memoirs of a binge eating triathlete

triggered

2011-09-13T18:25:00.003-06:00

I had some down time today to watch some TV, which is a rarity for me. I tried watching Heavy on NetFlicks instant. Watching them binge eat to sooth feelings and be lost in the moment triggered me. I'm having the desire to eat and eat until I pop. Time for some prayers & writings!!!

9 months abstinant

2011-09-11T21:59:00.004-06:00

Today I hit 9 months without binge eating.

Since September I've been meeting with my sponsor once a week & had started working the 12 steps again starting with step 1. I'm currently on step 4. The 1st time I worked step 4 my list of people I am upset with or have animosity towards was huge. Now that I'm closer to Christ and am living a more harmonious 12 step life my 4th step list was so small it surprised me! I'm currently praying twice a day for the people who I have any animosity or negative feelings towards. After only 4 days most of those negative feelings I had has dissipated and feelings of acceptance and compassion are building in it's wake. Living a life for Christ and continuously working the 12 step is making me a much better person. I believe I'm much easier to get along with & be around. I'm more forgiving with myself which in turn has made me more accepting and loving to everyone around me.

I'll be going to an OA meeting to get my 9 month chip Tuesday morning!!!!!!

goal weight

2011-08-27T01:52:00.001-06:00

Many ages ago my 1st sponsor told me I needed to decide what my ultimate goal weight is. After 2 years I have finally decided what my goal weight will be: 177 pounds! I'll start trying to drop more weight after I complete Ironman Arizona in November. Right now I weigh aproximately 182.

The big book

2011-08-26T00:49:00.001-06:00

Last night I was reading the big book (alcoholics anonymous). It's an amazing book. It sure seemed to me that God had His hand in writing it. Last night I read something from page 33 that was written for me in particular:

Most of us have believed if we remained abstinent for a long stretch, we could there after eat normally....once a compulsive over eater always a compulsive over eater. If we are planning to stop destructive eating, there must be no lurking notion that someday we will be immune to food.

I've learned on multiple occasions that when I stop thinking I have a problem my compulsive binge eating comes back with a vengeance. I have to realize I'll never be a normal eater. I have to continue working the program & keeping in mind that I am & always will have an addiction. I need t take steps daily such as following a food plan, avoiding trigger foods, never eating at buffets, and praying so that I can stay abstinent or I will relapse!

a new sponsor!

2011-08-25T03:24:00.000-06:00

I have been looking for a sponsor, but I was only willing to take on a sponsor who was a follower of Christ. I feel I need the spiritual guidance only another christian could help with. Last week I went to my 1st meeting in a couple months. I was nervous, there was no reason to be but I was. I had a great meeting, got tremendous support, as usual. While at that meeting I saw someone who I believed was a christian. After the meeting I asked what his spiritual beliefs were & he admitted to being a Southern baptist. I knew immediately God put him there that day for my next step of my recovery. I asked if he was open to being my sponsor & he agreed! I'm so excited for this opportunity to grow as a recovering food addict & christian!

Just for today

2011-08-24T00:37:00.001-06:00

I will be agreeable, will look as well as I can, dress becomingly, talk low, act courteously, criticise not one bit, not find fault with anything and not try to improve or regulate anybody except myself.

I will have a program - I may not be able to follow it exactly, but I will have it. I will save myself from two pests: hurry and indecision.

focus on the positive

2011-08-23T04:18:00.000-06:00

As I've been reflecting on the last few months I realized one of the reasons I hadn't gone to any OA meetings was I'd feel obligated to admit I hadn't found a new sponsor, I hadn't been working the 12 steps, & I hadn't been to any meetings. Although those things are true, it would be better for me to focus on the positive things in my life.
- I'm 110 pounds lighter than when I 1st realized I was a compulsive over eater
- I've maintained my weight for the 1st time in my life. So far I've been maintaining for over a month.
- I did the Sandia crest climb on my bicycle! I've tried that before but had never been successful.
- I've been abstinent for over 8 months. Before this stretch I've never made it before 2 3/4 months!
- I've continued to have a strong relationship with God.
- I'm training for an Ironman for the 4th time & am making gains like I've never seen before!

I'm only in charge of me

2011-08-21T00:40:00.001-06:00

Last week I had posted on this blog that a few people in my OA group have been Jesus bashing. Their comments bothered me & they were a large reason I was no longer attending OA meetings. I believe God has spoken to me about that issue. I believe He told me that He doesn't need me to be His defender. If He wanted those people to change their view or change what they were saying He is completely capable of handling that Himself. My only job is to keep a strong relationship with Him, follow His word, & do my best to be the best example I can be because I may be the only bible someone ever reads. I cant control what people say, more importantly I shouldn't try. I need to focus on myself & my relationship with God. If someone else hates Jesus that's between them & God. It doesn't have anything to do with me & God wants me to stay out of it. The only thing I have the right to do is love others not because of who they are, but IN SPITE of who they are.

relapse imminent

2011-08-17T09:14:00.008-06:00

After almost 3 months of not going to any OA meetings I've come very close to falling off the wagon & ruining my 8 months of abstinence. The last 3 days I've ate a little more calories than I had planned on my food log each day. A few meals I've changed at the last minute & ate something completely different than I'd planned. I'm perilously close to falling off the wagon. Yesterday I didn't eat the lunch I'd planned, instead I ate some take out my wife had been saving. Her feelings were hurt that I ate something she had been saving & asked me not to eat. Unfortunately she's seen me like this many times before. It's not pretty. I don't make moral or honest decisions when I relapse.

I seem to fall off the wagon around 3 months before any of my big priority triathlons, & I have Ironman Arizona in 13 weeks. I cant count the times I've fallen off the wagon & gained 50-70 pounds before a big race. Happens every time!

I haven't worked out 2 days in a row, I've not followed my food plan 3 days in a row. My working out & eating are conected somehow. When I fall off the wagon with my food I stop working out. If I take too many days off from triathlon training I fall off the wagon with my eating.

I went to an OA meeting yesterday & found a long time OA member who is a christian & I asked him to be my sponsor. He gave me my 1st assignment. I got up to step 7 with my last sponsor a little less than a year ago so my new sponsor's having me read from the big book up to step 4. We're fast forwarding to step 4 because he knows I have a strong relationship with Jesus.

on my way

2011-08-15T06:09:00.005-06:00

Yesterday we celebrated my middle child's birthday. My mother and father who have been divorced since I was 2 years old were both at the party. This was the 1st time they were together at a function for my children. I was stressed. Before my kids were born if something bad happened between them I could handle it because I'd dealt with them squabbling my whole life, I was used to it. But it was different yesterday. I want more than that for my babies. Some how, some way everything turned out ok & my sons birthday party was a success. The 1 big mistake of the day was I worried about it rather than praying & asking God for help. I should have put it on His shoulders, He's strong enough to handle those kinds of things, I'm not.

All the worry & stress I was going through triggered me & I overate on pizza. I went about 1000 calories over what I had on my food plan. I believe God had me come so close to falling off the wagon last night to motivate me to go back to OA meetings. After I write this I'll be on my way to my 1st OA meeting in 8 months. I'll be picking up my 8 month chip. That will be exciting!

is it them or my addiction that's the problem?

2011-08-09T16:39:00.005-06:00

To give those who follow my blog an update, I still haven't found a sponsor, & to top it off I've stopped going to meetings. The last few times I've gone to the meetings there has been comments from people that was down right Jesus bashing. I understand not everyone believes as I do. I try to be sensitive to others & their beliefs, but there seems to be a real anti-Jesus sentiment here in Santa Fe. The 1st couple times I heard those comments in OA meetings I tried to just ignore them & stay strong in my faith & abstinence. The last comment I heard that was the proverbial straw was, "I'm tired of getting a face full of Jesus."

It was more than I could take, so I left the meeting and haven't been back. I've stayed strong in my recovery without the meetings & a sponsor, I'll hit 8 months abstinence this week & I've maintained my weight for the 1st time in my adult life! I went through a 3 month stretch where my staying strong with my recovery was easy. It was like breathing, I could do it without thinking. But I'm struggling more & more. I'm finding myself obsessing about food again. I'll eat a little more at meals than my food plan allowed, I'd then try to make up for it by eating less the next day to make up for the extra calories I'd ate the day before. I seem to be going up & down in my eating & my food obsessions. I'm afraid I'm perilously close to going back to my days of food insanity. Binge, diet, binge diet. Sometimes the pattern would flop back to the high or low in 3 month intervals, sometimes withing hours.... Gaining 50 pounds in 2 months, taking 6 months to lose it.... I don't want that life again, but I'll always be an addict. I'll always struggle, I'm afraid I'll always be in pain. It's painful to see others eat my trigger foods in moderation & see them enjoy it & not use it to destroy themselves like I end up doing. I wish I could eat, enjoy it and move on... I can't. If I eat it I become an addict in the worst possible way. I binge eat to the point where I over load my kidneys. I'm getting closer to that person lost in my addiction since I am not aggressively pursuing my recovery. I now to do some real self inventory very soon or I'll end up relapsing: Am I staying away from meetings because they are insulting my God or is it my addiction being cunning & forcing me back into isolation? Is it them or my addiction that's the problem?

Thanks for listening. I wont take as long to post again. scouts honor...

stopping my weight loss, maintenance time

2011-05-05T15:20:00.000-06:00

I've decided to maintain my current weight for at least a few weeks even though I'm only 2.5 pounds away from my goal weight of 190. I'm seeing signs that my body is no longer content being on a calorie restricted diet. I feel weak & am not training well. At last weekends race I felt slow & unable to push myself as hard I'm usually able to. The biggest sign I'm seeing is MY HUNGER!

