt progressing through the 12 steps was an integral part of OA & I couldn't finish the 4th step, I stopped everything. I didn't go to meetings anymore, I stopped making out reach phone calls when I felt the desire to eat, & I got rid of my sponsor.

So tomorrow I start going back to meetings, working the 12 steps, go about finding another sponsor, & making out reach phone calls-ok, time for me to fess up, I never once made an out reach phone call. I was to proud & cowardly to ask for help. But next time I have a need to binge I'm going to try to make my 1st out reach.

Stay tuned here to see how my recovery goes. This time I know I'm an addict. I can't be cured. My addiction is something I need to learn skills to live with. My addiction is something I need to deal with on a daily basis. Everyday. I can't do this on my own. I have to work the steps, find a sponsor, follow a meal plan, & turn it over to God because this addiction is bigger than I a capable of dealing with..

month 1 of abstinance

I'm on day 38 of abstaining from destructive eating! Things are going great.

the start of success

Things have been great since I started OA on the 6th. Since then not only have I abstained from destructive eating, but my whole focus & goals have changed. My focus before had been purely worldly. I wanted to be thin, look good, & be triathlon fast. Now I realize I need to focus on abstaining from destructive eating behaviors. Before that was an impossible goal. Now I know I can accomplish abstinence by turning to God for strength, going to OA meeting, service (helping others with food issues), following a food plan daily, & using a sponsor. on the 7th I earned a 24 hour coin. I'm looking foreword to earning my 1 week coin on the Wed!

My training is going great! I have been focusing on getting my fitness base back. Once I've rebuilt a good base, I'll start to pick up the speed work again.

my 2nd OA meeting

Well, after another period of binging I realized I can't control my eating on my own. I went to my 2nd overeaters anonymous meeting this morning. My first one was months ago. I got my desire coin. I have realized I can't do it with my own self power. I need OA, the support of others like me, and God. This is exciting & scary all at the same time.

There were people in the meeting who had been abstinence of binging for decades. For the first time I think there's hope! I'll keep you tuned in.

slow & steady

I was reading a blog written by a fellow Clydesdale. He swore by a computer program called dietpower.com. I decided to try it & I'm amazed by the results I'm getting. The program keeps track of my metabolic rate, calories in, calories earned by exercise- which any calories I burn I can eat, fluid intake and fluid amount needed, amount & percentage of calories fat carb & protein, & all the macro nutrients. I've been consistently losing 2 pounds a week since I got on Dietpower.

One of the ways I'm trying to combat my binge eating while dieting this time is having 1 or 2 cheat days so I can still get the physical cravings & emotional comfort from my food that I usually need. I'll let you know if my new plan & program works. I'm very excited. I feel like this is the first time in a very long time that there is hope for me to be at a normal weight. & all of you triathletes and duathletes out there know how important it is in endurance athletics to keep our weight down.

Tomorrow I start my taper for the Polar Bear triathlon. I'm definitely overweight for this race, but I've been consistent & dedicated in my training. We'll see if all that training can help negate some of my weight gain.

the over eating has subsided

Great news, after almost 2 months of manic over eating it's finally mellowed. I'm not sure what caused the binge eating. Usually it takes some kind of stress in my life. Nothing I know of was really stressing my out.

Regardless, the overeating has subsided. Couldn't come at a better time. I have my next race in a few weeks. It's a great race in New Mexico called the Polar Bear triathlon. For an off season, reverse triathlon a lot of really tough competition shows to this race. Should be fun!

My training has been doing great!!! I've been consistent with my running & cycling, I'm making great speed gains in spite of the weight gain. My swimming is getting gradually better. I need to be more consistent getting to the pool though.

All in all I'm very happy & everything seems to mellowing out & coming together.