I've been losing an average of 1.5 to 1.75 pounds a week since January. I wasn't restricting my calories enough to feel that hungry, but gradually the hunger has been building, & yesterday I was hungry enough that I was very unpleasant to be around. I've had this happen before: I'd get close to a goal weight and I'd ignore my bodies warning signs. Then I'd end up falling off the wagon & gaining most or all of my weight back. So this time I'm not going to ignore my body. Even though I'm only 2.5 to 3 pounds away from my goal weight, I'm going to do what my body's telling me it needs. This time I'm not so focused on the short term that I end up destroying my long term goal. I'm going to let my body recover & start to feel good again. Perhaps I'll try to drop the extra 3 pounds in late May or early June. If I decide to, it will be because my body feels great & I know it's ready & able to. If I feel that my body isn't ready, I won't. This more moderate approach to dieting is something I've never done before, which probably explains why I've always shown up to my Ironman triathlons over weight. The only thing that has held me back from finishing an Iron distance triathlon in under 13 hours has been my weight. Hopefully this November I'll show up to Ironman Arizona between 180-200 pounds & break that elusive 13 hour mark!

back into my skinny clothes

2011-04-26T21:05:00.002-06:00

Last winter I gained back all the weight I had struggled for so long to get & keep off. I was forced to take all the clothes I could no longer fit into out to the shed & bring in all my fat clothes. It was one of the most painful experiences of my life. I was once again the fat man.

In January I got back on the wagon. I've lost a large portion of the weight I'd gained. Today, I'm proud to say, I was able to bring my skinny clothes back inside & throw all my fat clothes outside once again! It felt so good!!!!!

3 cheers for skinny clothes!!!

PS. This weekend I was able to avoid binge eating for the 1st Easter ever!

day 1 training for Ironman Arizona!

2011-04-25T12:34:00.006-06:00

I went to my 1st OA meeting in a couple weeks. I got my 4 month chip. It felt great. I'm promising myself that I'll hit at least 1 meeting a week from here on out. Not only do I feel better after the meeting, but I'm going to need the extra help for the next 7 months.

Today was my 1st day of a 7 month training program for Ironman Arizona. I'm so excited, but I'm also frightened. Training for Ironman distance triathlon causes massive problems with my eating.

1)I know light is fast, so I try & get to as low of a body weight I can handle. When I get to low it makes me hungrier, which all to often throws me into a binge.

2) the massive training load for an Iron distance triathlon stresses the body out physically, emotionally, & even spiritually. In times of stress I tend to binge.

3) The training makes me tired, which makes me want to binge for comfort.

4) The massive amounts of training needed for an Ironman makes me HUNGRY! The amazing hunger that can accompany Ironman training can make me rationalize eating in ways that are destructive to my abstinence.

5) The 2 months before my Ironman I start to get worried, excited, nervous, etc, which makes me binge.

The last time I trained exclusively for an Ironman my body weight shot from 204 in September to 237 on race day in November. The Year before that I shot up from 187 in July to 250 in November.

I'm very excited to be training for an Ironman. My dream is to go sub 12 hours someday, which I believe I could do IF I'm able to show up on race day weighing under 190 pounds. But since I'm a compulsive binge eater that's a mighty big IF!!! & by the way, if you know of any endurance athletes who have an eating disorder & are available to become a sponsor, please send them my way!

Thanks for tuning in, you are helping in my recovery.

weight, triathlon, sponsor, sci-fi, and other things on my mind

2011-04-24T21:50:00.005-06:00

I'm a couple weeks away from hitting the 5 month mark of abstinence from compulsive binge eating. I'm following a strict food plan, following my definition of abstinence, & staying strong with my Lord God. Those are the only things keeping me on the wagon because I'm not working the steps, nor do I have a sponsor. I haven't even started looking for another sponsor. If I see another compulsive over eater who is or was an endurance athlete and is looking for a sponoree I'd jump at the opportunity, but the likely hood of that happening are as good as me qualiying for Kona. As promised I'm going to start looking for a sponsor once I've read the Star Wars books that's been released & I haven't read. Since my sponsor & I parted ways I've read The Old republic & the 1st & 2nd of the Darth Bane series. I need to finish the 3rd of the Darth Bane series, & the Fate of the Jedi series. Anyways, enough of my nerdiness & my excuses of not actively looking for another sponsor.

My weight is now 197 pounds. I'm 7 pounds away from my goal weight of 190. 190 isn't my "dream" weight, but it's the weight I'm shooting to get to for now. I'm planning on maintaining 190 until September, then I'm hoping to drop down to my dream weight of 180 by Ironman Arizona in November. I'm very excited about reaching my goal weight (190). I've been dieting since January. For the last three & a half months I've been cutting 1000 calories a day from my diet and have lost 38 pounds! I'm now 4 weeks from my goal. Once I reach my goal I'll be able to start eating my metabolic rate, which right now is 3,200 calories a day- I love triathlon training! It makes my metabolism run hot like a fine oiled machine!

I raced this weekend. I pushed myself hard the entire race. One of the best efforts I've ever had, but my time wasn't anywhere near the time I finished with last year at the same race. Last year I didn't have the focus or drive that I did this year. The difference between last years time & this years slower time is my weight. I'm 10 pounds heavier. I'm still searching to find a balance between getting to as low of a weight as I can without binging. The lighter I get, the hungrier I am all the time, if I get too hungry I end up binge eating. It's a balancing act I've yet to learn to balance. Last year I got down to 184 pounds before I fell off the wagon, I then shot up tp 235 pounds in a couple months. So I'm hoping if I stop trying to lose weight once I get to 190 pounds, I can maintain that weight until September. Then in September drop to 180 & maintain 180 forever. I'll keep you posted on how it goes. Thanks for tuning in, you are instrumental in my recovery!

Recovery means healing & learning

2011-04-11T21:17:00.004-06:00

Yesterday I talked to my Mom for the 1st time in a couple months. As usual, it didn't go well. First I was angry, then I felt like crying, & then for half an hour my eyes kept welling up with tears, & I thought to myself that eating would deaden those feelings, but I wasn't having a desire to binge. But that was just a thought, not a deep desire or need for food. I'd never had that happen before. I always either ignored the problem or I ate my feelings. This was progress. For the 1st time I felt feelings like a normal human being. For the first time I felt without needing to dump food into the emotion. This is progress. Sunday night I took my 3 babies to Hoots for a birthday party. I spent three entire hours chasing, jumping, & running with my babies. I had more fun than I can ever remember having. I couldn't have done that when I was 300 pounds. Recovery has not only helped me get in touch with my feelings, it's also helped me become a better father. Sunday night my 19 month old was teething. He was SO tired from a busy day of 2 church services, a lunch with another couple from church, & then the birthday party. But he was up until late last night teething & crying. I finally laid down on the couch with him on my chest & cuddled up under a blanket. He slept soundly the rest of the night. He was still in pain, but me holding & loving on him made him comforted enough to sleep through the pain. I enjoyed the bonding moment with him, & I realized that as much as I love my son & will always do everything I can to help relieve him of the pain he's going through, God loves me that much & more. And He's even more willing to help me through times that are painful or too much for me to bare on my own. All I have to do is ask God for help & He will. Just as I enjoyed helping my son in his time of need, God would find great fulfillment from helping me & having fellowship with me. Recovery isn't easy, but it heals physically, emotional, & spiritually. It can help better our relationships with our family, friends, co-workers, God, & even ourselves. I'm so happy. Thank you Jesus.

another race, another few mile stones.

2011-04-05T17:33:00.004-06:00

Amazingly I'm still abstinent! 111 days! 9 days until I hit 4 months! I competed in a triathlon this weekend, ran 7:36 minute miles for 3.2 miles, averaged 19 mph on a 15.5 mile bike, and a 10:30 500 meter swim. 5th place AG, 33rd overall out of 250. I'm weighing 201 pounds, down 34 since Jan 1st!!! I fit into a large work pants for the 1st time since last Aug! Happy happy joy joy!!!

easy big guy!

2011-03-29T21:36:00.002-06:00

This weekend I competed in a triathlon. I had a blast! Racing always motivates me to stay on course with my workouts & diet. With my OCD I have to be careful though. I have a tendency to go over board and start pushing myself way to hard on both accounts. Most triathletes who aren't naturally thin time their weight loss to be at the lowest they can get for a particular race, then gain a little weight during their off season. Last year I got a little overzealous, I trained & dieted to hard for way way to long! I got down to 184 pounds at %8.5 body fat. I felt ok at 184 pounds for awhile, but once my body had enough I lost control in a huge way! In a little over 2 months I lost my abstinence & gained 51 pounds. Ouch. I'm trying to stay focused this year on 2 main goals: big numero uno is my abstinence! This is what I care most about. My 2nd goal is to try and get triathlon thin for my Ironman this year. I believe these 2 goals are not exclusive of each other. I'm thinking if I can get down to 190 pounds by May (I feel great at that weight & can stay at 190 forever without problems), then maintain that weight until September 1st, then try & get down to my dream race weight of 180-185 pounds by race day. I think (hope) that 10 weeks will give me enough time to lose the weight slowly and comfortably so I don't get overly hungry, which can make a person overeat. Overeating for a normal person may not be a big deal. In a meal or two they are back to "normal" and able to asses what may have happened & what to do about it. A food addict like me may not be able to get back on the wagon for months or years. I know, I've been there many times! I desperately want to avoid becoming out of control with my eating, but I also desperately want to be a fast Iron distance triathlete, and in triathlon light is fast. If I'm over weight at a race I'm slow, but if I go to over board with my dieting then I fall off the wagon and gain 100 pounds- I've done it. I need to do some praying on this & be honest with myself when I'm in the process of dropping that last 10 pounds or I'll regret it in huge way! Anyone know any endurance athletes who are looking to be an OA sponsor? If so point them my way. I'd really like to find a sponsor who understands the endurance athletes life style while also understanding the compulsive over eaters life style. With how prevalent food disorders are in endurance sports there has to be someone out there who could help me balance both simultaneously.

God's will

2011-03-28T21:15:00.003-06:00

The last couple months my sponsor & I had been having a hard time connecting. I was trying to reach her, & I believe she was trying also, things just weren't panning out like we both needed. We decided to part ways. I'm now sponsor-less. I'm ok with the ways things worked out- I'd even be willing to say I'm optimistic. I believe since we were both wanting to do our part but things outside of our control were preventing us, then it must have been God's intervention. I believe He chose for this to happen for the overall good of one or both of us. I've decided to take 3 weeks to catch up on my reading before I attempt to get another sponsor. I'm an avid reader and haven't been able to read much since starting to work the 12 steps. I may be making a mistake by not going out and actively looking for a new sponsor immediately. Perhaps it's my addiction "convincing" me to be selfish for a few weeks. I dunno, but I'm about to find out. I'll keep up my relationship with God, praying, building my food plan daily, working out 6 times a week, and attending at least 1 OA meeting a week. I'm hoping that will be enough to keep me abstinent until I've finished the Star Wars books that's been published since I got into program. Only God knows for sure........

3 months at last!

2011-03-16T06:50:00.003-06:00

I made 3 months of abstinence from compulsive overeating! The night before I hit 3 months was brutal! I was obsessing over food, & had a desperate need to binge eat. I made a couple outreach phone calls, read a few blogs on compulsive overeating, & prayed, & that got me through the night. I'd like to give a big thanks to Charlie who I only knew from his blog, I called him & that made a huge difference in my desire to binge.

The next day, thanks to the good Lord I felt better. I got my 3 month chip at my OA meeting. That felt so wonderful.

Anyways, I need to head out on my bike ride before the kids wake up so I'm singing off for now. Thanks everyone!

2 months 3 weeks & 6 days abstinent & I'm in trouble

2011-03-14T16:42:00.008-06:00

I've made it farther into abstinence than I ever have. Tomorrow I earn my 3 month chip. At least I should...... I'm not sure I'll make it. I've been obsessing about food most of the last 2 weeks. My definition of abstinence is to avoid a pattern of compulsive eating. Today during lunch was the first time I didn't follow my food plan. I didn't go crazy, I ate 1 P & B sandwich, 2 gum balls, & 4 3/8 oz goldfish more than I should have. Usually a small amount during 1 meal over what I should have ate is the breaking point. Once I do that I'm usually completely unable to eat in moderation. By unable to eat in moderation I mean binge eating so severe that I'll completely wreck my families finances from the amount of food I'll buy & eat in a week or less. Ten thousand calories a day would be a moderate day of binging. Sometimes these binges last weeks, but sometimes they last much longer. My binges have lasted a year and a half before. I'm afraid. If I can pull myself together by dinner I may have a chance, but I've never made it past 2 meals of eating unplanned food before. God help me.

2011-03-02T17:15:00.003-07:00

3 weeks ago I started reading a book called "understanding the borderline mother." It explains my mother perfectly, I've realized she has borderline personality disorder. On one hand the book was very healing because I was able to realize that my mother's actions & treatment of me wasn't my fault. I also realized her actions aren't because she's mean or evil, it's because she's sick. It was good for me to learn about her problem & to learn some of how to deal with her, but on the other hand it stated clearly in the book that there's no cure for her borderline personality. She will be that way forever.

Recently my wife & I had started going to counseling to try & fix some of the problems between my Mother & us. No matter what my wife or I said my mother twisted what we said or lied about what was said. Unfortunately I learned counseling was futile. There's no fixing her & there's no changing her. I have a choice to make, I can either except her for who she is & what she does or I can cut her out of my life. I'd prefer a life without her, but my wife & church councilor is saying I should keep a relationship with her & just try my best to avoid giving her ammunition to use against me when she gets angry & tries to slander my wife & I, which is what she always does anytime anyone disagrees with her no matter how small the issue it is. In her mind a person is either all for her or against her & she plays dirty when she goes to war against someone.

The good news is now I know & understand her, the bad news is that since I started reading this book I stopped pretty much all my eating recovery. I hadn't gone to an OA meeting in 3 weeks. I haven't worked on any of the 12 steps or done any writings in 3 weeks. & I haven't been able to get a hold of my sponsor, but only half of those missed phone calls were my fault.

Somehow I have been able to stay abstinent & not fall back into a pattern of destructive eating. I believe most of that was because I kept a decent relationship with Christ. Also because I have a very strong food plan that I got into the habit of doing without fail.

This last weekend my wife & I went to Pagosa Springs Colorado for the weekend. That was the 1st time we were able to get away without our kids in over 4 years. Usually being away from home, work, etc will throw me into binge eating. Celebration is also a huge trigger for me, this weekend was both. But I was able to continue my abstinence. I'm now 2 weeks away from hitting 3 months abstinence. I've never hit 3 months before.

I will start working the 12 steps & writings again tonight. Thank God that God is with me, other wise this would have been a horrible 3 weeks of binging & weight gain.

a chip & a smaller pants!

2011-02-14T17:26:00.003-07:00

Tomorrow I go to my overeaters anonymous meeting to get my 60 day abstinence chip!!! Hurray!!!

Today I fit back into my size 36 pants for the 1st time since last August!!! Hurray!!!

my sponsor and my mother

2011-02-10T06:24:00.006-07:00

Training update: I've lost 22 pounds since Jan. I'm now 28 pounds from my dream race weight. Next weekend I'll be competing in my 1st multisport race since last July.

I hit 60 days of abstinence in 3 days!!! I've only hit 2 months twice before. I've never got to the 3 month mark.

Recently I got my feelings hurt by a comment my sponsor had made to me. A couple days later I talked to her & she had explained that when she said my writing lacked depth, she had meant my last writing only, not all of the writings and steps I've worked. That made me feel so much better about myself & the work I've done on the 12 steps. In regards to my last writing, she was absolutely correct, it was lacking depth. I thought about it & realized I had developed a feeling of self righteousness about the last 6 or 7 character flaws that I was unwilling to ask God to remove from me (step 7). I guess I had felt that since I had started out with 2 pages of character flaws I felt I should be allowed to embrace the few I was unable or unwilling to ask God to remove. That simply won't do. They are flaws & I should continue to try & better myself for God, all those around me, & even myself. I was wrong, my sponsor was absolutely correct.

It has always been frustrating for me to explain my mother because when I tell people about her I end up sounding like I'm crazy. Her actions sound so extreme, her plots so intricate, & the lies so prolific that I feel people think I'm lying. I decided to write about my major complaints about my mother. It was very healing.

These were the things I wrote about pertaining to my mother:

- Her entire life revolves around whatever man she is in a relationship with. Her whole personality changes & she becomes like him. If he's a cowboy she starts dressing like a cowgirl, buys a house in the country, buys horses, etc.

- She continuously puts the man she's in a relationship with and his needs above what's best for me or what I need. She will freak out & defend her man & get pissed at me if there's a problem between him & I, even if he's the one who is causing the problem & I'm completely innocent.

- in relationships, especially in the early stages of the relationships she ignored me & becames angry when I needed anything because it took her focus, time, & attention from her man. Now I could care less, but when I was a kid it was devastating to me.

- She was horribly controlling. I wasn't allowed to visit friends. I wasn't allowed any privacy. I wasn't allowed to talk about it if I was upset. I wasn't allowed to have an opinion unless it was the same opinion my mother had. I had to act as if I liked something if she liked it or I would be shunned & ignored. I had to pretend I disliked the things she disliked or I was shunned.

- she would use her love & attention to control me. Anytime she was disappointed, upset, or angry she would act as if I didn't exist. Since I wasn't allowed to have any friends & was only allowed minimal contact with anyone other than her, when she cut off ties with me I felt as if my whole world had ended. I'd become depressed & suicidal until she acted like she loved me again.

- she doesn't remember entire conversations or problems especially when she was the cause of the problems. She will deny the truth no matter what facts or proof is given.

- she claims people say things during conversations that they never said.

- she makes the same mistakes over & over regardless of the consequences. She never learns from those mistakes & she becomes irate & denies it if anyone suggests she has made that mistake before. She'll claim that person is lying or she'll come up with an amazing conspiracy story to show they are wrong & just trying to hurt her.

- she lies constantly!!!! She lies frequently!!!!

- she makes up stories about people who she's having problems with. These stories seem to become her reality. Eventually she seems to believe her lies & manipulations. It's as if she's living in her own reality.

- she's impulsive. When she gets something in her head she does it even if it's hurtful, dishonest, & irresponsible.

- she either worships or loathes a person. There's no in between. The smallest slight, even an imagined one can cause her to turn on someone. When she turns on that person she doesn't try to talk or work the problem out. She goes to WAR on them. She tries to turn people against them & manipulates other people to turn on them by lying, plotting, & using crazy conspiracy theories.

- she confuses the boundaries of son & romantic relationship. There were times as a teenager or pre-teen that her hugs & kisses were inappropriate.

- she was consistently barging in on me & trying to catch me when I was showering, especially after puberty. The older I got the worse that problem became. In high school I knew without fail she'd run into the bathroom when I was bathing at least once, usually much more. I wasn't allowed to lock any doors, if I ever tried to lock the door for privacy she became furious. The older I got the more she did that. That behavior finally stopped my junior year of high school when she moved us into another mans house & she became focused/obsessed with him for awhile.

- she sets me up to look bad & to make her look like a victim. Especially to the man she's in a relationship with, and especially when they have been together less than a couple years. I.E. One time she asked me if there was anything about her ex-husband (who was physically abusive to her) that I missed (they hadn't been split up for very long). I said no. She kept pushing & asking all sorts of questions & was becoming upset when I wasn't making it sound like I missed him at all. She finally asked if there was anything he used to do with me that I missed. That seemed like an innocent question so I told her sometimes I missed hunting, but I didn't miss him. She immediately went to her new husband and told him I had said I missed her ex-husband & wanted us to go back. I never said that. She lied to make herself seem like a victim who needed to be saved from the evil son.

- she will cut off contact with entire groups of friends & family unexpectedly. She seems unable to keep long term friendships.

- She allowed the men she had relationships with to abuse me. She didn't defend me, stand up for me, or protect me.

turns for the worse

2011-02-04T06:30:00.003-07:00

Things were on an all time high for awhile. When things are great they are fantastic, but when it's not everything sure turns bad quickly.

On Tuesday I got a text message from my mother saying she doubted she could work through the problems she has with my wife since there is more than one issue. She said if there was only one problem she could see hope, but since there's more than one she doubts they can. This was the 6th time she said this to me in a couple weeks. She then asked if she could call & talk to me. I responded saying she could as long as it was about her & I. I said that because she gossips & slanders A LOT! Many times word has come to me about some horrible lies she has said about my wife & myself. A week earlier I had asked her to promise me that she wouldn't talk negatively about my wife & I to mutual friends and our family anymore. She promised me she wouldn't. By telling her I was only willing to talk about her & I, all I was doing was reminding her of that promise. She responded with the following text. I copy & pasted it so it is exactly what she wrote.

"Dont misinterpret what i said. i said this whole situation has me feeling steamrolled aka overwhelmed. i thought Dr reinhart encourages everyone to express how they feel. didn't realize that is 4 everyone but me. u just minimized my feelings and made me feel really unimportant".

All I did was remind her not to gossip & slander & I got that kind of a nasty message? She is selfish & hurtful.

I could go on & on about why that exchange elicited a defensive response in me. But what it boils down to is since I was a kid she has made me feel like I'm not allowed to have any opinions or feelings of my own. On the rare times I have expressed my opinion she has attacked me & has gone out of her way to make me feel like I'm some kind of abuser & she is a victim. The other reason I felt hurt by her response is that growing up I was not allowed to make or set boundaries to keep myself safe. Anytime I have ever tried to make a boundary, such as not slandering me to someone, she has challenged me & become verbally & physically aggressive so that she could make me feel like I did something wrong. If that didn't make me be submissive to her then she'd make it seem like I'm an evil person & that she's a victim who is being abused by me. A prime example of this was when I was growing up she'd tell me all sorts of horrible things about my natural father in hopes of making me turn against him. When I was in 2nd grade she told me my Dad cheated on her & that he said he never wanted to be a father. She also said that she left my father because he wore women's under wear & she feared what a man who did that would do to her son. What kind of a person says things that that to a 2nd grader?

When I was in middle school she told me he used to be a part of circle jerks. I didn't know what that meant so she told me it's where a bunch of men make a circle and masturbate together. Highly inappropriate to tell anyone about their father, but I feel it was especially abusive to tell a boy that young.

Last month I asked her not to tell me bad things about my Dad anymore, & if there was ever something she felt she had to tell me about him that she should ask me if she could first. She completely ignored my request & told me that I'm a child from rape. She then told me her Mom & Dad didn't care & forced her to marry him. Who the heck would ever say stuff like that? What about my feelings?

Then on Friday I talked to my sponsor. She told me she felt I was rushing through the steps & that my writing were shallow & lacked depth. Ouch. That hurt. In my mind I wasn't trying to rush through them, I was motivated to work the steps as best as I could. If my writings seemed shallow then I'm not sure what I can do differently because what I wrote was the best I had. If my writings are the best I can do but aren't good enough then in my mind there's no point in continuing.

I'm feeling overwhelmed, hurt deeply, & lost. I know have no idea what to do. It's Gods grace alone that is keeping me abstinent because if I had the smallest craving in my current state of weakness I'd fall apart. I thank the Lord Jesus Christ for stepping in on my behalf & shouldering my desire to binge.

There is good news. I've also lost all my feelings of burnout with triathlon training! I've gone over 3 weeks without missing a single workout & I've figured out what my race schedule will be for the entire year. I'll be competing in 9 sprint distance triathlons, one half Ironman triathlon, & one full distance triathlon. & Since December I've lost 20 pounds. I'm now 30 pounds from my ultimate dream weight. Again, I've been successful because of Gods grave & love because I've tried my entire adult life to overcome my binge eating unsuccessfully. It wasn't until I turned it over to Jesus that I've been able to feel like I have some ability to have a normal life.

If any of you are willing to pray for me right now I'd sure be grateful.

Thank you. By reading this I feel like I'm able share about this dark & lonely disease I have of compulsive overeating, & because of that I feel less alone & misunderstood. You are helping in my recovery, & for that I can never tell you how grateful I am.

The Innkeeper (by John Piper)

2011-01-26T07:17:00.002-07:00

And the dream begins...again

2011-01-22T06:18:00.003-07:00

The last month has been fantastic. My original goal from mid December to now was to try & stop binge eating & get back to consistent triathlon training. In the last month I've lost 12 pounds & haven't missed a workout! Even better than I had hoped!

I'm now at 222 pounds, & determined to get back to the fitness levels I was this past summer & get back to my dream weight of 185.... again. I was 184 in July 2010, & then my mother got back in contact with me after 14 months of peace, to trauma, no stress, & no communication at all. Having contact with her caused a colossal back slide of missed workouts & mind blowing emotional binge eating. I gained 50 pounds in 2 months. But I'm back on course & I'm on a roll! I've set a goal of hitting my dream weight of 185 by June 3rd, which will be a weight loss of 37 pounds in 4.5 months. That's an average of 1.85 pounds of weight loss a week. Not crazy. Doable.

I've got on a roll like this a few times before. After months & months (seemed like forever!) of eating healthy, following a food plan, logging my calories, working out hard, & being just a little bit hungry everyday I'd finally got to my goal weight. The problem with me is maintaining my weight. I've never once in my life been able to maintain. I'm either gaining weight fast or losing it slowly, never staying the same! I'm hoping with my revitalized relationship with Jesus, & my work in the OA 12 & 12 I'll get to my dream weight & maintain it for the first time. If I could get to & maintain my dream weight of 185 until November when I compete in Ironman Arizona I'd be 52 pounds lighter than when I set my Ironman personal best time of 14 hours 37 minutes. At 52 pounds lighter I'd CRUSH my old PR! So now I start my quest & dream of being triathlete thin & shoot for Iron glory once again. I'll keep you updated on how I do. Thanks for your support.

it works if you work it

2011-01-12T06:15:00.002-07:00

Last Saturday I'd mentioned I was struggling writing out my character defects & flaws (step 6). I didn't know exactly what it was that I was afraid of, I knew whatever it was I was trying to avoid was a big part of who I am & it frightened the heck out of me!
I finally got over the writers block I had by getting onto a role playing game web page that had an endless amount of character flaws & defects listed. There were a ton of personal flaws that screamed my name all over it. I then had a personal break through. As I was copying down the character flaws that matched who I was I started to see a pattern. aha moment #1. The majority of my character flaws were the same as my Moms & ex-step Dads (for ease of writing the remainder of this post I'll refer to them both as my parents even though my ex-step Dad isn't in my life any longer). My greatest fear is that I'd end up being just like them, & I am, in enough ways that I started freaking out. So this is what I was afraid of the other night when I had writers block!

Aha moment #2. Once I realized that I was so much like my parents, I was thankful that I have what I call "good child syndrome". Since I had a Mom who was a narcissist, I learned the only way I could get her to focus on anything other than herself was to be the best son imaginable. By doing things that were above & beyond what most children were willing to do to make others happy I was able to force her to focus on me, at least temporarily.

Shortly after I realized I am just like my parents I had aha moment #3! I feel like as long as I am able to continue to be the "good child" in all relationships & aspects of my life then I'm able to feel like I'm not at all like my parents. & that's when a big truth hit me, aha moment #4! Anytime I start to feel any of my personal defects that's similar to my parents start to bubble up, I become uncomfortable, so I self medicate with food. Once I get a good food buzz going the traits that were similar to my parents go away & I'm left feeling good about myself again while simultaneously hating myself because I am binge eating & am unable to control myself.

So, every time the person I am deep inside pops up, I eat to send him away. The only way I can control myself is by losing control of myself. The only way I can like myself is to hate myself. The only way I can be myself is by not being myself. Dang, no wonder I'm an addict.

Aha moment #5. If I eat to send who I am away, then I am a fraud. Not only do I not know who I am beneath this shallow exterior, but neither does my friends, my wife, or even my own precious children.

Aha moment #6. As I continue my abstinence I'll be allowing this person who I've been hiding to come out. I'm hoping & praying that person & the good child I've always forced myself to be will combine into someone who is honest with myself & others, who isn't an addict, and who others & I like. Gulp.

I'm getting close to hitting a month of abstinence for only the 3rd time in my life!

I now understand why the 12 steps is so effective at helping people to find abstinence. The emotional & spiritual growth & healing I've gone through recently is truly amazing; a gift straight from God. The progress I've made hasn't been easy, at times it's even been painful. But it's worth it. I'm worth it.

resistance to step 6

2011-01-08T06:14:00.001-07:00

My sponsor told me steps 4 & 5 are the hardest steps for people to get through & that's when most people fall out of program. I knocked steps 4 & 5 out of the park in 2 days & for me it was relatively easy. She then gave me a hug & told me I did a great job. Felt good to finish the steps so quickly & honestly, then get a well deserved hug & praise. Even now at 35 years old I thrive on praise like a child.

So if steps 4 & 5 are supposed to be the hardest steps why the heck have I been sitting here trying to convince myself to start writing down my character defects & flaws for the last 8 hours? Normally when I'm having a hard time writing my assignments given to me by my sponsor I can hop onto a few fellow compulsive eaters blogs & find focus & inspiration. I've read every recent blog post of everyone on my blog roll this morning, & here I still sit with a blank page in front of me. Perhaps there's something about myself I'm desperately afraid of uncovering? I'm not usually one to stress out about things. I'm great about rolling with punches both real & imaginary, so I'm very surprised at my reactions from this. My jaws ache from subconsciously clinching my teeth. I can only remember a few times in my life I've had this kind of a physical response to stress or emotions. What's going on deep down inside of me? I'm fascinated, yet frightened all at once.

My sponsor just went on a vacation & won't be available until next Friday, so that option of encouragement is out. If by later this evening I can't find the motivation to do this I'm going to call Charlie, author of the blog "Diary of a mad overeater 2.0". He has a phone number link on his blog, & I feel a connection to him. He has the same type of eating disorder as I do, & we're both followers of Christ.

I'm scared of doing this & have no idea why. Dear Jesus help me, I'm not able to do this on my own.

a "step" in the right direction

2011-01-07T06:31:00.007-07:00

"A person doesn't achieve abstinence, they receive it." Thanks for those great words Jusme.

I finished my writing of step 4 last night. I met with my sponsor & read about my resentments, angers, & ways I've hurt others (step 5).

Step 4 wasn't nearly as hard as I thought it was going to be. I'm glad I did it. I learned a lot about myself. There's still a lot to be done, a lot more to learn. This is going to be a process. It isn't going to be as easy of a process as I'd like. But then again, if it was easy there would be no addicts left in this world.

My sponsor is now having me write on what I think my character flaws are, then I need to decide which ones I'm willing to let go of (step 6). I'll be using my writing on my resentments, fears, etc for step 4 as a guide. My sponsor told me not to worry about how I'm going to go let go of those character flaws, I should leave the "how" to God. I just need to decide which ones I need to let go of.

I realized the person I harbor the most resentment & anger towards is myself. This was surprising & humbling for me. I've felt I have always (well since my mid 20's) lived a safe & drama free life whenever it was possible. I've learned I've hurt much more than I thought I had.

A group of people I knew I'd hurt was my ex-girlfriends. I've been dreading this self inventory knowing I'd have to face how I'd treated them. With only a couple exceptions I have been blessed with great women in my life, & I've cheated on all but but a few of them In the romantic (I.E. physical) relationships of my earlier years I was usually unfaithful & I always left the relationships in a hurtful way. I've always been afraid to think about how badly I may have hurt them. Did the ripple effect of my actions cause problems in their future relationships? Fear, resentment, intimacy, trust, self esteem problems? Did I cause them to run from promising relationships like I had done to them? I'd do anything to be able go back & reverse the pain I've caused. Especially to Koleena, Audry, & Bianca. They are great people. They are the kind of women a man should have been willing to fight for. Instead I got scared of the feelings I felt & I tried to push them away. When they showed me what great women they were by staying with me regardless how hard I tried to push them away, I ran. I ended up just leaving. Never breaking up with them, never a goodbye, just disappearing. Without an explanation. If they came to my apartment, I wouldn't answer the door, I'd ignore phone calls..... I left them in the worst possible way. I left being a coward. I pushed my natural father away in the same way, & ended our relationship in the same dramatic fashion, with no contact at all for 23 years. They all deserved more. Heck, so did I.

I have not cheated on anyone since 1999 when I accepted Jesus as my savior, and I never cheated on my ex-wife.

The next step for me will be to ask God to remove my many character defects & shortcomings. To forgive myself will not be easy for me, but it'll be ok with Gods intervention. I don't use the word intervention lightly. That's exactly what it'll have to be. & I'm going to make amends whenever possible (step 9). Gulp.

cycling towards recovery

2011-01-02T22:36:00.009-07:00

Today our church had communion. As we were leaving I saw there was a lot of flat bread left that hadn't been given out to the church body. I was obsessing about the bread. I kept thinking of how it was probably going to be thrown away, wasted. I was dreaming about all the options there were if I was able to have the flat bread (eat it eat it eat it!). I could put in in queso, if it was stale I could dip it in salsa like chips, I could pop em while driving like little fun bite sized pieces of stress relief, ..... There's no doubt in my mind I'm a food addict. Who else would obsess about old used bread that's been broken to pieces.

I'm usually so busy on Sunday mornings getting our kids ready for church that I can't attend OA meetings. Today I went to my 1st Sunday morning meeting. I was amazed & awed by the meeting this morning. I read out of an OA book, page 128. It said something about a person driving & eating & they crashed their car. I used to struggle with my eating when driving to & from work. I couldn't refrain from stopping for food even though I left the house having just ate & I always brought enough food for work. So 5 years ago I started riding my bicycle to & from work. No matter what the weather is I ride my bike. Last week I rode to work in the middle of a snow storm that had dropped a foot of snow. 2 days ago the wind chill was negative 6 degrees. Any uncomfort or problems from the weather is nothing compared to the pain of being in the midst of a binge. I realized driving to & from work was a problem so I found an alternative. Up until now I never told anyone why I comute on a bike. I felt if I told anyone I commute on my bike to avoid binge eating regardless of how extreme or crazy the weather is it would make me sound like some kind of crazy nut job. Now that I'm going to OA meetings I realize I'm not crazy, it was one of the 1st times in my life I was admitting I was powerless over food & commuting to work is a tool I'm using to bring myself & my eating back to a state of sanity.

Thanks for tuning in & thank you for helping my in my recovery from a life of binge eating....

Christmas & kidney failure

2011-01-01T10:08:00.001-07:00

Against all odds I was able to stay abstinent during the Holidays. It wasn't a perfect abstinence, but I followed my definition of abstinence. I thought that was a huge victory for me, but I've realized I have a problem. I realized my definition of abstinence is way to lenient. My definition of abstinence currently is: Abstaining from a pattern of binge eating & completely abstaining from my trigger foods which are cake, chocolate, pies, pastries, & most especially ICE CREAM!!!!

Following my definition of abstinence I still overate on just about every meal during the entire Christmas week. I never binged, but I overate none the less. I also grazed on foods when I wasn't hungry. I realized this is inappropriate & I need a more stringent definition of my food abstinence.

One of the things that can trigger a binge for me is eating to much at one meal. I don't know why, but eating more than I need at even a single meal sends me running to bingeland fast! I overate on every single meal all weekend long! I wanted to binge yet I didn't have nearly the desire to do so that overeating normally triggers in me. I believe it was my prayers & God who was taking away my unavoidable need to binge. There's no other way to explain me walking such a slippery slope & still able to be successful! God was there for me. He was there to make me successful when I was too weak to do so on my own.

This morning I realized another reason for my need of a more stringent food plan & definition of abstinence. When I got off work and before I went to sleep I ate 3 pieces of pizza. I wasn't hungry, but I ate them anyway! This was a HUGE no-no because I was using food to relax, to wind down from work, & for stress relief. I use food to avoid dealing with my problems, stress, & emotions, that's my M.O. Essentially I am using a substance to avoid dealing with my life. Call me crazy, but isn't that what addicts do? Um, ya, I'm an addict! I know for a fact it's a good thing my drug of choice is food because if it was drugs or alcohol I'd be dead of an over dose long ago!

Avoiding the feelings that come with life is not ok with me. I need to learn to deal with my feelings. Avoiding life is not living. Not to mention when I binge I do it to such an extreme I've started to have signs that I'm overloading my kidneys. If I continue my binge eating I'll have kidney failure before I'm 40. No, I'm not exaggerating. I've been having problems with my kidneys when I binge eat. Most compulsive overeaters my age (mid 30's) know long term health problems will pop up if they continue their food habits. Things such as clogged arteries, heart attacks, & diabetes. My eating disorder is threatening to kill me in the short term, & kidney failure is a painful way to die. I have 3 children under the age of 6. I have to learn to deal with life & my eating disorder or my children will grow up without a Dad. My wife would have to start working full time at least, & probably 2 jobs to support them, so they'd essentially lose both parents. One to death, the other would become an absentee parent from working so much & it would all be my fault. This is not ok. I have to beat this, & I need to do it soon. I'll be praying for God to help, but this is, in my mind an emergency situation here, so if any of you out there in blog land are willing to pray for me, I'd be forever grateful.

service for recovery & celebration is my trigger

2010-12-24T06:22:00.005-07:00

Yesterday I completed 9 days of abstinence & completed an 82 minute bicycle ride! It feels so good to be able to say I've hit over a week of abstinence! It's rare for me to have hit a full week of abstinence from compulsive binge eating.

Last night I received a call from someone who is in their 2nd week of going to overeaters anonymous meetings. I now know why service is one of the tools of recovery. We talked almost exclusively about his recovery, but by the time we got off the phone I felt like I was the one who had become closer to abstinence. He was telling me how he feels hope for the 1st time in his life. And he told me about his new plan for recovery. We talked last night for an 1 hour 20 minutes, after the call I felt closer to God & farther along in my recovery than I have ever felt. I felt strong & refreshed. Mostly I just listened to his excitement about his recovery from a life of overeating, & that in turn made me excited about both of our recovery.

I gave him two pieces of advise last night. One was not to confuse success or failure on a diet with recovery. I have failed following my plan for weight loss but was still able to follow my diet plan for recovery. A diet & recovery are different & shouldn't be confused as the same thing.

He told me one of the tools he was going to implement was to bring his lunch to work to avoid temptations at restaurants. The other advise I gave him was that if he was going out to eat he should figure out what & how much he was going to eat for appetizers, main entrée, & dessert before he got there. That way he didn't have to worry about opening up the menu & seeing all those temptations & trigger foods. Early in my recovery I'd arrive at a restaurant with a VAGUE idea of what I should eat, but once I opened my menu I fell apart. Either I'd see something I knew I should never eat & I ordered it anyway which caused me to to relapse into compulsive binge eating. Or I'd order something that was on my list of foods I could safely eat, but ended up eating too much of it, & eating to much at one meal is one of things that can trigger a binge for me. Adjusting my meal plan at a restaurant even a little bit was often times the 1st step to unraveling my entire recovery. So I suggested he know what he was going to order so that he never even has to open his menu. & also how much he was going to eat before he got there. I've found asking for a to-go box to be brought out at the same time as my meal has helped me stay true to this.

I'm excited about receiving more out reach & crisis calls. I felt amazing afterwards. I suspect I'll be making more than a few outreach phone calls myself the next couple days. 2 of my biggest triggers in my life present will be present:
1) celebration: I relapse most frequently because of celebrating! I'm happy & feel good, so food makes me feel even better.
2) My Mom: She is the biggest trigger in my life. I try & avoid contact with her as much as possible. She's an unhealthy person who is an expert at making me feel unhealthy & unhappy also. She seems to find absolute delight in ignoring & crashing through any boundaries I put up to make myself feel safe around her. Anytime she doesn't like the way anything is going she claims to be a victim & makes others look like abusers when it is all to often the other way around. She's a control freak & I feel unsafe around her, which sends me diving head first into the nearest food. I find comfort, security, peace, & unconditional acceptance from food, which are things I've never felt from her. The only way I'll be able to stay abstinent this weekend is by grace! In the past I've tried every single thing on my own that I possibly could to stay on the wagon when I'm around her & nothing has ever worked. I'm not strong enough to handle her on my own. God knows this & He is willing to help. God loves me where I'm at, but "He" loves me too muchto leave me there. He'll help me if I simply throw myself at His feet. I must try to remember that food doesn't make me ok. Eating doesn't make me safe or secure. I'm not dealing with things when I eat, I'm sedating myself & my feelings. There's no problem that cannot become a crisis and no crisis that cannotbecome a disaster -- if I eat to try to escape it. Only God can turn a messinto a message, so I need to keep my focus on Him this weekend.

I will be at my most vulnerable to my disease this Christmas weekend & I ask for your prayers from you out in blog land.

Dear Jesus give me strength!

Why I use

2010-12-23T06:14:00.002-07:00

I sedate my emotions with food. Up until recently I had convinced myself I was eating to help deal with them. I realize now that I was using food to avoid dealing with my stess, emotions, problems, & fears. I was self medicating.

When I 1st started going to Overeaters Anonymous I was told to try & make the connection between the foods I crave to binge on and the feelings I'm having at the time. I had convinced myself I was unable to do that. Figuring out that connection just seemed too scary for me. I had convinced myself that all my attention needed to be on fighting my urge to binge, & that any effort spent trying to figure out what emotions I was feeling when I wanted to binge would have taken away my focus & ability of staying on the wagon. I realize now I was fooling myself. The truth is if I had figured out the food cravings I was having & the feelings that those cravings were connected to I wouldn't be able to avoid those emotions any longer.

Despite my best efforts l figured it out. When I'm wanting to binge on foods like pizza & fried chicken it's because of emotions. If I'm craving cakes, pastries, ice cream, etc I'm doing so because of stress.

As soon as I figured this out I realized I had been using food my whole life so that I wouldn't have to deal with the emotions or the stresses of my life. also realized I had no idea how to deal with life without binge eating. I realized if I stopped binge eating I'd be forced to deal with my life, my emotions, & my stresses. The thought of doing that petrified me!

I started making outreach phone calls to OA members who I had developed trust with & asked them, "if I stopped bingeing how would I learn to deal with my emotions? How long would it take to learn healthy ways to deal with my life?"

The 1st person I called told me they had no idea how I'd learn to feel & how I'd learn to deal. She simply said to pray & take it one day at a time. That wasn't the answer I wanted. I felt I had a problem & that I needed answers for it! Real answers! I called 3 people that night & each person gave me the same aggravating answer. "Put it on Gods shoulders & concentrate on today, don't worry about tomorrow."

I felt like they were no help to me at all! I remember being in a panic. That night I couldn't sleep. I kept thinking, "I'm not going to be able to hide from my emotions without food! I don't know how to do that! How the heck could I be expected to learn to cope with my emotions suddenly after 30+ years of avoiding them? I feared being abstinence from destructive eating because I'd have to stop binging cold turkey! I wasn't going to be able to slowly & gradually stop drowning my emotions with food. There was going to be no weaning the food binging away slowly as I felt I was capable of dealing with more emotions. I was going to have to deal with whatever I was feeling right then & there as soon as I became abstinent fron compulsive eating.

The next couple days I stressed & worried, yet I DID NOT allow myself to binge. Without deadening my emotions with food I was able to figure out a few things about myself. I learned that my fear of coping with my emotions was there because my Step-Dad & my ex-wife had never developed the ability to handle stress. They'd allow stress to build & build until they'd explode & physically abuse. I realized my greatest fear was that if I didn't use food to sedate my feelings, fears, & emotions I'd start to store up everything inside me & I'd end up exploding & hurting my loved ones like my stepdad & ex-wife had. Very quickly I also realized I didn't have to worry about that. I wasn't that type of a person. When there's a problem with my loved ones I've always desired to talk the problems out. I have never been the type to make myself feel better by abusing others. I have never been the type to use my loved ones as whipping boys. That's just not who I am. I'm not an angry & explosive person. I've learned it's ok if I feel my emotions, it won't cause me to become an abusive person. I'm not saying I'm comfortable feeling my emotions yet, but I acknowledge it's ok for me to do so. Feeling my emotions won't cause me to hurt my family or become abusive.

a heart breaking transition

2010-12-21T05:26:00.000-07:00

Although I've been abstinent for awhile, I'm not losing weight. Mostly, I'm ok with that. My concentration right now should be on my recovery, not worldly things like looking like a triathlete should & wanting to be physically attractive. I'm well into my recovery (for me at least). I'm making outreach phone calls, I'm working the 12 steps, I'm calling my sponsor regularly, & most important is I'm praying & turning to Christ. Like I had said in a post last week I've gained a lot of weight & have grown out of most of my clothes. I'm having to go out & buy new XX-large shirts, larger pants, & larger under wear. I think I could handle my habitual weight gains & losses much better if I had bigger & smaller clothes available to grab & wear without having to go buy more. Up until now I'd get so excited when I lost weight & was on a roll I'd throw out my fat clothes, I was so sure I had made a LIFE LONG life style change. When I gained a bunch of weight I'd be so upset I'd end up throwing out all my skinny jeans because I was convinced I was a failure & I'd never be thin or attractive again. I've realized some of the things that is so upsetting to me when I gain weight is wearing my clothes that no longer fit until they are so tight it's intolerable, & having to resign myself to go buy more fat clothes for this new fatter & miserable person I had become. I'm almost certain if I had clothes on hand that I could simply pull out & wear, the transition would be so much less heart breaking & disturbing to me. So from here on out I promise myself I will no longer throw out any clothes that no longer fit. I'll keep all the clothes I get to big or to small for & have them available for me to grab without a ton of hassle & misery. I also am promising I'll be gentle with myself. If I gain or lose a ton of weight I'll do my best to turn it over to my Lord Jesus Christ & I won't dwell on the weight & beat myself up. I'll try my best to remember that my eating disorder isn't a moral issue. I'll try & remember when I binge I'm not a bad person.

day 5 of abstinence

2010-12-20T06:34:00.003-07:00

I'm day 5 into my abstinence! Yesterday I did a 2 hour 23 minute bike ride & followed immediately by a 37 minute run.

These are some of the things I've realized recently with my compulsive eating. Some of these realizations are life changing for me, some of them are merely interesting at best. But they all have to do with my recovery.

Food is the most intimate, private, & intense relationship I've ever had. Even more than sex. It's something I can always find comfort, solace, or company with. Food is always there & it always feels good.

The 12 & 12 of OA works if you work it!

It's ok if I fail at eating like a triathlete as long as I don't eat like a compulsive overeater. Don't get the F'its! The F'its are when I make a small mistake & then say F'it, I can't do it perfectly so I may as well just do whatever I want. Like when I eat an extra serving that wasn't on my food plan, so I say F'it & binge eat all I want on whatever I want the rest of the day.

I have to do something OA related everyday otherwise I get amnesia to the fact that I have this disease. I begin to feel like I can eat like everyone else, next thing I know I've relapsed.My disease is not a moral issue. When I'm binge eating I'm not a bad person.

Have and follow a food plan!!!

Pray for help. God will help.

day 5 of abstinence

2010-12-19T06:39:00.000-07:00

Day 5 of abstinence completed! I'm doing well on the diet & I'm training consistently. Yesterday I completed a 2 hour 30 minute bike ride on my rollers followed by a 35 minute run. I'm hoping to get to the point soon where I feel good enough about myself to no longer be embarrassed about my physique & have the self confidence to ride my bike outdoors.There are a few different kind of food cravings that I experience.

1) real physical hunger. The kind that the body is telling me it needs sustenance.

2) emotional hunger. I'm wanting to eat to sedate emotions. I used to think food was how I dealt with my emotions but I realized this week I'm sedating myself so I don't have to deal with the emotions.

3) & then there's the desire to binge! I always thought these were going to be a life long problem I was going to have to deal with. My sponsor told me a few days ago that they are usually caused by eating my trigger foods & that these desires to eat & eat & eat can be minimized by simply avoiding my trigger foods. She said of course there will still be some of these desires when I see or smell certain trigger foods of mine. But the large part of my cravings will go away once I stop eating those trigger foods of mine. I'm so excited for me to get to that point. On December 15th, my 1st day of abstinence I cut out all sugar, processed foods, & grains. I know this is extreme, but the disease I'm fighting is extreme. Eventually as I learn more skills about my eating disorder I may allow myself to eat some whole grains, but for now they are gone! At this early stage of my recovery I'm better off overly safe than sorry. So I'm only going to eat fruit, veggies, meat, and moderate amounts of nuts until I feel more comfortable with controlling my compulsive eating.

Ironman training

2010-12-18T15:47:00.000-07:00

My favorite video of all time.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C0yoz4jAhrQ&feature=player_detailpage

progressed to step 4

2010-12-18T06:23:00.002-07:00

Tonight my sponsor told me she believes I have fully embraced step 3. Step 3 reads: Made a decision to turn our will & our lives over to the care of God.

I was very excited about having progressed & learned as much as I have. I was excited about starting work on step 4. Then I read what step 4 was & I became a bit scared. It's not going to be easy! Step 4 reads: made a searching & fearless inventory of ourselves. OUCH. Now this step is truly frightening. It's a good thing I have decided to turn my life & my will fully over to God, because there is no way I could do this on my own! My sponsor asked me to write a statement about step 3. I wrote it, & although I mean what I wrote with all my heart I feel like it's not a grand enough statement for such a wonderful & amazing thing as step 3!

My statement is:
I have realized that I have to fully turn to God in all things in my life big & small. When I lean on Him everything is easier & is accomplishable. When I try & do anything on my own I kill myself with stress & effort. Although I may be successful for a period of time, ultimately I'm destined to fail on my own. There's nothing He can't handle. There's nothing that is to big or small for Him to help me with. He loves me, He wants to help me. He wants fellowship with me. He knows what my eating triggers are & He's willing to lesson the load on me if I simply throw myself at His feet. God knows what I need every minute. He knows what I will need long before I do & He'll help if I let Him!

training, storms, stolen blog posts, & OCD

2010-12-17T15:35:00.009-07:00

Abstinence day 2 is just about in the books!!!

So please forgive me for stealing things off other peaples blogs, but yesterday I was getting some much needed inspiration from some fellow food addicts blogs & I read this, "I'm a food addict. I want want want. Food is just a weak substitute for what I want. Sometimes, I don't even know what I want. Sometimes, I don't want what i want because it is too scary or so intangible." I read this off the blog PJ's and pounds. I was amazed. I reread this probably 10 times. It moved me. I knew this was exactly what I do.

Friday night we got a pretty big snow storm. But because I had decided to ride my bike earlier in the week, & I'm OCD, I rode my bike to work through feet of snow, snow drifts, & the wind blowing through my bald head. Very cold bald head. Above are a couple pictures of my ride!

Friday I ran 5.5 miles in 65 minutes. My training & eating have been great for 3 days now & I'm pumped up baby!!!! I owe it all to God. He's answering my prayers. I'm so unworthy, & he's so gracious.

abstanence day 2/candle light meeting

2010-12-16T06:26:00.005-07:00

Yesterday I completed a 90 minute 25.12 mile bike ride for my training.

Every year here at my OA home they have a candle light OA meeting. This year we had the topic of the promises if we follow the 12 & 12 of OA. 12 individuals each was able to pick a promise & give a 3-5 minute share. Below are the promises. I'll post my share below the promises.

1. We know a new freedom and happiness.

2. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.

3. We will comprehend the word "serenity".

4. We will know peace.

5. We will see how our experiences would benefit others.

6. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.

7. We will lose interest in selfish things.

8. Self-seeking will slip away.

9. Our whole attitude and outlook on life will change.

10. Fear of people and economic insecurity will leave us.

11. We will intuitively know how to handle situations that used to baffle us.

12. We will realize that God is doing for us what we couldn’t do for ourselves.

My promise was #2 We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.

The hardest lesson for me to learn is to be gentle with myself. Every binge I'd beat myself up, I'd punish myself, hate myself. My self loathing & stress over my bingeing caused me to binge even more. Even when I was doing well with my eating I'd be obsessing about my past or future binges.

It wasn't until many months into my program that I realized God put my eating disorder into my life for a reason. It's there to keep my focus on God. When I stop turning to God I end up falling into a binge. If God put this into my life why would I regret it? Regretting & fretting the past causes me to repeat it. Yet ignoring the past will also cause me to repeat it. The only way I can recover is by learning from my failures. Each time I fell off the wagon I try & learn what the causes were.

I should strive for progress not perfection! I've found when I strive for perfection it causes me to procrastinate. Procrastination causes paralysis Looking back I ask myself if I would have done differently if I HAD The chance. "Darn right I would!" But the gift of this promise is the realization that it has been the totality of life experience that has brought me to this stage of my spiritual journey. And I have come to love the man I ha e become & still becoming, having learned to love the lessons (at least eventually) that come with my struggles to live into the fullness of who God made me to be. It would be hard to imagine an addict coming into recovery who does not regret the harm they have caused themselves & others. But these promises are listed not at the beginning of the book, but after the part describing the 9th step, which is "made direct amends to such people that we have harmed wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. If I'm following the 12 step program of recovery I will have made a sincere attempt to do all I can to right any wrongs & move on to forgiveness. If I have committed myself to practicing this spiritual discipline on an ongoing basis, in the context of a relationship with God, I can't see that regret is of much use. At some point I, a recovering addict has to let go of beating up on myself & focus on gratitude for the opportunity to really transform my life for the better.

day 1 of abstinence in the books

2010-12-16T06:23:00.001-07:00

I just finished day 1 of abstinence! All I'm focusing on is the next hour & following my eating plan। Then concentrating on the hour after that. I'm praying & turning it over to my Lord. For me my eating disorder is severe, but it's easy for Him to shoulder it, & He's happy to do it for me- & I'm glad to give it to Him!Today's workout was a 60 minute bike ride followed by a 30 minute run. During my workout my sweat smelled awful! It was truly revolting. My sweat smelling bad was a result of my 4 day binge eating. I was eating massive amounts of food that's packed full of salt, sugar, chemicals, preservatives, transfats, hydrogenated oils, etc. If my sweat smelled bad when it came out of my body, I hate to think what the crap I ate was doing to my insides. To my blood vanes, my heart & other organs. It revolting. I want to stop my compulsive overeating. I realize I am powerless over food & that my life has become unmanageable. I realize only God can restore me to sanity & I have made my mind up to turn my will & my entire life over to God.

Addictions are progressive by nature

2010-12-15T06:29:00.001-07:00

I haven't posted on my blog in a long time. I didn't stop posting because I'm cured of my binge eating. Quite the opposite really.

In July I was approaching three months abstinence from destructive eating when BAM! I fell off the wagon. I stopped posting from humiliation & embarrassment. Like most addicts, when I get overwhelmed by my disease I hide, become a hermit & cut off as much contact with the world as I can. I didn't want people to see me for what I was becoming yet again.

There's never been any doubt in my mind I'm a compulsive overeater. No one could binge eat like I do & have any doubt. Within 6 weeks from the day I fell off the wagon in late July I had gained 40 pounds. That averages to 6 pounds a week. Wow, that's even hard for me to believe. But the scale doesn't lie. As a matter of a fact the scale is brutally honest. I hate my scale.

This year I trained for triathlons like I had never trained before! I was on top of my diet more than I ever have been able to do before. All year I was impressing everyone who knew me. Everyone who had always known me as a big IE fat triathlete of average speed was amazed with my transformation. I was getting faster & thinner every week & each race the results were even more amazing. From February of 2010 to July 2010 I placed top 10 overall at triathlons multiple times & top 5 overall in 3!

In September I was scheduled for my last A race of the year. By then I had gained a ton of weight, but I was still fast. I knew even though I was weighing in the mid 220's I would tear that course up! The night before the race I put on my racing uniform & saw myself in the mirror. Not a pretty sight. I had more than an ample belly & a massive butt! They both jiggled like a bowl full of Jell-O just from walking. What would it look like when I ran? I knew what it would look like, & I wasn't willing to humiliate myself like that regardless of how many hours I had trained for that race. That night I unpacked my race bags, took my bike off my roof rack, & sedated my feelings with massive amounts of food. I wanted to race so bad. I deserved to race. But how could I show up to a race that all my friends were at with me looking like that? Having those same people there who had been amazed by my weight loss, then to see me put on a years worth of weight loss on in a little over a month was more than I could tolerate.I had been triathlon training daily since 2004. It was helping me fight my obesity & minimize my overeating behaviors. This was the 1st time in 6 years I had stopped training. Why did I stop? Humiliation. I was embarrassed my neighbors, friends, family, or co-workers would see me jiggling & shaking as I ran. Remember the dance Chunk was forced to do on 1980's hit movie The Goonies? Ya that would be me, only worse. I wasn't willing to bike either because my butt was so big no one could see my bike seat, it looked like my ass swallowed it.

Since then my weight gain has slowed down slightly, but I'm still gaining. I'm about 235 now. My size regular work pants don't fit anymore & I can barely move in my size X-large. Tomorrow I am going to a specialty store to buy a pair of XX-large pants. I have to get them from a specialty store because there aren't many in law enforcement officers that get as fat as I am right now.

I'm hoping this is my rock bottom. I'm hoping everything will get better from here. I tried to motivate myself by buying a slot to an out of state 70.3 that is scheduled for April 2011 & an out of state Ironman scheduled for November 2011. I chose races that are at least a 12 hour drive from my home because one of my 2 greatest fears is being seen in my current state of obesity by anyone I know or love. I'm far enough into my disease right now that I'll only leave the house for work, to pick up my daughter from school, & for church. I won't even go to the grocery store for fear of being seen in my new Jabba the Hutt physique. -BTW my biggest fear is that I continue to progress in my disease to the point where I'm living a life of total isolation, wearing a moomoo, & have a dozen cat's as my only friends who's only mistake was getting caught in my massive gravitational pull- anyway, back to my triathlon training for my upcoming races. I'm in my 5th week of working out. Do to my embarrassment I will only ride my bike on my indoor trainer, & I'll only run on an isolated dirt trail not far from my house- but dang it I'm training again!

So this is my story thus far. I'm hoping this is the part of my story that I start my recovery from my compulsive overeating, where I start a long & continuous career in triathlon, & that my Lord Jesus Christ hears my pleas for help & saves me from sinking any further into my addiction.I'll be posting regularly from here on out. It'll help me stay accountable & dedicated. Perhaps me posting my story of attempting recovery will help someone else with the same problem. Or perhaps it'll help others who don't have an eating problem understand. I thank you for tuning in, without knowing it you are instrumental in my recovery.

taking a leap!

2010-06-03T09:42:00.000-06:00

Today's my 1st day back from a 4 day binder. I hadn't gone to a meeting in over a month-gee, wonder why I fell off the wagon yet again.

I went to a meeting today and took the leap I'd been petrified of. I got a sponsor. We'll be talking today once I wake up from my days sleep (I work nights).

Things are looking up! From Jan to March was my longest period of time without binge eating. I almost made it 3 months. Perhaps I'll make that mark now that I'll have someone holding me accountable.

unexpected response

2010-04-16T06:20:00.001-06:00

I attended my 1st OA meeting in a month. I was going to sit quietly through the meeting learning, supporting the other more successful people, looking for a sponsor, but I was not planning on speaking. I felt to embarrassed to share with the group that I fell off the wagon again. At the last minute & on impulse I decided to let everyone know what a failure I had been. "I stopped working the 12 & 12, I fired my sponsor & never got a new one, I've never made an outreach phone call, & I fell off the wagon 2 times in the last 3 weeks. I shared how I felt I'd failed & how horrid I felt about what I'd done, what I hadn't done, & me succumbing to my addiction. I then started to say something, I don't remember what I was going to say, I just remember starting my statement, "I'm having to start all over again. I'm 2 days abstinent..." I was interrupted at that point by everyone having started clapping. I was stunned, & came to realize that they were elated that I was back and hadn't given up on myself or given in to my addiction. I realized by their reaction I shouldn't be ashamed to admit my failure. They accepted me fully no matter if I was in the middle of a massive month long binge & purge, having been abstinent for years, or back to day 2 of my abstinence. They were celebrating my return rather than being disapointed in my failure. No one was disappointed in me or what I'd done.It's great to feel acceptance for once from an addiction most people just look at as having a lack of control or having no will power. Most people look at us with eating disorders as weak willed, looking for attention, or pathetic. These people knew I wasn't weak. I don't have a self control problem. They realize I'm a person with an addiction who is trying to recover. They understand me. They support me. With that kind of support I no longer feel alone or embarrassed. So I'm back, about to finish my second day of abstinence, & I feel like I'm on top of the world! The only failure from me could of come from giving up.

Back again

2010-04-13T21:21:00.000-06:00

On April 7th I was about to hit the 3 month mark of asbstanance. I was about to erase this blog. I felt there was no reason to blog about something I'm cured of. Just days before I hit the 3 month mark I had a day of uncontrollable binge eating. Thankfully I was back on the wagon again in less than 12 hrs. I've never recovered from a binge that quickly before. That's good news because it shows progress. OA teaches that we should strive for progress, not perfection. I showed progress because I recovered in less than 12 hrs & because I went almost 3 months without uncontrollable & destructive eating.

Fast foreword my story to today. I'm back on the wagon after a 2 day binder. Not good. Not an easy thing for me to swallow. It was particularly difficult for me because I had convinced myself that I had found a cure. That I had urges that I'd be able to ignore for the rest of my life. I'm not cured, I'm an addict. I'm addicted to food. & I'm unable to control it. Period.

I have found I use food for a lot of reasons. I use food to celebrate. I use it to deal with anger, frustration, & sadness. I especially use it when I feel like I have no control in something in my life.

I also use food to hide behind during social situations. I have social anxieties caused by PTSD. I have found I can be around people & enjoy the social situation but not have to participate in the conversations as long as my mouth was full. When I wasn't chewing I was expected to add to conversation. It's easier for me to only add to a conversation when I want to, rather than when I'm expected to. And food offers that island of safety for me.

I had progressed through the 1st 3 of the 12 steps of recovery. The 4th step is dang hard. I have to make a list of all the people I had hurt & make amends to them. I have to make a list of all the people I have negative feeling towards & what my part in that is. I also have to make a list of all my short comings & of my strengths. Sounds easy at first. Trust me it's not. I've always been a perfectionist. If I can't do something right, I just won't do it at all. And that is exactly the approach I took on the 4th step. I found it hard & wasn't sure if I could finish the step to perfection, so I stopped progressing through the steps completely.

Since I felt progressing through the 12 steps was an integral part of OA & I couldn't finish the 4th step, I stopped everything. I didn't go to meetings anymore, I stopped making out reach phone calls when I felt the desire to eat, & I got rid of my sponsor.

So tomorrow I start going back to meetings, working the 12 steps, go about finding another sponsor, & making out reach phone calls-ok, time for me to fess up, I never once made an out reach phone call. I was to proud & cowardly to ask for help. But next time I have a need to binge I'm going to try to make my 1st out reach.

Stay tuned here to see how my recovery goes. This time I know I'm an addict. I can't be cured. My addiction is something I need to learn skills to live with. My addiction is something I need to deal with on a daily basis. Everyday. I can't do this on my own. I have to work the steps, find a sponsor, follow a meal plan, & turn it over to God because this addiction is bigger than I a capable of dealing with..

month 1 of abstinance

2010-02-15T21:14:00.000-07:00

I'm on day 38 of abstaining from destructive eating! Things are going great.

the start of success

2010-01-10T12:15:00.001-07:00

Things have been great since I started OA on the 6th. Since then not only have I abstained from destructive eating, but my whole focus & goals have changed. My focus before had been purely worldly. I wanted to be thin, look good, & be triathlon fast. Now I realize I need to focus on abstaining from destructive eating behaviors. Before that was an impossible goal. Now I know I can accomplish abstinence by turning to God for strength, going to OA meeting, service (helping others with food issues), following a food plan daily, & using a sponsor. on the 7th I earned a 24 hour coin. I'm looking foreword to earning my 1 week coin on the Wed!

My training is going great! I have been focusing on getting my fitness base back. Once I've rebuilt a good base, I'll start to pick up the speed work again.

my 2nd OA meeting

2010-01-06T10:01:00.000-07:00

Well, after another period of binging I realized I can't control my eating on my own. I went to my 2nd overeaters anonymous meeting this morning. My first one was months ago. I got my desire coin. I have realized I can't do it with my own self power. I need OA, the support of others like me, and God. This is exciting & scary all at the same time.

There were people in the meeting who had been abstinence of binging for decades. For the first time I think there's hope! I'll keep you tuned in.

slow & steady

2009-11-28T12:27:00.000-07:00

I was reading a blog written by a fellow Clydesdale. He swore by a computer program called dietpower.com. I decided to try it & I'm amazed by the results I'm getting. The program keeps track of my metabolic rate, calories in, calories earned by exercise- which any calories I burn I can eat, fluid intake and fluid amount needed, amount & percentage of calories fat carb & protein, & all the macro nutrients. I've been consistently losing 2 pounds a week since I got on Dietpower.

One of the ways I'm trying to combat my binge eating while dieting this time is having 1 or 2 cheat days so I can still get the physical cravings & emotional comfort from my food that I usually need. I'll let you know if my new plan & program works. I'm very excited. I feel like this is the first time in a very long time that there is hope for me to be at a normal weight. & all of you triathletes and duathletes out there know how important it is in endurance athletics to keep our weight down.

Tomorrow I start my taper for the Polar Bear triathlon. I'm definitely overweight for this race, but I've been consistent & dedicated in my training. We'll see if all that training can help negate some of my weight gain.

the over eating has subsided

2009-11-18T16:05:00.000-07:00

Great news, after almost 2 months of manic over eating it's finally mellowed. I'm not sure what caused the binge eating. Usually it takes some kind of stress in my life. Nothing I know of was really stressing my out.

Regardless, the overeating has subsided. Couldn't come at a better time. I have my next race in a few weeks. It's a great race in New Mexico called the Polar Bear triathlon. For an off season, reverse triathlon a lot of really tough competition shows to this race. Should be fun!

My training has been doing great!!! I've been consistent with my running & cycling, I'm making great speed gains in spite of the weight gain. My swimming is getting gradually better. I need to be more consistent getting to the pool though.

All in all I'm very happy & everything seems to mellowing out & coming together.

will there be an end to this anytime soon?

2009-11-03T23:19:00.001-07:00

Well, the last 3 weeks has been disastrous. I've binge ate all but 3 days in the last 3 weeks. I've put on another 6 pounds. I'm watching the 35 pounds I lost mid triathlon season jump back on me with a vengeance. Usually there has to be some kind of major stress in my life to cause overeating like this. There's no stress like that in my life right now-other than my overeating & weight gain. My family is happy & we are all content. My wife is worried about me downing food like this, but we are all happy.

My triathlon training is doing great (other than the obvious negatives of my weight gain), I'm not missing any bikes or runs & my swimming is maintaining at average.

The 4 days I didn't overeat in the last 3 weeks was after my first Over eater Anonymous meeting. I got a lot of motivation & encouragement from that meeting. I've only talked to a couple of people about my compulsive eating before, so being around others who have the same issues with food as I do made me feel a bit more normal. Someone spoke at the meeting who hadn't binged for 19 years. That was encouraging. I never really believed I could eat like a normal person before. I'm not right now, not unless you consider one person eating enough calories to make 3 people gain weight. But hearing them say "with the right tools & support it is possible" felt GREAT to hear.

I realize this overeating and weight gain has essentially driven away all my hopes of going sub 5.5 hours in a half Iron in 2010, which was my 2010 goal. I was so very close. I finished one this year in 5hrs 30 minutes. Now that I'm packing the weight on again I'm changing my goal for 2010 to being a sprint distance triathlete. The extra weight doesn't effect a sprint distance athlete nearly as much. The longer the race, the more extra fat slows an athlete.

So, I guess I'm going to start going to more OA (over eaters anonymous) meetings. Perhaps with the support & knowledge they are able to give me I can start trying to control my eating rather than my eating controlling me.

Thank for tuning in. Feel free to comment or leave questions if you have any.

in the beginning

2009-11-03T23:15:00.001-07:00

I orriginnaly added this post on Oct 13 but have had some technical difficulties:)

I've created this blog to write about my love for triathlon while dealing with a- you guessed it, an eating disorder. There's a lot of different types of eating disorders out there. My particular problem is binge eating.

Binge eating in it's self is a painful issue to deal with, but then you add into the equation my love for endurance athletics, then it's a particularly heart breaking issue to deal with. In triathlon, just like all endurance athletics, weight is important. The lighter a person is, the faster & farther they can swim, bike, & run.

I've been wanting to start this blog for a long time but have failed to build up the courage. I'm not going to post a lot today. Mostly I just wanted to get started. I knew once I took this first step I'd blog consistently & honestly. Triathlon & those who compete in it is a small & close knit family. I'm sure many people will read this & figure out exactly who I am. That's fine. I don't hide from my issues. I'm usually pretty honest & open with my binge eating. Those who figure out who I am are more than welcome to contact me to talk about my food issues. The only thing I ask is that you not tell others who the author of this blog is.

In this blog I'm going to be completely honest & straight foreword about my over eating. It's not going to be pretty. Many will be repulsed. Many will look at my food issues & think I'm weak. That's ok, each & every person is welcome to their opinions. I will still write in this blog openly- anonymously, but openly about binge eating, it's affects on me, others, & how it affects me in the sport I love so very much.

What brought on this courage to start a blog in which I write freely about my deepest darkest demon? Late 2008 I weighed 188 pounds & was kicking butt & taking names at every triathlon I competed in. Earlier this year I showed up & competed in a triathlon weighing in at 236 ponds. I'm only 5'11". At the awards ceremony of this triathlon another triathlete started teasing me about my weight gain in front of every one. Sounds like I'm crying right? Nope, actually he pissed me off & motivated me. I started dieting.....again. I hit 200....again, then pow! I'm now in the middle of another binge. This one has lasted a little over 3 weeks. I'm now back up 215 pounds. I'm hoping my binge eating will stop soon. Sometimes my binges last a few days, they have lasted as long as half a year. In a one year period I've gone from 292 pounds to 204 pounds, back up to 269, then back down to 227. It's a heck of an emotional ride for me & everyone who knows me.

So tune in here to see how my journey goes. Feel free to post comments &/or question if you'd like.